


A Song For You

by FallenNinja, mida_malek



Series: Sounds of our lives [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Fame, Humor, Hurt, M/M, One Night Stands, Other, Regret, destiel au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-14
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-08 17:23:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 48,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1135391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenNinja/pseuds/FallenNinja, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mida_malek/pseuds/mida_malek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is one of the most successful male Singer/song-writers in America and when he has problems with his heart condition during a concert, Pamela, his agent is determined to get him the best heart surgeon in the state. but Dean makes it clear that he wont have the guy near him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FallenNinja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenNinja/gifts).



> Mida_Malek; Ok first of all, thanks to Michael Buble because I got the idea for this fanfic when i was watching his concert and he sang "A song for you".  
> I just HAD to get this out of my system so ...yeah i hope you enjoy the ride.:)  
> Then I have to thank my amazing friend, the co-writer and my beta Yuki, AKA FallenNinja on here!:) I will gift this to you my dear cause you pushed me that little to start this!:) Thank you!
> 
> FallenNinja; Hello dear readers! I'd like to thank you in advance for the support you may or may not give us. Mida is great and she has potential so please enjoy the story and comment your review. We want to improve as much as we can so please don't hold back either! 
> 
> Disclaimer | My co-writter Mida_Malek owns this story plot and that's it. So please don't sue. ;w;

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean took a deep breath and shook his arms. He touched the jasper green shirt he wore for this event. He was happy that Pam had allowed him to choose his own outfit for this tour. He looked at the ripped jeans and the familiarity of his clothes made him a bit more relaxed. He took another deep breath and nearly jumped as someone touched his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida_Malek; Ok first of all, thanks to Michael Buble because I got the idea for this fanfic when i was watching his concert and he sang "A song for you".  
> I just HAD to get this out of my system so ...yeah i hope you enjoy the ride.:)  
> Then I have to thank my amazing friend, the co-writer and my beta Yuki, AKA FallenNinja on here!:) I will gift this to you my dear cause you pushed me that little to start this!:) Thank you!
> 
> FallenNinja; Hello dear readers! I'd like to thank you in advance for the support you may or may not give us. Mida is great and she has potential so please enjoy the story and comment your review. We want to improve as much as we can so please don't hold back either!
> 
> Disclaimer | My co-writter Mida_Malek owns this story plot and that's it. So please don't sue. ;w;

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 1 | Home**

 

**September 16th, 2005 - Backstage.**

 

Dean took a deep breath and shook his arms. He touched the jasper green shirt he wore for this event. He was happy that Pam had allowed him to choose his own outfit for this tour. He looked at the ripped jeans and the familiarity of his clothes made him a bit more relaxed. He took another deep breath and nearly jumped as someone touched his back.

 He looked over his shoulder and smiled.

 “Sammy! You made it.”

His brother was towering in front of him now. Both Dean’s shoulders and nerves began to relax in the presences of his younger brother. Sam, having not seen Dean in a long while, hugged him tight.

“You know I’d come, I've never missed a single one of your shows Dean. Never have, never will. And it’s Sam, not Sammy!”

Dean grinned, very much missing Sam’s bitch-face and yelling while he was away, as he tried to speak over the noise of the large crowd. The lights flickered over them for a few moments. That was Dean’s cue. He gave Sam’s shoulders a quick squeeze and took one last deep breath.

“You’re gonna be fine Dean, you always are.”

Dean smiled at Sam’s shouted words and nodded. Finally, he was walking across the stage, with the lights blinding him for a brief second before he adjusted to them and saw the screaming crowd ahead of him.

He would never in his life miss the flashing lights.

Seriously, why didn’t people understand? It was just annoying as fuck.

He waved at the roaring crowd, which seemed to have gotten louder by the time he reached his spot onstage.

Unlike the lights, he would never get tired of the crowd’s voice pumping through him, like the blood in his veins. He felt valued, cherished, important, and most meaningfully, loved when he was with the crowd. And he’d be damned if he didn’t relish in the feeling while he could.

He gave them his famous boyish grin and was very pleased when the crowd went crazy. He knew unlike a lot of male performers, there were as many male fans here as there are female.

He tried to push away the thought of a certain guy who was currently missing from that crowd. The one person he really longed to see.

He grabbed the microphone at the center of the huge stage.

This was his favorite part of the tour, for this was his very hometown. People here claimed him as theirs and well, he always felt the most wanted here. It didn't really matter to anyone, not even to himself, that he had moved all over America growing up. This was where his mother had sung him to sleep for four golden years, where Sammy had been born. It held most of his good memories too. This was where he had also met him. Somehow here, he couldn't run from him anymore. He held the microphone close and waited for the noise to fall.

“Good evening Lawrence, how you feeling?!”

He shouted the words knowing it would start another wave of that pleasurable noise. His grin grew wide and his apple green eyes twinkled in the limelight.

There was an uproar of screaming girls, possibly trying to get noticed by him.

“I love you Dean!” Some girls shouted, while other girls yelled out, “Please marry me!” and the usual.

He looked over to one girl who screamed ‘I love you’ from the very front row. Blond hair and a cute face. He liked her already. He smiled and winked at her.

“I love you too baby.”

He knew a couple of the people had probably fainted from that and considered that a job well done.

He loved his crowd and they loved him back. Everyone knew a big part of his fame was because of how carefree he acted. People loved that he was so relaxed and friendly with his fans. Well that, and his voice. No one, not even that stupid ass Crowley from that unfair talent show could deny he had a very great voice. That and he knew how to sing. It was enough, along with his attitude and beauty, to make him one of the most successful entertainers in America.

He was one very awesome dude.

“Hope you guys are having fun tonight. I know the lines and all that crap suck, and believe me I told them to serve good snacks to you, so please stop screwing me through fan mails because of it.”  
He waited for his words to have their effect.

“So…I know you’re not really interested in me talking. I guess we’ll just have to get this party started. So now everyone, please give my crew here the welcome they deserve.”

He shouted the last words, pointing his hands to his back where he knew his band mates were getting on the stage, settling by their instruments. They were always like his family and they deserved the limelight as much as he did.

“Just as always, we have Jo and Ash Harvelle behind their role on the base, Charlie Bradbury with her keyboard, Kevin Tran and his Cello, Lisa Braeden and Meg Masters with the Acoustics, Rufus Turner and his percussion, and the last but not the least, Benny and his beloved Harmonica.”

He listened to the crowd going wild as he called forth each name.

He knew most musicians introduced their band mates at the end of each concert but he had made it clear from the very beginning, they were just as important as he was and there was no point in waiting till the end of the concert. Plus his fans knew his band just as well as they knew him.

After his first few interviews, to Pam’s utter annoyance, Dean had told the reporters that he was surrounded by his family, people he’d known for years and would never live without. Even Pam was an old friend of Bobby and she had been more than happy to manage his hot ass. He was just quoting there, for the record.

“So… as always, I’m gonna start with a personal favorite song of mine. You all know this song means so much to me and well… I guess you have all figured it out that it’s about someone who used to be very close to me… Guess we all make mistakes, right? And hurting that someone was most probably my biggest mistake.”

He looked back at Jo, who gave him a knowing stare and nodded. The music started slow and he felt his heart going fast as the first notes settled in. It was probably his saddest song to date and like many of his songs, it was about him. 

 _“You won’t leave me, but you won’t stay,_  
 _You burn in my heart, a little every day._  
 _You’re always here, sticking in my mind,_  
 _Though you’re far away, I know I can’t hide._  
 _I still miss you after all this time,_  
 _I still want you, I lost my prime._  
 _I lost my chance, I should have taken your hand,_  
 _No one ever will give me what we had._  

_And now I’m here, lying where you stood,_   
_I’m all alone, a guitar made of wood._   
_It’s all I have, all I ever will._   
_I miss you still, I wish you were here._   
_I’m sorry for hurting the both of us,_   
_You’re sorry you ever fought for us._   
_It’s a game of shame, a game of pride and hurt,_   
_I never stopped playing my own deck of hearts…”_

And so went on, his sad heartbreaking song.

Dean always finished it on a low note, hoping it would show how low he felt himself. Well, as he had always said, better to do the hardest part of something in the beginning than to dread it till the end.  
Dean could never even bring himself to think of his name. He had spent too much time trying to forget him, he couldn’t just throw that away, right? He let the crowd take his mind off his ex-lover and smiled widely, though most might think it was fake.

“This next song is all about my best friend and dearest brother in this world, but you already knew that!”

He grinned and took a quick glance at Sam, who was still backstage, and smiled.

This song was about family and Sam was all he had left from his.

Sam was the very reason he was who he was now and Dean could only thank him through this song. Sam was always grateful for all the things Dean had done for him too and it worked out great like that. Dean was always in a hyper mood after finishing this song and his fans just loved seeing him jump up and down on the stage, working his few dance moves onto the stage.

By the ending of the night, he always left the audience wanting more. Obviously he never did but it was always nice to feel wanted in the end.

“Good job Dean. Next time though, don’t say anything too personal out there.”

Sam patted his back before Dean took him in a crashing hug once they were backstage in the dressing room.

“Shut up and give your big brother a large glass of whiskey Sam. He just took care of five thousand people.” Dean spoke cockily, though there was an unusual lack of playfulness in it.

“Good to see you too Dean.” Sam made his signature bitch-face before grabbing a bottle from the mini fridge they kept in there for these occasions. “Seriously dude, you should stop talking about your fans like that.”

“Shut up Sammy, they like it when I talk dirty.”

“I don’t think so…”

Dean gave Sam his famous boyish smirk and they both chuckled quietly. He knew Sam understood his bad boy cover and why he wore it around strangers but that doesn’t mean Sam will put up with it.

Their laughter quieted down until the sound of whiskey being poured into their glasses was the only thing left to be heard. As Sam gave Dean his glass, he cleared his throat and looked away into the distance.

“He didn’t come this time either, did he?”

Dean shrugged and took the glass of whiskey that Sam handed him, gulping it down like it was nothing.

As soon as the familiar burn formed in his throat, he felt his shoulders relax completely. God he loved to drink after stressful performances.

After they finished their glass, though in Dean’s case around his third or fourth glass, he walked to the side of the room and took his bag while Sam did the same and followed him out. He let Sam drag him away from all the noise and attention he was possibly getting, though the whiskey was making it a bit hard to understand, as he walked outside of the dressing room. Everyone knew better than to try and stop them, especially when Dean has had his share of drinks.

He didn't even bother trying to speak to Sam as Sam drove them both away from the crowded place. Not soon after they got in the car, Sam finally parked in a driveway and they both got out. Sam took both their bags to the house while Dean, being a bit more sober now, checked the mail. He looked up towards the two floored, light grey house.

It was originally their childhood home until a horrible fire burned it down. The town never had enough the money to rebuild the house so the first thing Dean did after gaining his first paycheck was purchasing the land for the town to rebuild it.

That is of course, after adding a huge chuck of the money into Sammy’s college funds. Sam always came first after all.

He smiled sadly and stepped into the house.

He was finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song "Game of hurt" is an original by myself (Mida). I will give credit to the original singer or band if i use any song that's not mine. hope you like the beginning. dont forget to let me know what you think!:)


	2. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when you drink too much and your last name is Winchester? Dean knows by experience nothing good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida | Ok, so for those of you who are following the story, we will be publishing new chapters every Monday. :)
> 
> Yuki | Yes! We shall now be updating every monday until further notice. c:
> 
> Both | We hope you enjoy this chapter!

**The Next Morning – 8am – September 17th, 2005**

As soon as Dean opened his eyes, he immediately regretted it. The familiar hangover hit him like a train wreck and it didn’t help that the light coming from the slightly open window hit him directly in his squinted eyes. He groaned and cursed himself for drinking too much, again.

It took him a moment to realize who had woken him up.

“Sammmmmmy!” Dean whined, pulling the pillow over his head.

“Come on Dean, wake up. You have to eat something before Lisa gets here.”

He was really going to kill Sam for opening the curtains up completely now and he most definitely hated him for waking him up after letting him drink himself to sleep once again.

No, scratch that. He hated himself for drinking again. 

He hated how he can start just as fast as he ended. It killed him that he was doing this to himself again. Maybe he should get help? He truly didn’t want to become a drunk idiot that ends up treating his crew and fans badly. He certainly didn’t want to lose either of them either.

No, he was stronger than that. He was Dean fucking Winchester, his dad and good friend Bobby had taught him better.  
He moaned into the pillow when he realized the headache wasn’t planning on going away and that he needed oxygen.

“Don’t let me drink so much ever again Sammy.”

He heard himself grunt as he tried to sit up in bed, still grumpy from being woken up. Sam made a noise that seemed like a frustrated yet hysterical laugh.

“As if you ever listen to me once you’ve gotten the bottle.”

“Shut up and close the damn curtain already, it’s hurting my aching head.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Dean, hurry up already. You’ve got to take a shower and eat. She’s gonna be here any minute now and you know how she hates to see you like this. All hung over...”

“She can go fuck herself Sam.”

“Well, I’d personally rather have her doing that than to what she’s fucking now.”

“Well fuck you too.”

Dean turned his head towards Sam, looking at him with his drowsy eyes.

“I am very much do-able, thank you very much. She’s lucky to have me as a sexual partner.”

“Dean! Too much information!” Sam looked away, putting his hands over his ears and quickly walked out of the room.

Dean grinned, very pleased with himself, and finally managed to get off his comfortable bed. He picked up his pants and headed to the door that led to his private bathroom.

“If she comes before I get out of the shower, take her to the recording room Sammy!” He yelled out, knowing Sam can hear him wherever he was.

Sam was probably rolling his eyes at him.

Dean stripped the last remains of his clothing. He noticed his clothes weren’t what he had on the night before, probably Sam’s doing. It explains why he was in bed when he woke up rather than on the floor somewhere. He looked into his laundry basket that was beside the door, noticing his old clothes where there.

Dean threw his clothes into the basket and stepped into the shower. He stood still under the warm water as it washed most of his tension away. He soaped up his hands and washed his body before shampooing and conditioning his dirty blonde hair. Afterwards, he stepped out of the shower and shaved before brushing his teeth and wrapping himself in a fresh fluffy towel.

He tried to ignore the dark bags under his eyes and how he used to hate it when he had a hangover.

“Sammy?” Dean called out from his room, fishing for new clothes in his closet and drawers.

“It’s Sam, you jerk.”

There was a pause and a shuffle downstairs.

“What?”

“Is she here yet?”

“Not yet. Come down here and get something to eat. I made some fried eggs and bacon.”

Dean grinned happily once more. Sam knew exactly how to cheer him up. He got dressed in record time and was in the kitchen before Sam got to set up the table.

He took an aspirin and some water before looking at the delicious food in front of him.

“Morning.” Sam said and Dean ignored him, more in favor of pushing as much bacon into his mouth as possible.

“Dean, take it easy. Your heart’s gonna give out someday with the amount of crap you eat every day.” Sam gave him a stern look before taking the plate full of extra bacon away from him

Dean glared at him. “Shut up Sam. You made me delicious breakfast, let me relish in the joy.” He tried to grab the plate of bacon from Sam but it was out of his reach.

Sam just shook his head sadly and poured Dean a glass of fresh orange juice.

“You gonna join me?” Dean looked at Sam’s empty side of the table, besides a glass of juice and the plate he had yet to return to Dean’s beloved side.

“I had breakfast after I came back from my run earlier.”

Dean rolled his eyes, forgetting that this was Sam he was talking to. There was a silence afterwards as Dean continued to eat.

Sam took a sip from his glass and finally decided to bring an end to the silence.

“Dean, you have to stop drinking.”

Dean’s face turned grim as he slowly put his fork down, his appetite completely vanished along with his train of thought.

Sam tried again. “Dean, I’m serious man. The way everyone kept their distance from you last night after you got completely drunk… Like they knew exactly what would happen once you were pissed… It’s frightening and you swore to never go down this road.”

Dean’s eyes were covered by his hair as his head leaned down, just so Sam couldn’t look him in the eyes and prove him correct.

“Sam, I’ve tried.” Dean choked out. “You know nothing about how much I’ve tried to stop. You can’t just come to my performances and spend a week with me here once a year and expect to know everything about me. You have no idea how it is.”

“Dean, I’m your brother. Remember?” Sam looked upset, as though Dean had insulted him, which he might as well had done. “I DO know you and you know that. Why won’t you let me help you though? Why don’t you let anyone else help you? It’ll only be a matter of time before this gets out and your fans see …”

Dean looked up, silent tears forming in his eyes.

“Until fans see me as what? Worthless? A drunk, empty man-whore? Sam, I knew when I started this whole gig, it wasn’t going to last long. I’m nothing, just a pretty image with a good sound attached to it. When no one in my life cared enough to stay around, why would a bunch of strangers do so? I am nothing and I know that already, okay! Dad made sure I knew it...”

Dean froze.

Fuck, did he really just say that out loud. He stood up abruptly and left Sam to be by himself for a while. He went to the recording room and shut the door.

This was his favorite place to be when things went wrong, a place where he can just let all his feelings out and never have to worry about anything afterwards.

He held his guitar and was very grateful that Sam didn’t follow him here. He hated himself for snapping at Sam and saying those last few words. Sammy was only trying to help and he just made things worse for the both of them. Dean pushed him away, just like anyone else who decided to care enough for him. He always did that because he continued to deny help in favor of losing the ones he held close.

He strummed the strings a little harder with every swing of his wrist, making the instrument cry out in his hands. He knew by experience that breaking his beloved guitar won’t help him calm down, but it didn’t stop him from trying.

He had lost count of the time he had spent wrapped up in his self loathe and hatred. So by the time the door swung open and in came Lisa, he was thankful that he had managed to calm down.

“Hey Lis. You’re late.” He managed to put on a half-smile and turn towards her as she made her way in.

She kissed him on his cheek. Typical.

“Hey Babe. Sorry, I got caught with Ben.”

She smiled and Dean immediately felt better. He gave her the still useable guitar and sat behind the piano.

They worked hard for the next 3-4 hours but the new songs were not coming out as good as Dean had hoped for. It almost felt too forced out. He knew he couldn’t get away with anymore songs related to him. There’s only so much self-hatred a fan base can take before they start screwing you over, right? His stomach made a noise and that was Dean’s sign to stop. He looked over at Lisa, who looked equally frustrated.

“I think we should go help Sam make lunch. This isn’t going anywhere.” Dean spoke, standing up from his seat behind the piano. Lisa agreed, setting down the worn out guitar.

“By the way, why didn’t you bring Ben?”

“Seriously? He wouldn’t have let you practice at all if he were here right now.”

Dean smiled, he loved that kid and always thought of Ben as his own son.

“So? I love that kid and you know I like spending time with him.”

Dean opened the door for her and followed her out the door.

“Yeah but you also have to spend time with me. We still have to make your next album Dean, aren’t you even a little bit concerned about that?”

Dean shrugged.

“What none of you have realized was that I never counted on this being a long term thing. I knew someday, it would all come to an end. I’m Dean Winchester… That’s just how it works.”

Lisa shook her head with disbelief but said nothing about it. She went to the other room to call Ben and check on him so Dean decided to make amends with Sam.

He knocked on Sam’s door and slowly opened it.

“Hey… You up?”

“..Yeah.”

Sam was lying on his bed, reading a book. It was something about law, as usual.

‘Oh shit.’ Dean thought. Dean was so stupid! Sam has an interview coming up in two days and he completely forgot about it. And he had left everything just to come and be with Dean and all Dean did was complain and whine like a child when he should have been helping him.

He sat down by Sam’s side.

“Sam… I’m sorry man. I shouldn’t have…”

“Dean, you don’t have to explain yourself.”

“I want to, damn it! I want to!”

Sam looked at him like he was a ghost and that killed Dean on the spot. He sighed softly and looked away from him.

“Look Sam, I know you’re right. And I’ve been trying for 6 months to stop. Last night… I just..”

Sam stared at him like he could see right through.

“It’s about him, isn’t it?”

Dean nodded slowly.

“Sam… When I come here, I feel like when he was here with me and it hurts. It’s like he’s haunting me inside my head, mocking me about how I can’t have the real thing. I can’t fucking think anymore without his voice… Sammy... I just miss him so much.”

Sam looked quite shocked and honestly, so did Dean. He hadn’t let his feelings out since… well forever. Sam nodded though, in understanding, and sat up so that he was face to face with his older brother.

“Well, I’m sorry that I talked the way that I did before. You know I just want you to be happy and Dean, you’re the happiest on that stage. The fans cherish you and you deserve it. I’m proud of my big brother and I want him to be happy with who he is.”

Dean smiled at him softly and patted his head like he used to when they were younger.

“Hey, don’t worry your smart ass, Sam Winchester. Big brother will always look after his family.”

Sam smiled too.

“Dean, I never doubted that. What I want is for you to be happy and take care of yourself.”

Dean nodded.

“I will tell Pam not to serve anything but beer and non-alcoholic drinks for me on tours from now on. Is that enough to make your worry lessen?”

Sam just nodded once. “It won’t stop me from worrying since I’ll always be worried about you, but it will calm me down a bit.”

Dean nodded and switched topics. “So… Monday is the big day?”

Another nod.

“You ready?”

A shrug. Well at least it wasn’t a nod.

“I really appreciate you helping me when you have your own situation. I would have understood if you hadn’t.”

“Dean, you’re my brother. I won’t ever deny a chance to make another moment with you, good or bad. We are family.”

Dean looked at the phone beside Sam’s thigh, switching the conversation again.

“Jess coming for the party?” Sam looked at him with a slight smirk.

“You bet your ass she’s coming. Last year she had so much fun. Almost too much fun.”

They both laughed at the memory. Having her around always ended with an amazing memory.

“Dean… I’m gonna ask her to marry me.”

Dean, not expecting that statement at all, suddenly lacked oxygen in his lungs. ‘What?! But Sam was just 22! He was too young! What if…’ He had to take a deep breathe to stop himself from fainting as though he was the one getting married. ‘He’s a big boy now Dean.’ His conscious finally stated. ‘Just be happy for him and support your baby brother.’

Sam looked at Dean nervously for his response and was very relieved at his smile.

“Wow… uh, well. I’m very happy for you man… I hope she says yes, you two are way too perfect for each other anyways. And you know I’ll be there for you every step of the way, right Sammy?”

Sam grinned happily.

“Yeah Dean… thanks.”

Dean gave Sam a hug, though it was very awkward since their position on the bed wasn’t the best for hugging. Damn it, his baby brother was going to be engaged soon, though Jess still had to accept his proposal first. He was so fucking happy, he couldn’t even stand still.

He finally went downstairs towards the kitchen where Lisa should be, singing happily. He managed to bypass Lisa’s question on why he was so happy all of a sudden and make the one thing that can make this day any greater, burgers.

 

 

 

* * *

* A Song For You *

* * *

 

 

**The Following Night – 7:30pm**

This party was amazing! The food was great, the champagne was perfect, and the music… Well, it was mostly his songs.

He took a shrimp and bit into it while he followed Sam with his eyes. His skyscraper of a brother looked like he was gonna be sick and Dean almost felt sorry for him. But he was very glad it was Jess, he couldn’t imagine Sam getting married to Lilith. He shuddered slightly. Jess was different, she was cool, funny, kind, and most importantly, she cared for Sam. Dean knew he could trust her with Sammy.

He looked around and found Lisa, talking to some random, possibly European guy. He was kinda hot, being blond with light blue eyes and a good smirk on his face.

Dean tried to pick up some of their words. Yeah, that was definitely a French accent. Huh, not bad Lisa. He lost interest in the conversation after a few minutes and his eyes began to wander once more.

After a while, his eyes caught sight of another guy at the other end of the room, this one definitely fitting his standards better than the other. Grey eyes, dark brown hair, angular sharp jaw and a full set of lips. Yep, absolutely his kind of guy. He looked cool so that even if he didn’t swing that way, they could still be good friends, right?

With that thought in mind, Dean found himself flirting with the guy a few moments later.

Well, trying anyways.

“Cool party, huh?”

He looked at Dean for a brief moment before facing forward again.

“Yeah… You’re Dean Winchester, right?”

Dean nodded and shook his hand.

“My name is Michael.”

Dean nodded again, noticing how he didn’t give him a last name. If he didn’t want to say it, it was completely cool with Dean.

“It’s nice to meet you Michael.”

Michael just nodded once.

“So, what brings you to this party?”

Michael sighed, probably hesitating on saying anything to a stranger. After a while he finally spoke.

“My younger brother’s boyfriend wanted my brother to come here but he wasn’t very keen on that idea, so he asked me and our other siblings to come along.

He looked at his half full glass before looking at Dean.

“My brother has been acting strange for a week now. It’s really unnerving…”

Dean wondered what was wrong with Michael’s brother for a moment before skipping to a bigger matter. Dean was pretty sure Michael had said his brother had a boyfriend. Would that mean Michael was gay too? Or maybe even bi?

“Huh, I hope your brother is okay then… Say, how about you then? Anyone here with you? Girlfriend... Boyfriend?”

Real smooth Dean. How much more obvious can you get.

Michael chuckled deeply, a very beautiful laugh if Dean said so himself. Yeah, Dean definitely had to get into his pants tonight.

“Fortunately for you Dean, I have no one with me here tonight or anywhere else. So feel free to flirt as much as you’d like.”

Dean laughed, a smirk growing very quickly.

“Oh, am I really that obvious?”

Michael matched his smirk. “Well, that and I’ve heard how you like to handpick your one night stands at parties.”

Dean shrugged and leaned back slightly. He could be as forward as fuck sometimes.

“Not always. It’s been quite some time since I’ve had a one night stand. I thought maybe I could try and start a relationship, but if you’re into that kind of stuff, I’m fine with that.”

Michael actually blushed! Dean smirked proudly and mentally patted himself on the back.

“I’m only kidding. But seriously, would you like to spend the night with me?”

Michael’s smirk was back again.

“Am I able to talk about this with my friends at school?”

Dean snorted. Seriously, where has this guy been all these years? But then again, Dean knew there had to be a catch. No one was perfect, or at least, no one else.

 

“Hmmm, we can get to a middle agreement about that, can’t we?”

Dean winked and he could actually see the effect it has on Michael. He had to straighten both his shoulders and ended up looking Dean in the eye.

“Yeah, we can make it work.”

“Perfect.” Dean smiled and switched their topic to movies and actors they liked.

Dean was making a comment about how incredible sexy Clint Eastwood was when Pamela ran towards him.

“Dean, you seen Lis?”

Dean shrugged, really wishing she would go away.

“Last time I saw her, she was talking to that French dude over there.”

He pointed his thumb towards said guy.

“You mean Balthazar?” Michael asked and Dean raised an eyebrow in question.

“The French guy you are talking about is Balthazar, who is also my brother’s boyfriend.”

Pamela nodded and glared a Michael slightly.

“Yes, and he is also a very big producer. That’s why Lisa was talking to him earlier, Dean.”

It made a lot more sense now. But that still didn’t answer his question as to why Pam interrupted his chat with Michael.

“Ok, that’s understandable Pam but I still don’t see how I can help you.”

Pamela rolled her eyes and her glare turned towards him now.

“Well, Ben called and since I couldn’t find Lisa, you’re my only choice.”

Dean felt his blood run cold. Did something happen to Ben?

“Ben? What is it?! Is he okay?!”

“He’s okay Dean. He just needs someone to go and pick him up because apparently his babysitter baled.”

Dean’s worry turned to rage. How many fucking times did he tell Lisa not to leave Ben with random babysitters?! Why didn’t she ever listen to him! He’s going to have a serious word with her later.

He sighed and looked at Michael.

“Will you be okay if I go and get him? He’s only 5 but he’s the coolest kid you’ll ever meet, honestly.”

Michael seemed surprised by Dean’s choice of words to describe the young boy.

“Will it be ok if I come with you then?”

It was Dean’s turn to be surprised.

“Absolutely. Let’s roll.”

He gave Pam a reassuring look and guided Michael outside. They got to the parking lot and Dean swore he just heard Michael gasp when they stopped by his baby.

“This is your ride? You’re kidding me?”

Dean smirked and looked down at his black 1967 Chevy Impala.

“Ain’t my ride, she’s my baby and you’re the very first stranger to sit inside so feel honored.”

Michael chuckled again and Dean had to laugh with him.

“Come on, get in before I change my mind and make you walk.”

Michael nodded and got inside the car.

 

 

 

* * *

* A Song For You *

* * *

 

 

Dean looked in the mirror where he could see Ben in the back, very much sound asleep, before he turned to Michael. Michael was looking over his cassette tapes but Dean could sense a question hanging in the air above him.

“Okay, spill. Ask what you want, I won’t get upset or mad.”

Michael looked at him for a good minute before he spoke.

“Why do you still have cassettes? I didn’t know you liked classic rock.”

Dean raised his brows at him.

“Well, that wasn’t the question I expected. And dude, seriously? Have you even heard a record of mine?”

Michael blushed again. Seriously, a guy that handsome and hot shouldn’t be blushing so much, right? Dean never blushed.

“Well, now I will. I always thought that new, famous people are all about that pop crap you hear a lot.”

Dean laughed.

“Oh I think someone should give the new guys a try. Actually with all the talent shows, that has very much changed.”

Michael looked out of the window.

“Oh right, you were in one of them.”

“Was...”

“You didn’t win?”

“Nah. I placed second.”

“Huh… Oh hey, what did you think I was gonna ask before?”

Dean looked at the kid in the backseat from the rear mirror and shrugged.

“Oh… Is Ben yours?”

“Nah… If you asked me, I’d say yes because come on. That kid is awesome and he just acts so much like me. But Lisa says he’s not so… I ain’t pushing that.”

Michael smiled at him. It was strangely familiar to Dean. Honestly everything about this guy sitting next to him was, and it was kind of nerve-racking.

“You wish he was yours...”

That wasn’t really a question, so Dean didn’t answer.

“Hey, how old are you?”

Michael looked at him like he was trying to see right through him. God damn it.

“28. I’m 28.”

Dean nodded.

Good, so he was only 2 years older than Dean. Why did he even care though? It’s not like he was going to start a relationship with Michael here, right? But then again, he had let him into his car. Dean moved his fingers in his hair and pushed them back, staring at the road in front of him.

This was stupid. He hated how Michael had gotten to him like this. This was not like Dean Winchester at all. Michael was just another guy who would leave him soon enough. When they got back to the party and Dean had given Ben to Lisa, Balthazar approached them.

“Dean Winchester, I’ve heard so much about you. Finally, I get to meet you in person and you’re already friends with my boyfriend’s brother. That’s good.”

Dean didn’t like how sure of himself Balthazar spoke but hey, you can’t always have what you want, right?

He raised his hand to shake Balthazar’s.

“You must be Balthazar Milton. My manager Pamela told me about you, it’s nice to meet you.”

Hey, if manners could get him a big, fat, expensive contract, he could behave. Against all rumors, he was actually pretty good at controlling his actions. He just didn’t see any point in doing it so often.

“I suggest we move this party to somewhere more… private. There’s more fun in having couples around, don’t you agree? We are still young and can have much more fun than champagne if you ask me.” Dean was playing this out real smoothly.

Balthazar winked before he nodded.

“Of course. If only I could find my boyfriend, he has been suspiciously hiding from me all night.”

‘Well, he wouldn’t be if you hadn’t forced him to come here.’ He thought, feeling very sorry for the poor boy who was somehow this strange person’s date.

Dean felt completely annoyed though. What was up with these people and not saying the dude’s name? Was he just ‘the boyfriend’ and ‘the brother’?

“Why don’t you just text him?” Michael said and Balthazar nodded once.

He looked at the two men before guiding them to one of the back rooms while Balthazar texted this mysterious boyfriend.

Dean texted Sam to take Jess there as well. Young couples, right? Plus he didn’t like being surrounded by these strange people. He needed the comfort of Sam being there with him.

Before he knew it though, they were all sitting in a room full of alcohol while they waited for Balthazar to bring in his boyfriend. Aside from Dean and Michael and Sam and Jess, there was Anna, Michael’s sister, and her date, and Gabriel. Michael’s twin brother and his two girls were there too. No one actually knew where they had come from.

Dean didn’t know exactly HOW he ended up kissing Michael, but he was definitely kissing him right now.

He ignored Sam’s glare and pulled Michael a little bit towards himself, pushing him to the couch. He even tasted familiar, like he reminded Dean of something he used to love when he was younger.

They pulled apart when the door opened and Balthazar came in, pulling a guy right after him.

Dean felt everything stop at that very moment and he couldn’t help but turn very pale.

Dark, gorgeous black hair.

Dark, ocean blue eyes.

Pink but full chapped lips.

The strong shaped jaw and nose…

Jesus _fucking_ Christ.

It was him.

It was _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida | Guys don't forget to give us reviews. :) thanks for reading.


	3. Stupid Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's the mysterious guy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuki | I gravely apologize for this horrible delay! It was not Mida’s fault the chapter came late, for I was sick most of the week and had other issues in comparison to that. I could not have edited Mida’s story because of this and so I dearly apologize to both you, the readers, and Mida.  
> Please enjoy this long, tension filled chapter created mostly by Mida.  
> Disclaimer | We do not own Supernatural nor its characters and the plot is owned by Mida_Malek.

 

This was not real. This was all just a dream and he will wake up right about now. Dean blinked. _‘It couldn’t possibly be him… Right?! Oh my god, please say this isn’t real.’_ Dean was officially panicking. _‘Please say he did NOT just kiss Castiel’s fucking BROTHER.’_ Oh god, he could feel himself turning white as a sheet as he stared at his ex-lover.

Castiel, on the other hand, just gave him a quick once over before turning to Balthazar. It was as if he didn’t even remember him! Did Dean really mean nothing to Cas, even after all they’ve been through. He knew he wasn’t hard to get over but this… It wasn’t as though Cas was over him, it felt more like Cas had never been with him in the first place. And honestly, that hurt a fucking lot.

Maybe Dean hadn’t made a mistake after all..

Maybe, Cas just hadn’t felt what Dean had felt all those years ago…

No. He knew what they had was real. But did Cas even remember that feeling?

What was Dean supposed to do now?

Dean blinked in realization.

Wait a minute. Why the hell did Michael say yes to him if he was Castiel’s brother!? Didn’t Cas even tell his family about him?! Had Dean run his mouth about Cas to Sam and Bobby… Only to find out he was Castiel’s dirty secret! Okay, now he felt hurt and _offended_. He had spent the last 6 years mooning over someone who didn’t even tell his loved ones about him!

When Dean focused back into reality, he took in the exact moment Cas took hold of Balthazar’s shirt and kissed him smack on the lips.

If Dean thought a knife to his heart was painful, then this was an understatement.

Dean felt like he was gonna be sick. He felt his stupid tears pushing at the back of his eyes and a ball of angst in his throat.

No. Abso-fucking-lutely not. Dean was not going to lose to this game. Cas wanted to play? Oh, he had no idea just what he had gotten himself into. He was gonna make Castiel pay for this.

He looked at Michael, who stared back at him in return. Dean ignored the fact that Michael had a similar look of realization in his eyes.

If Michael knows something, he’s apparently not going to say it anytime soon.

Time to play the Game. “He’s your brother?”

Michael’s eyes flickered to Castiel then looked back at Dean with a slightly softer look.

“Yeah, that’s him.”

Dean just slightly nodded and pulled Michael closer to him, shifting slightly to kiss the guy properly. He now knew why everything seemed so familiar about Michael, he reminded Dean of Castiel. But he wasn’t Cas and he was missing the special thing about Cas that Dean loved, the exact shade of Blue in his eyes.

No. Dean was _not_ going to think about this anymore, not now. Not when he knew Castiel never felt the way he felt.

God, he hated himself even more than ever. It doesn’t help that kissing Michael only made the guilt worse.

Though, if he had paid any attention to Michael when they began kissing, he would have felt the slight hesitation Michael gave off before kissing him fully once more.

Dean, back to playing his little game with Castiel, bit at Michael’s bottom lip, very pleased when Michael opened his mouth and allowed his tongue in. Dean could definitely get lost in his mouth.

Dean could tell the exact moment Sammy saw Castiel and recognized him when he decided to bruise Dean's side with his massive elbow.

Dean broke the kiss and turned to Sam, who somehow looked like he was about to have a panic attack.

“Dean…”

“I know Sammy, just…Shut up okay.”

Hallelujah, Sam actually listened to Dean and shut his mouth before turning to his fiancé.

Dean turned back to Michael, who looked back at his own younger brother before turning to him.

“Is everything alright?”

Michael asked this while sitting up straighter as though there was danger nearby. He looked at Dean with a slight concerned gaze that made Dean’s heart flutter for a moment. He didn’t know which Michael he liked better, flirty Michael or concerned Michael. He wonders if badass Michael or drunk Michael will be any better. Dean cleared his throat slightly and shook his head.

“Nothing of importance, my brother just thinks what we are doing is slightly inappropriate when there are guests here with us. But it’s not like we were doing anything too bad, right? We were just kissing innocently.” Dean gave him his famous boyish grin. Michael rolled his eyes slightly, leaned forward and kissed him chastely before slowly getting up.

“Okay then _mister innocent_. I’m going to go get us something to drink, would you like anything specific?”

Dean shook his head and tilted his head in a small smile. He honestly would have wished it could have worked out with Michael, he’s truly a great guy. It was quite upsetting how the only two people in the world who made Dean feel better just by being there just had to be related.

Dean gave the universe the mental middle finger just for that.

Balthazar, who was finally done lip-locking with Dean’s ex, seemed almost completely oblivious to the tension between Dean and Castiel when he decided to drag Castiel so that he was standing beside him right in front of Dean. As hard as it was for Dean, he pushed himself up onto his feet and smiled at Balthazar.

“Mr. Winchester, I’d like for you to meet my boyfriend, Castiel Novak.”

He will very well deny that his heart jumped when his eyes met with the blue ocean color he so very much missed. He put on a forced smile and shook Castiel’s raised hand.

“I believe we’ve already met before, Mr. Winchester.”

Dean felt his heart drop. First he acted like he didn’t even know him and now he’s acting as though he does?! Just what was Castiel playing here, he didn’t know...

“I believe we have.”

Dean quickly let go of his hand as though it burned. He kept up his fake grin, thankfully he was good at acting too.

“It’s very nice to see you here of all places, it’s been too long I’d say.”

Yep, Cas looked completely uncomfortable. Score one for Dean.

Unfortunately for Cas, Balthazar ignored his discomfort and continued talking.

“Why don’t we all sit down and discuss about you and your future plans, Dean?”

Oh, so they _were_ on the first name bases. Dean just nodded slightly and sat down once more, praying to any God above that was listening to him for Michael to show up and rescue him from this tension.

“Yes, I believe you have talked to my friend and band mate Lisa, correct?”

Balthazar nodded and Dean knew he noticed the side glance Dean threw at Cas.

“Yes well, I need to know just how much she told you so I won’t be repeating anything for you, if you will.”

Dean smiled with a tilt of his head. Oh, he knew exactly how to make Castiel pay now. He may not have felt that way about Dean but Dean was absolutely positive he wasn’t going to take Dean screwing his older brother.

“Well, she told me you live here and that you’re currently working on your next album. She didn’t fill me in on how it’s going though so I am a bit curious.”

Of course she hadn’t, she wasn’t an idiot.

“Well, we can’t exactly give away information on our tracks without being positive that you’ll be working with us. You have heard what happened to the poor… ‘Demons’?”

Balthazar chuckled and nodded.

“Well, I guess you’re more than just a pretty face.”

He turned slightly towards Cas and winked.

“I guess I lost a $100 to you, baby.”

Castiel blushed at the nickname and dean would be damned if he didn’t jump on this chance.

“Oh really? So you’ve been talking about me? What has your boyfriend mentioned about me?”

“Nothing I don’t already know.” He winked at Cas again and Castiel smiled shyly.

“He knows that you were my friend for a while in collage… And that we stopped talking after you left..”

So that’s all he meant to him, just a friend.

Luckily, Michael did eventually come to his rescue and sat down beside him, holding a glass up for him to take. He drank half of the glass in one gulp and smiled hazily at Michael as he dragged him closer.

“Thank you Michael.”

“You’re welcome Dean.”

Dean kissed him on the cheek, something very intimate that he never thought he would do to him. He must not be completely sober now.

Michael looked at him surprised before turning to Castiel.

“I know I shouldn’t be asking this but… Was Dean the person you were hiding from, dear brother?” Michael looked back at him then his brother once more. “No wait, sorry, let me rephrase that. I can already tell you were hiding from him. What I don’t understand is why...”

Dean looked slightly surprised at his straight-forward question. Michael must have had a drink before coming back to him because he was almost positive he wouldn’t have said that out loud.

But more importantly, Michael was right. Why would Castiel take measures to try and avoid him when he didn’t care about him anymore?

Cas rolled his eyes and leaned more into Balthazar, earning a slight twitch from Dean.

“Because I didn’t want him to think I’m using the friendship we had years ago to get Balthazar that business deal.”

Call Dean crazy but Cas was lying his ass off here.

“Oh, trust me. I didn’t even think of it like that. It’s always so _great_ to see old _friends_.”

He winked at Castiel before scooting closer to a less-than-sober Michael.

“You know.. I really want to be alone with you at the moment.. What do you say about leaving?” He whispered this in his ear, stealing a side glance at Cas before pulling away.

Michael turned a light pink and nodded once.

Dean knew this was a very bad idea and he certainly couldn’t risk having sex with Michael when it was only to get revenge at Cas.. It wouldn’t be fair to Michael, even if it was a one night stand.

He looked at Balthazar. “So? Are you planning to work with us?”

Balthazar shrugged. “I have to think about this a bit longer, but it’s most likely going to happen.”

Dean gave him a business smile and nodded shortly.

“Okay, enough with work.” Dean clapped his hands loudly, making everyone jump. “Tell me how you two met. I remember Cas here wanted to be a doctor. How did he end up with you?”

Balthazar laughed drunkenly and kissed Cas full on the lips. It made Dean feel completely sick so he shifted his glaze onto his hand, the one on top of Michael’s hand in the space between them.

“Well, he actually did become a doctor. He’s the best heart surgeon in the state even! He was actually my father’s doctor and saved his life. I saw him again at a party a few weeks after and… You know, how could I resist?”

Dean knew. Dean definitely knew exactly what Balthazar meant. Cas was irresistible, how can anyone resist. He forced a small smile on his face, hoping it will work.

“A heart surgeon, huh? That’s understandable.” He always knew Cas would end up doing something incredible. “So… How long have you two been together?”

“Nearly a year.” Balthazar placed his arm around Cas and gave a drunk smile.

All Cas did was blush and let out a shy smile.

Dean was suddenly really interested in his drink. He thought it was tequila, maybe it wasn’t but it was doing the job right so he didn’t really take notice.

Dean felt heavier with every sip he took while Michael seemed more than happy to be his pillow. Dean could tell they were all getting really drunk, though not completely wasted.

He glanced at his watch, though it did take a while before he knew what it said on the tiny screen. It was half past ten.

He looked around slowly. Anna and Gabriel seemed to be playing on the Wii, one that Dean never expected to be at such a fancy party. He looked across the room and caught Sam staring at his drink, clearly unhappy. _‘That’s it.’_ Dean thought. _‘Time to do something better than getting completely wasted.’_

He placed his drink aside on the small table nearest to him and slowly got up. He gave Sam a smile and motioned him over to them. Sam looked slightly concerned before approaching them with Jess in tow. _‘Had he already proposed?’_ He wondered. He looked at Jessica’s left hand, noticing the beautiful ring on her fragile finger. _‘Yeah, guess Sammy got his happy ending.’_ Dean smiled, he won’t let this night go to hell for him.

“Balthazar, I haven’t introduced you to my brother and his fiancé.”

As his brother and fiancé came over, he hugged Jessica tightly.

“Welcome to the family.” He softly whispered into her ear before kissing her lightly on the cheek and pulling back.

He smiled widely and pulled Michael up with him, Balthazar and Cas followed afterwards.

It only occurred to Dean that he had never actually _seen_ Castiel drunk before. He tried to ignore the possible feeling of guilt and told himself that this was on Balthazar, not him. His smile shrunk slightly but returned when Sam patted his shoulder.

“Congrats guys.”

In any other situation, Dean would be throwing dirty jokes about how he always thought Jess was out of Sam’s league, but right now all he knew was that a pair of Deep Ocean blue eyes won’t seem to look him in the eyes.

He turned to Balthazar and the Novak brothers.

“This is my baby brother, Sam and his recently engaged fiancé Jessica.”

After getting playfully smacked across the arm by said brother, Dean, still holding his ‘wounded’ arm, just couldn’t stop grinning. Balthazar tried to straighten his back and shake Sam’s hand professionally but all the alcohol in him was making it a bit hard.

“Hello Sam, I’m Balthazar, and this is my boyfriend Castiel and his brother Michael.”

Sam’s eyes widened when he heard Michael was Cas’ brother but to Dean’s appreciation, he didn’t say a word and just shook their hands.

“Hello Sam, it’s nice to see you again.”

Loveable Cas would never forget Sam, of course. Castiel gave Sam a warm smile, which was responded by a very confused Sam. Dean’s heart did a flip when he saw Cas’ smile. It looked so much like Castiel, unlike everything else he’d seen him do all night.

Michael shook Sam’s hand and gave Jess a small smile and bow before turning to Dean again, leaning a bit forward into his personal space, reminding Dean of a certain someone once more.

“Can we go now Dean? I’d rather be alone with you right now. Plus, Castiel has been acting strange all night and I just can’t bare to see him like this any longer.”

Dean felt the exact same way and nodded once before grabbing Michael’s hand.

He looked at his watch again, eleven sharp. Time flies by when you notice your brother got himself engaged.

“Hey Sammy,” Dean spoke, interrupting Sam’s laughter to one of Jessica’s jokes. “We’re gonna leave now. You and Jess going back to the house or will you be heading back to Stanford?”

Sam looked at Jess in question and smiled.

“We’re gonna go home, I need to talk to you anyways before we go back just yet.”

Dean frowned. “Is everything alright?”

He leaned forward to whisper in his brother’s fiancé’s ear and she nodded in understanding.

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. Promise.”

Jess kissed Dean on his cheek this time.

“Have fun Dean.”

Dean nodded and gave Sam a silent promise not to overdrink.

“Balthazar, Cas, it was really nice seeing the two of you. Now, if you’ll excuse us Cas, I’m going to steal your brother for the rest of the night.”

Dean winked at Cas playfully and immediately felt guilty once he noticed the hurt and sadness in Cas’ eyes. Apparently, the drunk Cas wasn’t very good at this game.

Dean told himself he didn’t care and gripped Michael’s hand tighter.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Michael nodded and gave Cas a quick, concerning gaze before hesitantly following Dean out the door. They took in the cool breeze that swept the night and Dean was really happy that he got out of that tension filled room.

Though as soon as he raised his head, he knew he’d made a mistake.

There were flashing lights and at least a dozen paparazzi screaming at him.

He also realized how bad it was to still be gripping Michael’s hand in this situation.

“Dean! Who is this guy?!”

“Dean, is he your boyfriend?!”

“Are you gay Dean?! Are you?!”

“Dean, is it true that you have a drinking problem?!”

“Damn it.” He muttered under his breath. He looked at Michael apologetically.

“I’m sorry, this was supposed to be a private party, no paparazzi and all.”

Michael, somehow able to still hear him through all the noise, nodded in acknowledgment.

“It’s okay. Just make sure they know I’m not your boyfriend.”

Dean would have laughed if they were in a better situation.

He turned back to the paparazzi. “Listen guys, I’m not here to answer any questions so leave me alone! But know that this guy is not my boyfriend.”

He paused to make sure everyone was getting his every word.

“And no! I do NOT have a drinking problem!”

He smiled despite his anger. He knew better than to let the stupid magazines have anything on him acting badly.

He nodded and moved through the crowd to his car with Michael in tow, Michael sitting in the car just like before.

There was complete silence once they hit the road.

He drove carefully, not completely trusting his driving skills while slightly intoxicated.

“I’m sorry about that. Is it okay if we go to your place or a hotel or something? I can’t go back home now, they’ll be waiting for me.” Dean scowled, he hated this situation very much.

Michael nodded and spoke for the first time since they left the room. “It’s fine Dean. It wasn’t your fault, I completely understand. And yes, we can go back to my hotel if you’d like.”

Dean looked at him in shock and Michael laughed.

“Yes Dean, I don’t live here. My office and home is in New York if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Oh, really? Well… What is your job, if you don’t mind me asking.”

Michael looked outside. “I’m a lawyer.”

Dean snorted. “Huh, ironic.”

Michael turned to him again. “Why?”

“Sammy’s studying to become lawyer.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, going to Stanford to become one. Smart kid.”

Dean smiled, thinking about Sam and his bright future always made him smile.

Michael smiled at Dean’s soft look. “I could tell.”

Silence once more.

“So, what about you? Didn’t you go to college?”

Dean shrugged.

“That’s where I met your brother after all. I dropped out after my sophomore year though, took a shot with my singing and here I am now.

“Eh, really? What was your major then? I can’t see you becoming a doctor.”

Dean chuckled.

“Mechanical engineering, was gonna become an engineer...”

It had all seemed funny to Dean even back then. Him, an engineer.

Michael nodded slowly before turning his head.

“Take a right here.”

“You’re staying at Kings?”

Michael shrugged.

“Huh, good taste Mike. Not bad.”

“Mike?” His eyebrow raised.

“Yeah…” Dean will deny the growing blush on his face.

Michael didn’t say anything afterwards, completely deep in his thoughts. Dean knew he had something on his mind but he couldn’t tell if it was about Cas or him. All he knew was that he was in deep trouble with Michael if he really did expect sex at the end of the night.

He liked the current silence for now though as they walked into the hotel and up the elevator. He can so get used to it.

“Dean? Can I ask what happened between you and my brother?”

Dean shrugged, already missing the silence as they walked into the hallway.

“Nothing really. We were friends then we weren’t. With him graduating and me leaving for the show, we kinda lost touch...”

“Then how come he never mentioned you?”

Dean looked steadily into the vast hallway, feeling his heart crack at the cold truth.

“I wouldn’t know Michael, you should ask him.”

They made it to Michael’s room within another set of silence that both had grown accustomed to. His room was like any other fancy hotel room, a  king sized bed with a living room area and a nice sized bathroom to the side. There was a small bar near the big screen television that had drinks that probably costs more than the room itself. There was a suitcase on one side of the room and a few personal things on a small table but otherwise looked unlived in.

Dean sat on the bed and stared down at his fingers, nervous at what was next to come. He didn’t know how to tell Michael that he just couldn’t go through with the promises they made throughout the night.

He sighed and brushed his hair out of his eyes as Michael sat down beside him, still keeping a slight distance though. He stared across the room before speaking very clearly.

“Dean.. I know you two were more than just friends. You don’t have to lie to me.”

Dean didn’t want to answer anymore, not because he was caught lying but the fact that he lied in the first place.

“He didn’t tell me, just so you know. I know my brother and if there’s one thing I do understand, it was that he was definitely avoiding your gaze the whole night and was very upset when you left with me.”

Dean looked and felt completely guilty now. How come Michael figured this all out and yet still left with him then?

As if knowing what he was thinking, Michael patted Dean’s shoulder slightly before looking up at the ceiling this time. “I had to talk to you alone somehow and getting you even more drunk at that party wasn’t going to help. It was a bad idea to lead you here, yes, but I would like for you to help me out here since my brother won’t.”

Dean hated how hurt he sounded near the end, as though Cas had completely shut him out.

He didn’t even realize he had started talking until he heard his own voice crack.

“You know. I spent 6 years of my life thinking I hurt him. I hated myself so much for it. And now… Now I realized he didn’t even consider me as a friend and it hurts. It’s kinda funny isn’t it? How stupid a person can get when they lose the one they care about.”

Dean was taken by surprise when Michael leaned forward and kissed him tenderly, a simple brush of his lips. It was more comforting than an actual kiss but it was still very endearing. Michael stared down at him when they separated, both hands on his shoulders now.

“You’re not stupid Dean, so stop thinking like that. I know Castiel very well. He cares about you, even if he doesn’t seem that way.”

Dean hated how hopeful those words made him feel. It made him feel even worse.

“I don’t know what happened between the two of you but you need to talk about it. And I mean with Cas, not me, though I would like to know one of these days.”

He should stay away from Cas and his new, happy life, not get closer.

His throat felt closed, his eyes tried to look anywhere but Michael. “Can we please not talk about Cas..?”

Fuck. He sounded so pleading, so pathetic.

Michael shrugged and released his gentle grip, knowing he already made his point to Dean.

“You want anything to drink then?”

Dean shook his head and chuckled at the random statement. He could feel Michael smiling beside him.

“So.. I guess we’re not gonna do it then, huh?”

Dean said it more like a statement than a question.

Michael chuckled before standing up and making his way across the room,

“Well, I really was planning that one night stand but it might not be such a good idea after all.” He let out a nervous chuckle as he grabbed two glasses and a random bottle from the mini bar. “I truly am sorry though Dean. I really do like you. You’re different, like there’s more to you than this whole bad boy superstar cover you seem to appear as. I really wish there could have been something here but..”

“I know Michael, I wasn’t going to do anything here either. I couldn’t possibly do this to you or Cas… Or myself for that matter.”

Michael nodded and turned around, holding two glasses.

“Just out of curiosity, why did you even agree to spend the night with me even after you realized that I was Castiel’s ex?”

Michael shrugged and sat down once more, holding out the glass for Dean to take.

“Well, like I said, I had to talk to you about this. It was more of a test to see if you were really worthy enough for Castiel.”

Oh, the whole big-brother-instinct. Dean understands that by experience.

“Ah I see… So am I?”

“I don’t know. Are you going to go talk to him the next time you see him?”

Dean shrugged and downed the whole glass before he even got a chance to ask what it was. To Dean’s surprise, it was actually plain water.

“Thanks Michael…”

As he calmed down, his thoughts turned back to Cas. He really needed to talk to him soon.

 _‘No shit Sherlock! You’re a fucking Winchester, pull your shit together and talk to him already!’_ A voice said. It sounded suspiciously like his father.

Dean handed the glass back to Michael. “I should probably go. I’ll try and talk to Cas when I get the chance.”

Was he really though?

Michael gave him a soft smile.

“Thank you Dean. And you know, I’d really like to stay friends. I can understand if you don’t want to be because of this but…”

Dean cut him off with a sudden kiss, though this was far different than the last one. It was demanding but not completely brutal. He bit at Michael’s lower lip and pushed his tongue onwards. It didn’t have many emotions in it, just a desperate act of want. Mostly for Cas though.

Fuck. Dean was so screwed.

“I’d like to stay friends too.”

Michael’s ears turned a bit red as he nodded, standing up and going over to his suitcase. As he searched for something within it, Dean stood up as well, collecting his keys and waiting by the mirror. He gave himself a once over.

He looked like he had been fucked hard, which was ironic since they hadn’t even gone past kissing each other like mad. His lips were swollen red and he had somehow managed to get his hair pointing in all directions. His clothes were a mess too and he realized he didn’t even want to make himself presentable.

Michael returned to his side with a card in his hand.

“Here, this has my number and address on it. Feel free to drop by if you’re in town.”

Michael winked but Dean knew it was a playful jester. He took the card anyways and smiled.

“Thanks Michael.”

Michael smiled widely and opened the front door.

“Drive safely, Dean Winchester.”

“A pleasure to have met you, Michael Novak.”

 

*                      A Song For You                        *

 

Dean found himself in the elevator, alone and completely fucked over. He thought about what Michael said. He hated how Michael affected him like how Cas did. He really wanted to hate them both.

The sliding doors opened and he walked straight into the lobby, noticing it was empty except for one very familiar figure. His eyes froze when they recognized the figure. He knew he was supposed to breathe now, he just didn’t remember _how_.

_Shit, Shit, shit, shit, shit! Do something! Say Something!_

But all he did was stare at the young man, who stared back at him. It looked as though he had been… crying..

Fuck. What was Dean supposed to do with this information?!

“Um... Hey.”

He finally managed to say this after what had felt like years of silence.

It seemed like his voice triggered something in Castiel because no sooner, he had a fist full of Dean’s leather jacket and was pushing into Dean's personal space.

“Hey? That’s all you have to say? HEY!?”

Dean felt like he couldn’t move despite Castiel’s stare and yelling. _What the…_

“You know what! Fuck you Dean! FUCK. YOU.”

Dean wanted to push Cas away but he just couldn’t. He felt like he deserved all of this anger.

“Cas…”

Cas had tears forming in his eyes, though he held them back.

“Don’t you fucking call me that. Not you. Not now. Not after all this…”

Cas released his jacket from his clutches but didn’t step back. Dean wanted to cower from his gaze but kept a steady look on Cas.

“I’m sorry…”

“For what though, Dean? For what? For leaving me like that 6 years ago? For not answering my calls? For telling Sam to tell me you didn’t want to see me anymore?! For being a complete asshole?! Or for fucking my brother?! For kissing him in front of me too! Fuck you, Dean Winchester! I fucking hate you!”

Dean didn’t know when Cas had started punching him but he knew that the physical pain was nothing compared to the damage his words had caused.

He slowly took hold of Cas’ wrists. Cas didn’t even try to get out of them.

“I... Cas, I didn’t do anything with your brother. I just couldn’t… I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for kissing Michael. I’m sorry I hurt you back then. I’m sorry I hurt you now. I’m sorry that I left you when I couldn’t get over you. I’m sorry I ruined my own happiness. I’m sorry that I can’t be with anyone else cause they aren’t you. I hurt us both and I’m fucking sorry about it Cas.”

When did Dean start crying, he didn’t know. He just knew that he had tears rolling down his cheeks and he didn’t care. He had spent years planning what to tell Cas if they had ever met again and this was so far from it. Everything just hurts so much right now.

Cas looked shocked but there was still no forgiveness in his eyes. If anything, he looked angrier now.

“Why” It wasn’t much louder than a whisper.

Dean couldn’t answer, as though he had lost his voice.

He did something extremely risky instead.

He closed the distance between himself and Castiel, placing one hand on the back of his neck. He looked into those burning ocean blues and tugged at Cas’ hair.

“I’m sorry...”

He pulled Cas towards him, pushing his lips on his. It was wet and sloppy and they both tasted like salt from the tears but fuck, it felt good. Dean bit, sucked, and licked Cas’ lips, begging for entrance. Cas made a noise that Dean so ever missed and opened his mouth, letting Dean in. Dean shoved his tongue inward and brushed every corner of Cas’ mouth. It felt so fucking good, it actually made Dean’s chest ache. He didn’t want to let go. Not now, not again.

One of them moaned and Dean pulled back just a little, leaning his forehead on Cas’.

“I’ve fucking missed you, Cas.”

Fuck. Cas was crying too. He looked so little and vulnerable. Dean hugged him close and breathed in his scent. It all felt so fucking good. It took them a good amount of time to calm down. Cas was sobering up and Dean could tell it wasn’t gonna end well again.

He moved a little then completely pushed Dean away.

“I-I can’t do this Dean. I just can’t. I have Balthazar now... I have a life and… you’re not in it. I can’t risk everything I have for you… I can’t… I don’t trust you enough to do that… Not again.”

Dean could feel a bunch of knives ripping his guts from the inside.

It wasn’t fair. This was not fucking fair.

Or maybe… It was. Dean had had his chance and ruined everything, all because he was a fucking coward.

He nodded slowly and let go of Castiel.

Cas had a mix of shocked and anger in his eyes again.

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say? A nod?!”

Cas sounded sad and disappointed and all Dean wanted to do was just die. He prayed to any god above who was listening to just take his life away right now.

“I… I’m sorry Cas… You’re right. It doesn’t matter how much I love you… I’m no good. You deserve much better than me…”

He sighed and took a step back. It felt like the biggest slap on his face, the moment he said those words.

“You’re not even going to fight for me… Are you?”

Dean used his last bit of courage to look straight into Cas’ eyes.

“Cas… Please don’t do this to me… You know I can’t ask for you to give up the steady life you have now for the rollercoaster that is mine. You’re better off without me…”

Castiel gave him one last hard look before he nodded slowly and walked towards the door, head down. Dean could see the tears falling down but he couldn’t do anything about it, not now.

The big clock on the wall dinged loudly, announcing that it was officially midnight. Dean felt like he was in a Disney movie, oh how he wished he were. Maybe that way, he could have a happy ending. Not like this crappy one.

To Dean’s relief, they were still alone in the lobby when this entire scene occurred.

This was the right thing to do, Dean knew it was. But why did it hurt so much if it was right? Why did Dean feel like he wanted to commit suicide?

He walked out of the lobby and got into his Impala.

He slowly touched his lips. They were still tingling.

Fuck. He was so fucking screwed. He leaned his forehead against the cool steering wheel and let the rest of his tears flow out. He didn’t know when he started hitting his head against the hard plastic but the pain and sharp buzz in his head made him stop. He just stayed still for quite a while, ignoring the shooting pain in his chest. Maybe if he was very lucky, they would find him dead here tomorrow morning.

 _‘Very lucky indeed’_ His last thought, before darkness took over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuki | Please Kudos and Review! We’d love to hear your opinions!  
> MIda| Hey tell us what you think so we know where you rather this story to go. I have a good vision of where I want it to go but i would like to hear what y'all think!:)


	4. The Campus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how it all began...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida | Ok guys, last chapter was too much feels to deal with and i thought i should give you all a little space before chapter 5. And there will be more flash backs to come. You will know the boys have gotten to this point pretty soon.:)
> 
> Yuki | Just a note for everyone that Monday Updates very since Mida is 12 hours ahead of me. So the chapter could either be a day earlier for one person or a day later for another. Sorry again! D:  
> Please enjoy this short filled chapter created mostly by Mida.
> 
> Disclaimer | We do not own Supernatural nor its characters and the plot is owned by Mida_Malek.

**7 years ago – 8am – September 7th, 1998**         

 

A 20 year old Dean Winchester threw his bag over his shoulder and slowly slid out of his black 1967 Chevy Impala. He looked towards the buildings and mentally cursed Sam for forcing him to do this. This was so stupid, HE was so stupid. And apparently, so were the college administrators. Seriously, whoever allowed anyone like him anywhere even CLOSE to a college campus, let alone let them study there, was practically stupid. Dean just didn’t understand them.

Apparently though, they thought his grades were good enough and had wanted him here.

Okay, so he was good with fixing stuff but that possibly couldn’t be enough to get into college, right?

Well whatever. He’s here now, just like last year during his freshman year. He was a sophomore in college now, just great. He always hated the beginning of the school year, like waiting to find out who will be your roommate for the rest of the year. Dean sighed. He knew he was supposed to be with Garth, his best friend in this shithole, but they usually always find a way to screw you over here.

So when he arrived to his dorm, he was really relieved to see Garth there. He managed to stop cursing himself, Sam, their father, and everyone else who had led him to this place by the time he was met with a huge hug from said friend.

He was also really happy to see Jo here. She is a freshman this year and Dean had promised Ellen that he was going to take care of her. He loved her like the little sister he never had. That’s how they ended up in the cafeteria whenever they got the chance.

It was one of those times when he met _him_.

He had gone to see if he could get a second burger because surprisingly they made great burgers here, when he hadn’t been paying much attention to where he was going. That’s how he ended up crashing into someone and knocking the poor guy over.

“Shit! I didn’t see you there buddy, I’m sorry!”

He mumbled a bit before dropping to his knee and helped the guy gather his things. What a coincidence the poor guy’s bag had been open when this occurred. Dean assumed he had been searching for something in it just before the incident. That explains why he didn’t see Dean either.

“It’s fine, I’m okay.”

The male said this and for the love of pie, his voice was deeper than he expected.  Dean so did not shiver, no sir he didn’t.

“Here, let me help you.”

He took his books and put his bag over his shoulder before offering his free hand to help the other one up on his feet.

“Thank you.” The guy took his hand and finally looked up.

Dean almost dropped everything, including the gorgeous male in front of him.

 _Holy Shit!_ His heart nearly stopped when he saw the dark, ocean blue eyes in front of his. He felt paralyzed in his gaze. This guy was fucking beautiful.

Fuck. He did not just think that.

Castiel shifted uncomfortably. Yeah, Dean should probably say something instead of stare at him intensely.

 “Uh, well here you go. Your books and bag seem okay and you seem fine and… Uh.. Yeah, I should probably let go of your hand and go now.”

He should win a medal for sounding like a flustered 12 year old girl. Where was that smooth charm that apparently won so many hearts?

Now he could feel heat rushing to his cheeks. Really Dean? Make the situation even worse.

The guy raised his brow in question after Dean let go of his hand but didn’t say anything other than a thank you. He carefully took his things from Dean’s arms and walked off in the other direction.

Dean needed air, badly. What the actual fuck just happened?! His brain was filled with a string of curses. Maybe even in caps lock.

Okay. This was all because he had been an idiot and knocked him down. His racing heartbeat was due to the anger towards himself. What would his father say if he saw what just happened.

He slipped his hands on his face and let out a long breath, realizing that he had been standing in the same spot for the past 5 minutes.

Crap. Okay. Maybe he should think about this like a real man. Just deal with it, right.

He thought about how his heart had missed a beat, maybe two, at the sight of the other male. Dean hadn’t even asked for his name.

He knew he had caught himself checking some of the guys out before and hey, he enjoys the sight of anything hot, as long as it was human. That still didn’t mean anything, right? He just… Just liked to compliment beauty when he saw it.

But this was definitely a first, the whole heart rate thing and goddamn it, Dean had gone completely speechless. Dean Winchester had never been speechless before. Ever.

Fuck.

He had to talk to Garth.

He went back to their table, ignoring the questioning looks from those around him.

“Garth, do you have class after this?”

Dean loved how his friend knew something was up and was willing to go along with it.

“Uh, I guess I’m free after lunch.”

Dean nodded stiffly and bit as hard as he could into his poor sandwich. He tried to calm down, now that he was surrounded by his friends.

But he knew he just couldn’t. There was a pair of blue eyes mocking him. He knew he was acting like an idiot, this shouldn’t be such a big deal anyways.

“Dean, you wanna tell me what happened?”

Dean came back to reality at the sound of Garth’s voice. He hadn’t even realized that they were now alone.

“Garth, I have a huge problem and I need your help.”

Where the hell did that come from?! Why did he even say that!

Garth just kept staring at him before speaking up.

“Dean.. If what you need help with is homework then-“

“No! No, that’s not it Garth.”

“Then…”

“I… Uh…”

This was completely stupid. There was nothing wrong with liking guys too, right? It’s just that he didn’t like guys. He knew he didn’t. He had never imagined how it would be, kissing a guy, no matter how hot the guy was.

That was until now. Now, he couldn’t stop think about those full, pink lips and how they would taste, how they would feel if Dean were to bite at them.

Nope. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. Even if Dean got around the idea of being with a guy, why would someone as gorgeous as him want to be with Dean? He might not even like guys. Or worse, he might already be in a happy, loving relationship. He looked like the type so-

“Dean.”

Dean looked at Garth and decided to take action.

“I need you to help me find someone!”

Now Garth looked suspicious.

“Who?”

Dean scoffed.

“I don’t know his name, hence why I need your help tracking him down. All I can tell you is how he looks like.”

Okay, maybe suspicious was an understatement.

“Why do you need to find _him_? You usually go for girls? Unless you’ve-“

This is when Dean throws the plastic from his sandwich directly at his friend.

“No Garth, it’s not like that. This guy was someone I bumped into earlier and he dropped his pen.”

Garth narrowed his eyes. Garth knew he was lying but nodded nevertheless.

 

* A Song For You *

 

It had taken Garth more than two weeks to track down the guy and Dean would have forgotten about him if… Well, if it hadn’t been him.

Dean was trying to study for his quiz tomorrow and he was getting really frustrated with integrals. He would never get this crap anyways.

Of course that was when Garth basically gave him a heart attack by running into the room and screaming like the little girl he was.

“Dean! I’ve got it!”

Dean frowned for a brief moment before sitting up straight on his bed.

“Then who is he?”

He knew damn well that he sounded a bit too excited about a random guy he had bumped into less than a month ago but he really didn’t care. He had been going crazy for the last two weeks so sue him if he was a bit over happy.

“His name is Castiel Novak and he’s a senior in Pre-Med.”

He handed Dean a small piece of paper with the guy’s- no, Castiel’s number and watched as Dean stared at it.

What was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t just call the guy and say something like ‘hey, I’m the guy who knocked you over 2 and half weeks ago. I got my friend to track you down so that’s why I have your number. Wanna go have coffee?’

And he definitely couldn’t tell him he had his pen that didn’t exist.

Goddamn it. Why was this so hard for Dean, ladies’ man Dean fucking Winchester! He can be with any girl he liked with a snap of his fingers! What was so difficult about talking to this guy?

“Thanks Garth, I owe you one.”

He folded the piece of paper and put it inside his wallet. Right now, he had to deal with integrals. He groaned in frustration.

 

* A Song For You *

 

Another two weeks have passed since then and Dean has yet to call or text the mysterious, blue-eyed senior. Castiel, his name was Castiel. Dean had searched the name up and apparently, it was the name of the ‘Angel of Thursdays’. Ironic how they met on a Thursday, not that Dean had memorized the date or anything.

He was in the library one afternoon when the unexpected happened.

He was looking for a book in the history section that Sam recommended, saying that he was gonna love the book and how he should really give it a try. So here he was, searching through the endless amounts of books in the section when he heard a thud.

He thought he was just hearing things but when he heard a louder noise and then a gasp that followed, he knew something was up.

He frowned and decided to look into the source. He made his way around the corner of the aisle and froze, the air suddenly gone from his body.

Castiel got slammed into the shelves once more when Dean got there, his air forcefully knocked right out of his system. Somehow he was still able to speak though when he said very sharply to his attacker, “Leave me alone Uriel.”

His attacker, a dark-skinned male whose name is apparently Uriel, didn’t seem to take any consideration to his victim’s words. Dean had had his share of big guys beating the shit out of him, so he knew he could handle this guy very easily. Not just to protect Castiel, but also because he really didn’t tolerate bullying.

He took one step forward and cleared his throat.

“Hey. Let him go.”

Both males turned to face him, one looking very surprised and the other, very pissed.

“You should mind your own fucking business kid. Now leave before it’s too late.”

Dean smirked.

“Now _I_ suggest you leave Castiel alone and leave before I do something you’ll regret, buddy. And you _really_ don’t want to test me.”

He knew the cold stare he gave him plus the confidence and threat would do the trick.

Uriel grunted and let go of Castiel, making him fall on the ground in front of him. Uriel stepped away, still deciding whether to fight Dean or not. At last, he decided to just leave. Though not before a threat was placed over both of their heads.

“This is not over Castiel, or you for that matter.”

He glared at both of them before walking away. Castiel was glaring at him as he walked away and holy shit if it wasn’t scary. But it was a good scary.

Fuck. Dean was becoming such a girl.

He bent over and helped Castiel up along with his bag.

“Thank you for that but it was not necessary. I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I’m not some freshman who’d get constantly bullied. If I wanted to fight him, I would have done so.”

Dean smiled to himself. Pride, he always respected pride.

In reality though, he shrugged and shifted from one foot to the other.

“Well, I kinda owed it to you because of the other day. Plus, you looked like you didn’t want any trouble, so I don’t mind helping you out.”

He winked. That was his secret weapon, his charm, and it just had to work. All Gods above and beneath, please let this work!

Castiel just looked at him with one brow raised like before. Like he was clearly unimpressed.

“Well good for you then.”

Damn it.

Okay, Dean was so giving the middle finger to all those gods. That’s why he never prayed anyways.

He held his hand forward instead.

“I’m Dean. Dean Winchester.”

Castiel shook it politely but very firmly. Seriously, this guy was perfection wrapped in a human body.

“I’m Castiel but apparently you already know. I don’t remember giving you my name though.”

Dean knew he was probably looking a little flustered right now because he was feeling embarrassed. He really should have thought this one through.

“Uh… Well, I tried to find you after that day. We kinda got off on the wrong foot and I wanted to apologize for my behavior. Maybe even offer a cup of coffee.”

Dean brushed the back of his neck with his hand. Oh please let him say yes.

Castiel stared at him for a moment.

“All you did was bump into me, which if you didn’t realize it yet, I wasn’t watching where I was going either. I didn’t mind it though so there’s no need for you to apologize. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some studying to do.”

Dean felt hurt but Castiel didn’t seem to take notice. Dean looked away, slightly angered by his response.

“Oh yeah, sure. I’m sorry, what was I thinking. A senior wouldn’t have time for a cup of coffee with a sophomore who was just trying to be friendly. I get it.”

Now Castiel looked a bit hurt. Okay, maybe Dean was being a dick but you can’t blame him, he actually did want to be friends with the guy.

He turned on his heels and started walking back to his bag near the corner of this section. He then paused and threw a glance back at Castiel, frowning.

“I hope you’re pleased with yourself, Castiel.”

And then he was gone.

He didn’t understand. Where had he been wrong? Maybe Castiel was lying and he was still upset with Dean because of how weird he had acted when they’d first met.

“Whatever!” Dean muttered under his breath to himself before returning back to looking for that book, though with a little more force than necessary. He was so buried in his thoughts that he almost missed the noise from behind him.

Someone had cleared their throat.

Dean turned around and he was a little shocked to see Castiel in front of him, looking a bit shyer than a few minutes ago. Almost like a lost puppy. A lost puppy that almost kicked Dean’s ass for saving him.

“Dean, right?”

God fucking damn it. No one had ever missed Dean’s name before. Just why was this guy so special.

Dean gave himself a mental slap on the head. Just because Dean liked this guy, doesn’t mean that Castiel was into guys. Or more specifically, Dean.

He nodded once.

“Uh… Look, I’m sorry about that. You just caught me in a bad moment and…”

Castiel was blushing now and Dean immediately decided that the red on his cheeks complimented his perfect eyes more than ever before.

He just now had to play it cool.

He shrugged. “It’s fine. I shouldn’t have interfered in something that had nothing to do with me anyways.”

If Dean was talking formally, then he was still pretty hurt. Not everyone knew that though and he intended to keep it that way.

Castiel smiled apologetically.

“Well I’m glad you did anyhow. You were right, I didn’t want to make a scene. But mostly I didn’t want Uriel trying to kiss me either.”

Dean felt his breath catch in his throat for like the third time today. Did that sentence mean anything, Dean couldn’t say for sure.

“Well then, glad I could help.”

He turned his back to Castiel. What was he supposed to do now? Ask the guy out again? No fucking way is that happening again.

“I was hoping maybe you would… Still want to go out for that cup of coffee later.. But I should pay since I was rude to you and you were just trying to help. It’s just that I don’t have many friends around here and everyone seems to be into pranks that involve me so…”

Castiel suddenly stopped, as if he had said too much and Dean turned just in time to see the blush growing to his ears and neck.

He had finally found his book anyways, so maybe he could give this Castiel guy another chance.

“Okay, sounds good. Are we done here?”

Castiel nodded and quickly turned to go towards the exit with Dean following behind.

 

* A Song For You *

 

Dean thought the cafeteria would be good enough but apparently Castiel seemed to be a bit picky about his coffee. So he dragged Dean to a café near the campus.

The café was called ‘The Campus.’, which Dean thought was very stupid.

‘Whatever. Weird, nerdy guy and his weird, nerdy coffeehouse.’

Dean scooted behind one of the booths in the back of the house while Castiel sat right across from him.

Dean had ordered a ‘Cup of House Special’ hot chocolate and Castiel ordered his regular, a Café Au Lait.

“So… You’re really a senior?” Dean asked, in an attempt to break the silence.

Castiel nodded once.

“Huh, you don’t look like it. Honestly, you look like you’re my age.”

Castiel smiled and Dean’s heart flipped. Castiel has a great smile.

“Well, I’ve actually just turned 20. I just jumped two years during my junior high and high school. How old are you?”

Dean grinned. “20, but I’ve been 20 since the beginning of the year so I’m older than you. But I’m a sophomore in Mechanical Engineering.”

“Mechanical Engineering? Oh, I’m in Pre-Med.”

‘I know.’ Dean thought quietly.

The waitress came by and placed their drinks in front of them while Dean gave her a flirty smile.

Castiel looked at him with an eyebrow raised once the waitress left the table.

“What? I can’t help being charming.”

And holy shit, Castiel actually laughed at that. It sounded like bells to Dean.

Dean was not normally a sappy kind of person. He didn’t really believe in love at first sight either. He just felt really connected to this guy and it felt nice to be around him, even if it hasn’t even been an hour since they officially talked.

They continued to talk about their courses and majors.

Dean found out that Castiel didn’t have a roommate and that Uriel was his cousin. He had always given Castiel a hard time because apparently he wasn’t into girls.

Dean felt a small hope in him when he heard that.

Castiel smiled at him.

“I find your enthusiasm very adorable Dean, but you don’t seem like the type.”

Dean frowned in confusion, taking a sip from his drink.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you look very straight to me.”

Dean nearly choked on his drink. Okay, that was a little too forward, wasn’t it?

Dean leaned back and placed his arms behind his head.

“Well Cas, I don’t really know what’s the deal with you, but I am very attracted towards you.”

Dean didn’t know what made Castiel blush, the newly invented nickname or the compliment.

“Dean, I don’t think it’s such a good idea. This is my last year here and you still have 2 more years to follow. I don’t like starting something that I can’t finish.”

He looked somewhat troubled at the thought.

Dean did the only thing he could do, he placed his hand over Castiel’s on the table.

“Hey Cas, look. I’ve never felt this way towards anyone. Not this fast. And I just want to get to know you, learn everything there is about you. So come on, give us a chance. I’m not a sappy, cheesy guy like how I’m acting right now. Hell, I’ve never even kissed a guy before, but I do want to try this with you. It feels…. Right.”

Okay, he should really stop. He was starting to sound pathetic here.

Castiel looked at him and narrowed his eyes.

“Alright Dean. But if you hurt me, I will get back at you.”

It took Dean several seconds to realize he was joking.

“I won’t, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.”

Castiel shook his head in disbelief.

They finished their drinks and, despite Castiel’s endless protests, Dean paid for the both of them and they got out of the now crowded place.

“Is it okay if I walked you to your dorm?”

Dean was not blushing right now and that is not why Castiel is chuckling either.

“Okay Dean. You may walk me back.”

They walked in silence but it was a good silence, relaxing even.

“Are you free on Saturday? There’s a party if you’re interested.”

Castiel looked at him with an amused expression.

“Dean, do I look like the type to go to parties.”

“No, but you also don’t look like a senior in college but yet here you are.”

Castiel chuckled and Dean rubbed the back of his neck.

“It’s gonna be fun though. There aren’t many people, mostly my friends. Whom are nice people too, I promise.”

He grinned a very boyish grin, just like a little kid.

Castiel was now laughing and raised his hands in the air, surrendering.

“Okay okay, fine. I’ll go with you.”

They had finally reached Castiel’s room but Dean didn’t want to go. Not now.

He stepped closer to Castiel and took one of his hands.

“I’m gonna text you where it’ll be then.”

“You’re gonna need my number for that Dean.”

Dean grinned and stepped a little closer so they were about an inch apart.

“And how exactly, Dean Winchester, do you have my number.”

Castiel was now whispering oh-so tenderly, his eyes were fixed on Dean’s lips.

This guy knew exactly what he was doing to Dean. And Dean definitely liked it.

“Like I said, I wanted to ask you out for a cup of coffee.”

“But you never called.”

Dean placed his hand on Castiel’s lower back and leaned closer, his lips so close to Cas’.

“I was waiting for the right time.”

“I’m sure you were Dean.”

And with that remark, Castiel shoved Dean aside and smirked.

“You think it’ll be that easy to get a kiss from me?”

Before Dean could process what had happened, Castiel was opening the door to his room and walking inside.

“Text me.” He winked and then shut the door closed, leaving a startled Dean behind it.

He really did like this guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuki | I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please Kudos and Review! We’d love to hear your opinions!
> 
> Mida | Hope you guys are happy with the young Cas. i always loved the badass strong version much better. makes it all the better when he falls for Dean. :D My fella Yuki reminded me to mention this one thing. So Uriel, he bullies Cas for being gay, and he tries to kiss Cas and hurt him while doing so, so Cas stops being gay. as weird as that sounds i have seen it happen in real life so... yeah people CAN get that stupid. poor Cas. you can also think that Uriel has a crush on Cas but Cas doesn't like him back so this is how he's getting back at him. hope this helped you understand Uriel's situation. Don't forget Kudos and Reviews.


	5. Not today…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean Winchester is one of the most successful male Singer/song-writers in America and when he has problems with his heart condition during a concert, Pamela, his agent is determined to get him the best heart surgeon in the state. but Dean makes it clear that he wont have the guy near him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida | Ok guys, so here is chapter 5. i hope it's not too much. Enjoy :)
> 
> Yuki | I apologize for my horrible track of time. I’m a huge disappointment as a Beta. ;m; I don’t understand how I got myself sick AGAIN and ended up having to finish 10 extra pages of editing in one sitting. -Sighs- I really am sorry again guys. But hey, 21 pages in less than 2 weeks! That’s rare, ahaha. c:
> 
>  
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter created mostly by Mida.  
> Disclaimer | We do not own Supernatural nor its characters and the plot is owned by Mida_Malek.

**Late at Night – 2am – September 18th, 2005**

 

Castiel sighed. He was currently taking a steaming shower and attempting to calm his nerves. He felt really stupid. He was smarter than to drink himself stupid. Or at least, he used to be..

He hated Dean Winchester. And Balthazar for making him go to that stupid party.

He leaned against the shower wall, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He touched his lips, remembering what had happened just a little over an hour ago. He hated how much he cared for Dean, how much he missed him. He hated himself for still wanting the beautiful man that broke him. For wanting those apple green eyes to stare at him with adoration, for those powerful hands to hold onto him tightly, for those full lips to mark his body…

He cursed under his breath and punched the wall in front of him. He let the tears flow down and disappear within the hot water. He had lost track of time after that, crying in the shower with his back against the cold wall.

He heard his phone ringing after a while, it was the hospital’s ringtone. Shit.

He wrapped a towel around his waist and got out of the now lukewarm water, quickly answering the phone before it went to voicemail.

“….What?! I’ll be there right away!”

In less than 10 minutes, he got dressed in record time and was running into the hospital.

\- Break –

“Doctor Novak! Oh thank God you’re here! We have an emergency and he’s in very bad condition. He’ll be here in a few minutes.”

Castiel looked at his distressed nurse.

“Where is the shift doctor Tessa?”

Tessa shook her head. “We can’t find him.”

Castiel just nodded and got ready for his patient.

They’d brought the patient in as he got ready and were calling for him when he got to the ER.

He just didn’t expect _him_ to be on the bed, cold and nearly dead.

“What the hell!?” He muttered, frozen on the spot as he glanced at Dean with horror.

He couldn’t process the image that his eyes were sending to his brain.

“What is this? Some kind of prank?!”

Tessa, though confused by her doctor’s statement, continued injecting medicine into Dean’s greyish skin. This… Wasn’t a joke then... He looked at the once pink lips, they were quickly turning purple.

 _Losing Oxygen, fast_.

“Doctor, we’re losing him!”

Tessa’s worried voice brought him back to the present.

He took a sharp breath. He had to do something!

“Fuck.” He muttered under his breath.

“Castiel!” Tessa cried out his name.

He switched his brain to auto so he didn’t think about the fact that the guy lying there was the man he loved.

_Lose Focus. Lose Control…. Lose Him..._

He started taking control over the situation and asked for what he needed. He knew the signs.

Purple lips, heartbeat dropping fast, slightly shaking body.

Dean has been _poisoned_.

“10 ml of Anti Aconite*. Now!”

He felt Tessa stare at him in horror before rushing to get the medicine.

“He’s still dropping!” Another nurse called from the monitor and Castiel cursed.

God fucking damn it, he knew they were losing Dean. He wasn’t dumb!

_Biiiiiiiiiib._

No! This was NOT happening to him! He won’t allow Dean to leave him like this.

“Adrenaline, charge on 100!”

_Biiiiiiiiiib._

“Inject more adrenaline and charge again!”

‘Come on’ he thought desperately.

_Biiiiiiiiiib._

He felt sick. He wanted to run away. But Dean needed him.

He felt the tears push at the back of his eyes but he kept them at bay.

Tessa gave him the syringe and Castiel injected all of it.

“Charge on 300.”

‘Dear God, please let him live. Don’t let him die… Please.’ He was praying and hoping that somebody, anybody, would listen to his plea.

_Biiiiiiiiiib._

This was his fucking birthday for crying out loud! Why is this happening to him!

“360. Charge on 360!”

Tessa looked at him, afraid and worried.

“Doctor are you sure?! That might-”

“Yes Tessa, just charge the damn thing!” It was now or never.

“Clear!” There was a moment of silence and he knew it was ov-

_Bib. Bib. Bib. Bib._

Castiel nearly dropped. He swore he had never heard a better sound in his life.

He had everything under control now. Dean was breathing slowly but he was definitely alive.

Castiel wiped away the stray tears that fell as he watched the nurses transfer Dean to a different room. He was okay…

“Castiel! What happened? Is he ok?”

Castiel turned to face his pale older brother.

“Michael…. What are you doing here?”

Castiel rather hoped his voice didn’t sound like he was straining to cry again.

“I’m the one who found him. I went down to take a walk and found him in his car. He wasn’t breathing normally and wouldn’t wake up so I called 911 and…”

Michael sounded in panic and Castiel nodded in understanding.

“Well he’s okay now. I think he’ll wake up in an hour or so. I can’t tell you what was wrong since we don’t know how he got the poison in him…”

“Poison?”

“Yes, he was poisoned. Now, I’m sorry but I must find Sam.”

He brushed past his worried brother and was happy when a nurse came up to him and said they had called Dean’s brother and his agent.

“Please call the police too. I believe this was a possible murder attempt.”

He whispered this to her and made sure the nurse won’t run her mouth about this.

He needed air.

Even before he took a step outside, there were flashes of light and noise hitting him.

Who the fuck called the press!? This was completely stupid. He turned back towards the hospital and told the nearest nurse that no one is allowed to find out where Dean was until his family was here.

He walked past the ER room to find that Michael was standing in the same spot as before.

“Michael.” Michael jumped at Cas’ voice. “Go back to your hotel. Please.”

“Won’t the police want to talk to me?”

“They’ll probably talk to you later. Please Michael...”

Michael was usually more strong headed than this but when he got worried over someone, he became vulnerable and Castiel couldn’t deal with that right now.

He went to the cafeteria to get some coffee. He felt like his head was about to explode.

He stared down at his coffee and leaned back in his chair, patiently waiting for Sam or Pamela to show up. He couldn’t understand why anyone would do this to Dean in the first place…

He tried not to think about how close Dean had been to death. Hell, he had practically died for 2 whole minutes. 120 seconds of torture it had been for Castiel.

“C-Cas?”

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Sam’s panicked voice.

“Sam.”

He noticed the woman standing behind him.

“Ah, you must be Dean’s agent.”

The women nodded. “Pamela.”

“Castiel. Now please, both of you, follow me to my office. We need to talk in private.”

They walked for a bit outside of the cafeteria before someone, Sam obviously, spoke up.

“Cas, where is he? Is he okay?”

It pained Castiel a bit that Sam was using the nickname Dean gave him, but now wasn’t the time for this.

“He’s fine Sam. We lost him for a couple of minutes but me and the nurses brought him back and he’s okay now, just resting.”

Castiel opened the door to his room and all three of them walked in.

“Please take a seat.” He sat on his own chair in front of two empty ones.

“Cas... What happened to him? He was okay before he left with...”

Sam suddenly closed his mouth, looking as though he might have said something wrong.

“He wasn’t with Michael at the time.” He assured Sam.

“Sam… Dean was poisoned.”

Castiel watched as the color drained from Sam’s face and Pamela looked furious.

“He was what?!”

“Poisoned, Sam. And by a very rare poison as well. It’s called Aconite. It comes from the plant called Monkshood. It leaves only one post-mortem sign, that of asphyxia, as it causes arrhythmic heart function which leads to suffocation. I didn’t know you could even find those in America. The heartbeat drops till…”

He trailed off. He didn’t want to say anything further.

There was a moment of silence before someone spoke.

“H-How…” Sam asked, his worry showing greatly, even though he tried to hide it.

“I don’t know, that’s not my job to find out Sam.” His eyes shifted to Pamela.

“I don’t know who called the press but I told the staff not to talk to anyone about him. And I also called the police. They should be here by now to clear them out and find out what happened to him.”

Pamela looked grateful. “Thank you.”

Castiel nodded and stood up.

“I’m going to check on him. You may see him when he awakes in an hour or so.”

They stepped out of his office and Castiel wasn’t surprised to see agents waiting for him.

“Doctor Novak?”

Castiel nodded.

“Tell us what has happened here sir.”

“I will be more than happy to do so, but first I must check on my patient. He’s still in a dangerous state. Steady but still at a possible risk.”

The two agents nodded and Castiel walked to Dean’s new room.

He hated seeing Dean in the hospital bed, hated not being able to see those green eyes.

He checked his status as fast as he could and quickly left the room.

He hated seeing Dean like this.

Sam and Pamela were waiting outside of the room, along with Sam’s fiancé.

He told them that they could see Dean even though he was still unconscious.

He gave the police all that he knew and told them he would help as much as he could. He wanted to know who had tried to kill Dean.

He hated how much he still cared..

 

* A Song For You *

 

_Dean took Castiel’s hand._

_They were back at the lobby. He knew they couldn’t be but they were and he didn’t really care. He had another chance and he wasn’t about to let Cas go. Not again._

_“Cas… Please don’t go..”_

_Castiel turned to him._

_“You broke my heart Dean. You shattered me.”_

_“I know and I’m sorry Cas… I had never meant to hurt you.. I thought I was doing what was best for you.”_

_Castiel looked at him with so much hurt that it made Dean feel like he was being stabbed._

_“Cas, please… Give me another chance… I’ll make it up to you, I swear!”_

_Cas thought about his words very carefully, Dean could feel it._

_“You had a chance already Dean. I didn’t want to be with you in the first place. You dragged me into that relationship… You made me fall in love with you… And then you left me. How am I supposed to trust you now?”_

_Dean felt his heart sink._

_“Cas… Just give me another chance… I’ll prove it to you… Just please don’t leave me baby… I can’t live like this… I don’t want to live like this… Not again… Please Cas…”_

_Castiel was giving in, Dean could tell by the way he was slowly leaning towards him._

_“Dean… I can’t lose you again. It was too hard getting over you the first time.. I won’t do it again… I can’t do it again...”_

_“You won’t have to Cas… I’ll leave everything for you… I’ll never leave you… I couldn’t possibly…”_

_Cas gave in at this point and their lips slowly touched._

“Dean?”

_And that was when Dean was pulled out from his dream._

Dean slowly opened his eyes, though had to blink a few times to adjust to the horribly white room.

Where was he? He didn’t ever remember getting out of the car.

Everything was so blurry, he couldn’t tell what was going on.

“Sammy? Where am I… What’s goin’ on? Why did you wake me up?”

He heard a sigh of relief and felt the bed below him dip, as though someone was sitting by his side.

“You’re in the hospital Dean… I woke you up because you were calling out Cas’ name in a very disturbing way and he might come in at any moment so I thought to save you from embarrassment for once.”

Dean felt irritated towards his brother, even if he was trying to help him.. Wait, Cas-

“What? Why would he come in? Why am I here again!?”

Even if Dean couldn’t completely see him, he knew Sam was giving him his signature bitch-face look.

“Because you’re an idiot. And for being an idiot, you were poisoned.”

Dean was pretty sure he was having some major hearing problems as well. He could have sworn Sam had just stated he was poisoned, but that couldn’t have been what Sam had said… He couldn’t have been poisoned… Right?

“Oh really?” He asked. He had his ‘What the every living fuck are you even talking about’ face on full mode right now.

“We don’t know who did it… But you were poisoned a few hours ago and it had been really bad. If it wasn’t for Cas…” Sam trailed off and Dean felt himself choking on air.

Castiel had saved him?! Just fucking GREAT! Now he owed his life to his ex!

“What happened to be exact?” He asked, skipping the subject on Cas.

“I don’t know… According to Michael, you had left his room around midnight. Castiel said he met you in the lobby for a few minutes, then he had gone and no one had seen you afterwards. Well, till around two when Michael couldn’t sleep and was going to go for a walk when he found you in your car, half-dead to be precise!”

Dean felt a headache pushing at the edges of his brain. He really didn’t want to think about Cas and what had happened last night and his head was agreeing to that statement.

The door opened and Castiel walked in, hesitating at first when he saw that Dean had awoken but proceeded anyways.

“Hello Dean, I see that you’re awake. Took you long enough though. We expected you to be up and responsive an hour ago.”

Okay, What the hell. Now he’s gonna act like nothing had even happened?! Dean couldn’t understand why he felt disappointed. This is what he had always done, pretended like nothing had happened, so why was he feeling so hurt right now? Hell, he was the one who had pushed Cas away. Again.

Fuck.

“Hey doc.” Dean said, deciding to play along with his game. “What happened to me?”

Castiel looked at Sam for a moment before he told Dean about the poison.

“We tested your blood and some of your urine to make sure we were correct and unfortunately we were. The poison is very rare, specifically here in America. We know it wasn’t in the food or the drink from last night’s event. This poison works within minutes and starts decreasing the victim’s heartbeat till it completely stops. That process takes two hours tops so if anything, we know you were poisoned after you got in your car.”

Dean started remembering the later memories of last night. He had been hitting his head against the steering wheel of his car and was fairly certain he had been bleeding.

He touched his forehead and felt the little stitches there.

“Dean, tell us what happened. Did anyone attack you last night?” Sam asked, very concerned.

Dean looked at Castiel then to his hands on his lap.

“No… I… Uh… I think I know how it happened though.” Dean murmured.

Castiel frowned and Sam’s eyes opened a little wider than before.

“Talk Dean.”

“Last night.. When I got into the car, I banged my head against the wheel a little harder than necessary…” He was ashamed of his childish behavior and now realized how stupid it really was to have done so. If the poison wasn’t going to kill him, Sam sure was.

“You WHAT!?!?” Sam was beyond furious.

“I know okay! Stupid right? Well news flash Sasquatch, I’m stupid!”

“Shut up Dean. Do you understand how idiotic that was?! Gosh I could just kill you right now!”

“Excuse me…” Castiel cleared his throat and both Winchesters stopped.

“What?” Both the brothers replied.

“I still don’t understand how you could have gotten poisoned from that incident.. Yes, you were very stupid Dean and nearly broke your skull but how did it… Oh...”

Judging by the way his eyes grew wide with horror and the small gasp that escaped him, he figured out this murder mystery. Unfortunately, Sam was still completely lost, possibly due to not knowing anything about the poison and how it could have gotten to Dean.

“What?” Sam looked annoyed.

“The poison… The poison had been on the steering wheel of the car Sam. I don’t think they had planned it to end this bloody but it was definitely the wheel. Probably just for him to touch it was all they expected. The poison infects its victims through the skin.” Castiel explained.

“But… Who would even…?” Castiel began before catching the glare Dean threw at Sam when he opened his mouth to speak.

“What? What did I miss?” Castiel asked, looking confused at the glance.

“Nothing.”

Cas frowned.

“You… You know who did this to you... Don’t you?” He asked.

Dean shrugged.

Another silence settled for a few short moments before Castiel broke it.

“I think you should go talk to the FBI agents about it then.. They got here an hour ago…”

“No Cas. Don’t tell anyone about this. Please…”

Castiel looked lost while Sam on the other hand, looked beyond pissed.

“Dean, what the hell! You know they’re not gonna stop till they get what they want, which is you 6 feet under the ground if you didn’t realize it! This has gone on for too long. Pamela almost had a heart attack right now because of this!”

“Sam!” Dean was using his older brother voice.

At this point, even Cas was getting pissed off at Dean.

Dean sighed and dropped his head in his hands.

“Look, it doesn’t matter okay. I’m not gonna run to the police about this and I hope you guys don’t do so either. I can deal with this myself, I can take care of myself.”

“No you can’t Dean, stop lying already.” Pamela’s voice surprised everyone in the room. Pam arrived just as the argument began and was already irritated by Dean’s response towards it.

“Pam… I-“

“Save it, you’re already a living example of why you can’t take care of yourself. So you listen to me, Dean Winchester. You either let me take care of this situation like it should be or I’ll quit. Right here, right now.”

Dean looked up towards her and frowned.

“You’re not gonna quit Pam. I know you, you wouldn’t do that to me. And I’m also not gonna let you tell on those idiots. They haven’t killed me ye-”

Castiel interrupted Dean. “I’m sorry to inform you but they did attempt and nearly succeeded in killing you. You were dead for a whole 2 minutes last night and we nearly lost you completely! So I suggest you let them help.”

Cas was finally getting on Dean’s last nerve.

“Yeah? Well, nobody asked you for your opinion Doc! I am more than capable of taking care of myself. Now, all of you get out. I want to sleep.” Dean snapped.

Castiel looked hurt for a brief second and Dean felt his heart crack when he put up a mask and excused himself to return to his other patients.

Sam was also very close to punching Dean in the face.

“Dean. What the HELL is your problem! Why are you pushing him away again! He forgave you and he didn’t even sleep until he made sure you were going to be okay!... Why are you still trying to hurt him...?”

Dean closed his eyes and sighed. He felt tears prick at his eyes but he managed to push them away.

“Sammy… Please just… Just stop okay?”

Sam looked at Pamela with desperation and he only realized that this really wasn’t the best time to discuss about Cas. Pamela walked closer to him and crossed her arms.

“Dean. I am not backing away from this. You are going to have bodyguards escorting you from now on. I will also be getting you real security and your house will be under full protection. I’m not risking your life anymore.”

“But Pam-“

“No Dean! I won’t have any more of your shit, you understand me! Those Demons are taking this too far. If you don’t want to press charges, it’s fine by me, but I will NOT leave you out in the open for another attack to strike.”

Dean breathed out slowly.

Jessica, the angel she was, chose that moment to come in with some food from the cafeteria. Some salad for Sam and some canned fruit for Dean.

“Hello Dean, good to see you up again.” She grinned joyfully and kissed Sam on his cheek.

“Sammy here almost peed his pants at the thought of losing you… I suggest you don’t let that happen again.”

Dean looked at both his brother and his brother’s fiancé and felt immensely guilty for ruining their engagement night.

“Guys.. I’m so sorry for ruining your night. I… I really didn’t want this to happen…” He didn’t know why he was being so honest now but he felt tired and just wanted to stop the arguing.

He looked up at Pam and nodded hesitantly. “Fine.. You can get the damn security.”

He wasn’t gonna let Sam worry over Dean, not when he had a wedding to plan.

 

 

* A Song For You *

Dean was still lying in the uncomfortable hospital bed when his phone rang on the table next to him.

“Hey Sammy.” He greeted the younger Winchester.

“Hey Dean. So Jess and I arrived home and we’re gonna get some rest. I still think you should have let me stayed with you at the hospital though…”

“Sam, please don’t start this again, okay? This is important for you. Your whole future is on the line here, remember? I’ll be fine and I don’t need a babysitter. Pam and Lisa are still here so… You just focus on kicking some ass tomorrow… Okay?”

Dean could imagine Sam rolling his eyes on the other end of the line.

“Yeah Dean. You just be careful okay? And don’t forget to call me every night because if you don’t-“

“Yeah, yeah. You will drive over here to make sure I’m alive, only for you to kill me because I didn’t follow your rules. I know Sammy, sheesh. When did you become mom?”

“That’s not even remotely funny Dean.” There was a bit of shuffling in the background. “Okay, Jess is becoming scary again. I should go.” An audible smack was heard and an ‘Ow!’ followed afterwards.

Dean chuckled and let Sam say goodbye without any comment on the statement. He really wasn’t in the mood to anyways. He was trying his hardest NOT to think about his doctor/ex.

The door opened hesitantly and in walked Castiel.

“Speaking of the devil.” Dean muttered under his breath.

“I’m sorry?” Castiel questioned. Dean just shrugged dismissively and looked away.

“Nothing, just talking to myself.”

Great. The all mighty Dean Winchester was now talking to himself. Dean felt pity towards himself.

“Okay… How are you?”

Dean shrugged again, still not looking at him.

“I don’t know. You’re the doctor, you tell me.”

Castiel didn’t even so much as blink at the sarcasm and Dean felt the need to just scream at him for that.

Castiel checked his status and wrote down some notes.

“You seem to be alright. I believe you can leave tomorrow morning if things continue well.”

Dean thought he heard a bit of disappointment in Cas’ voice but he was sure it was just his imagination.

Castiel was now listening to his heartbeat and he frowned after a few moments.

“Can you lean forward so I can get your heartbeat from your back?”

Dean didn’t like the confusion in Castiel’s voice but he leaned forward anyways. The cool metal made him shiver. It was just the cold metal that made him shiver, not Cas’ fingertips, Dean swears.

“Okay. Scratch that, I need to do some tests on you Dean. Your heart condition is a little… Well, I have to do some tests to figure this out. Is that okay with you? I can ask for a different doctor if you want me to.”

He tried to avoid Dean’s eyes and Dean would have noticed if he hadn’t been doing the same thing.

“Um… No, it’s cool I guess… If you’re okay with it I mean…”

Castiel shrugged before turning around and walking towards the door.

“Hey… How long do I have to stay now?”

Castiel turned to face him with a frown. “Probably a week or so… Just until we get the tests done and the results back.”

Dean nodded. “Then can you call Lis and tell her to bring my guitar here? Is that even allowed or..”

Castiel almost smiled.

“Yeah, I told them to give you one of the V.I.P. rooms so that you can work on your music if you needed too… And you can call her yourself Dean. I know you’re using your phone. You can’t lie to me…” Castiel trailed off, his voice close to a whisper towards the end, as though he had decided he didn’t want to say those words a bit too late.

And Dean knew exactly why.

“Okay then. I’ll call her myself. Thank you.” He gave a slight bow with his head and Castiel just gave him a small nod before disappearing behind the doors.

Dean let out a sigh he didn’t know he held and leaned back against his pillow.

He really wished Michael hadn’t found him that night. He didn’t want to live anymore. He didn’t want to be _hurt_ anymore.

He tried to think of anything else but Castiel. He needed Cherry, his guitar, right now.

He didn’t know when he began drifting off into an uneasy dream, but he did.

 

* A Song For You *

 

Dean woke up to tiny hands shaking his shoulders.

_Ben._

“Dean! Deaaaaaaan! Wake up! I wanna play.”

Dean groaned and opened one eye.

“Hey look at that… Ben is here.” He grinned widely and opened his other eye, pushing to sit up and held the little boy tightly, dragging him on his own lap.

“I’ve missed you little buddy. How’ve you been?”

He looked up at Lisa who was sitting in a chair near the bed and gave her a small smile. “Hey Lis.”

Lisa smiled back.

“I wanted to drop Cherry off myself but Ben was dying to see you so… I hope you don’t mind the extra company.”

Dean grinned wider.

“I never mind Benny here. Now, hand me my guitar!”

He made a grabbing motion with his hands when Lisa handed it over. He felt the smooth texture of his beloved guitar before rearranging it so that he could hold it without hurting Ben.

“I might be onto something here Lis. I hope you like it when I finally get it down on paper.”

Lisa smiled with joy.

“I’m sure I’ll like it Dean. If _you_ like your song, then everyone will like it as well.”

Dean tried to keep hold of his smile, he really did, but he just couldn’t.

‘Not everyone will like it.’ He thought bitterly.

He hated how Cas was still his muse.

He sighed and set his guitar down on the other side of the bed.

He ended up spending almost an hour playing with Ben before Lisa got up to leave.

“Come on Ben, we should get going and let Dean get some rest.”

“But mom! I wanna stay.”

Dean smiled at him and turned to Lisa. “Do you have to take him with you? I quite enjoy his company.”

Lisa looked a bit surprised, though she really should understand that Dean loves Ben as though he was his own. “Well, I have some shopping I need to get done as well as checking on your house and picking up the mail…”

“Then Ben can stay here while you do that, can’t you Ben?”

Ben nodded eagerly and turned his pleading gaze towards his mother.

“Mommy pleeeeease?”

Lisa chuckles a bit. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?”

Dean gave her a fake gasp and rolled his eyes.

“It’s not the first time I stayed with Ben without you around Lis.”

“It’s the first time in a hospital where you’re currently injured in.”

Dean gave a slight chuckle and a reassuring nod.

“We’ll be fine Lis.”

She sighed with disbelief.

“Fine. But don’t drive him crazy, okay Ben? He needs to save his energy.”

“Okay mom, I promise.”

She ruffled his hair and nodded at Dean before heading out,

Dean really enjoyed the kid’s company. He didn’t accuse him of anything and he was a lot of fun. They could play for hours and he wouldn’t ever grow bored.

Dean was so lost in the current game he and Ben were playing that he didn’t notice someone looking over at him.

Castiel had come in to check on him when he found the patient playing with a younger child. He couldn’t help but stand there and just watch the two interact with one another.

He missed Dean, he hated to admit, and he still wanted to be his. He loved Balthazar, he really did, but he just wasn’t _Dean_.

But now, he wondered who the other boy was. He acted quite like Dean and he wondered if…

He knocked on the open door and slowly walked in.

“Hello Dean. I need to check your blood pressure and heartbeat again before we take you for-“

“Cas! Dude, you nearly gave me a heart attack! ” Dean looked at the boy then back at him.

“Cas, this is Ben. My… Uh, Lisa’s son. Lisa is my-“

“I know who she is Dean. Very nice to meet you Ben.” Castiel smiled at the little boy and didn’t miss how Dean was about to say ‘my son’. He wondered if this was the reason why Dean had left.

‘Had Dean been cheating on him the whole time?’ The boy looked about 6 so it would have been during the time they were together had he been… erm, made.

His smile had turned plastic and he suddenly felt sick. It was one thing to get over your ex-boyfriend for leaving you all those years ago, but it was another to have been cheated on all those years ago without knowledge of it until now. One Cas had never considered Dean would have done.

“I can see that you’re busy… I’ll come back later… Probably…” He muttered, looking down and backing out of the room.

Dean just stared at the shut door. What did he do this time? He smiled when Ben tugged on his sleeve, looking at him with wide eyes.

“Don’t mind him Ben, he’s a crazy doctor. But what can I do? He’s apparently the best.” He grinned, though it was slightly fake as well, and Ben chuckled beside him.

Dean was itching to get this song out of his system and was almost glad when Lisa picked Ben up.

 

* A Song For You *

 

He tried not to notice how Cas didn’t check up on him as much as he should be, or even when he did check up on him, he was far too quiet and didn’t smile like he used too.

It was strictly professional and he hated it.

Dean had no idea why Cas was acting like this. He figured he could ask the guy but when his decision was put to the test, he realized he couldn’t do it.

Castiel was reading the results from one of his tests and he didn’t look all that pleased.

“Hey Doc, what’s up?” Dean tried to also ignore the fact that he made another nickname for Cas.

Castiel turned his eyes to him warily.

“It seems like your heart isn’t as healthy as it should be Dean. Unfortunately, both the poison and the shock we gave your heart to bring you back has caused some muscle problems as well. We need to bring Sam and Pamela here so we can discuss your treatment.”

Dean frowned, taking in the new information.

“Why would I need them to be here for the treatment? You and I can decide that, can’t we?”

Castiel shook his head. “No Dean. I believe you don’t care enough about yourself to make the right decisions and I need Sam to do it for you.”

“And what would that decision be?”

“Surgery.” Dean felt a shiver run down his spine. “You can keep it going with pills and medication for the long run but in the end, it’s gonna fail you and you’ll be needing surgery. So the sooner you get it done, the better.”

Dean shook his head forcefully and Dean wasn’t really surprised.

“No way dude. I’m not gonna let anyone touch my heart.”

Both Dean and Castiel felt there was a double meaning in that sentence but they ignored it. This was professional after all.

“Dean please… Just… Just call Sam, okay?”

Dean glared at the younger man in front of him but he knew he couldn’t keep it up for long.

“Fine…”

And with that remark, Castiel left the room, leaving Dean to his thoughts. He needed to talk to Sam about this anyways.

So when he did eventually call him, he told Dean that he was coming over as soon as he can land a plane ticket. He was also happy to tell Dean that his interview had gone great and he would most likely get that scholarship (Jessica’s words, not Sam’s). Dean felt his heart beat with pride and love. He didn’t understand what Cas was going on about, his heart seemed to be working just fine right now.

‘Stupid, weird doctor crap.’ He guessed.

 

* A Song For You *

 

“Dean please. This is completely stupid. I don’t understand why you’re acting like this!”

“Sam, you really don’t want to know okay! I said no and I mean it!”

“Yes Dean, I honestly want to know!”

Dean looked down at his hands. Why couldn’t Sam just leave it? He tried to push the blurry memory of his father telling him to ‘shut his mouth and stop making so much noise’. A Winchester never cries.

His dad. He still felt so guilty about his death, maybe if he had been there a lot sooner…

“Sam, for the last time. I’m not going to let anyone open up my body and do stuff! I’m telling you, I just won’t allow it!”

“Dean, just give me one good reason and I will leave you alone. I promise!”

“You want to know why!”

“Yes!”

Here goes nothing.

“Because that’s what got dad killed! Okay Sam! Are you satisfied now?!”

Dean wished he could just walk out of the room right now but he couldn’t so now he was just left there with a gapping Sam.

Sam stared at him like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, which was probably true. Dean never talked about their father and his death.

“W-What’s that supposed to mean? Dean…”

Dean sighed and cursed under his breath.

“Fuck Sam… He… He had some liver problems and the doctors had changed his liver but it didn’t work out and… And that’s how he got killed. Those stupid idiots who called themselves doctors… They were supposed to save him, heal him… But they got him killed. Now, if you think there’s a tiny chance that I’m gonna let anyone do the same thing to me, you’re dead wrong. I couldn’t possibly leave you alone if something happened to me Sammy…”

Sam was trying his hardest to get passed this. They could get back to talking about their father later, when Dean didn’t have a serious heart condition. Well, mostly serious.

He needed to knock some sense into his brother, not the other way around.

“Dean… This entire situation is different.. And Cas is gonna-“

“No Sam. Don’t you get it! I don’t want anyone to touch me, my heart. Especially not Cas… Not again..”

It didn’t surprise Dean how Cas had chosen that exact moment to walk into the room. He certainly didn’t miss the very heartbroken look on his ex’s face and immediately hated himself even more for that.

Cas wiped the look off his face in record time though and put up a mask again.

“Guess that’s final then. I’ll give Sam your medication and then you may leave. I hope to never see you again Dean. Especially not here..”

And with that, Castiel was gone.

Dean ignored the knives in his gut and nearly cried out when he realized that he had finally pushed Cas away.

For good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuki | I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please Kudos and Review! We’d love to hear your opinions!
> 
> Mida | Ok so first of all thanks so much for reading. The story is gonna move faster from now on. we're gonna have time jumps and stuff.  
> About Aconite, you should all know that i have NO knowledge about poisons or poisoning. And i just googled and spent 2 hours to find and choose this poison because it was what i wanted. BUT i don't know if there is any antidote for it. AND also I am studying Electrical engineering and all i know from hearts and how they work and being a Dr is mostly through my JH studies, movies and series and some googling, again!:D so if please don't hesitate to tell me if i got anything wrong. :) thanks again fro reading. don't forget to give us reviews and qudos.


	6. Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida | OH MY GOD I'm so sorry it's been like 3 weeks and we had this chapter ready like 3 weeks ago but we were just so busy with life and stuff. i am terribly sorry for keeping y'all waiting! hopefully i'm gonna be back on my track with the story and my dear Yuki would get some more free time in the future too. AND i have to be honest i've been dealing with some shitty writer's block and i really didn't know how to get this to where i wanna take it. you know? and it's mostly because of the show and all the Sam and Dean feels they're dropping on us. i kinda stopped thinking about Destiel and was paying so much attention to Dean and Sam's relationship so the chapter 7 i originally wrote makes me feel weird cause it's more Wincest than Destiel! so yeah i decided i'd give myself a little time to get back to my Destiel mood and hopefully now i can get this story on the track again. and i have an announcement for y'all! i decided to make this a series of works most probably involving 3 parts. And my beautiful Yuki said she agreed so yeah...:D  
> Yuki | Okay guys! Slight change of plans. We are done with the Weekly Updates since we really can’t keep track of this story along with our everyday lives. –ducks from tomatoes that’s are evidently being pelted at up- So we will be updating as much as we can, when we can. I hope you all understand and enjoy!
> 
> Also, please understand that we are truly sorry for the delay. D:
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter created mostly by Mida.  
> Disclaimer | We do not own Supernatural nor its characters and the plot is owned by Mida_Malek.

**Shadows**

 

* * *

 

 

**Afternoon - November 1 st, 2005**

_“I see shadows, everywhere that I go… It’s you, reminding me. Of how we loved, of how it was…”_

 

            Dean looked up at Lisa who had entered the room and sat his guitar down. She was carrying two bowls of snacks and smiled at Dean when she approached him.

“That sounds really good Dean. Can I hear the whole thing when it’s finished?”

Dean shrugged. He wanted to pretend that song didn’t mean anything to him but Lisa wasn’t going to buy that bullshit anymore.

“Come on.” She placed the bowls down on a table near him and poked his side, as though it would make a difference.

“Like you just said, it’s not finished yet. Plus I don’t think it’s good for the album, people might start to think I’m depressed or something. Till now, we have around 5 break up songs on the album and I’m pretty sure that’s not a good thing. I need Ash to help with some happy songs Lis.”

Lisa rolled her eyes and shrugged. “A lot of people have different themes for their albums, Dean. It’s not that bad.”

“No but it’s gonna make less people like it. Not everyone is dealing with a broken heart and this much guilt you know. We need to make sure all our fans get what they want.”

“But that will just make a complete mess of the album! Just imagine the song ‘Better than me’ playing and then a party song afterwards. It won’t sound pleasant and the fans will think so too.”

Dean cringed at the mention of that song, the song he had written in the hospital after Cas began to avoid him. He tried not to remember the memories from when he was in the hospital.

“First of all, who said anything about a party song? I mean, have I ever sung a party song? Jesus, sometimes I wonder if you actually know me at all.” Dean shook his head in disappointment. “And plus, we don’t have to have a happy song after that specific song. I’m sure we can manage to put them in a good order so that it doesn’t fry anyone’s brains out.”

Lisa sighed softly.

“Okay, whatever. Do I still get to hear this song or not?”

It was Dean’s turn to roll his eyes.

“No. Now let me eat in peace, I’m starving.”

Lisa shook her head and laughed. It was great how Dean managed to turn even the most serious of conversations into something simple.

She knew, deep down, that Dean would never be hers but that never stopped her from falling for the young man. Even his flaws made him great in her eyes. It just wasn’t fair, really. She deserved him more than whoever it was that had captured his heart. That asshole had left Dean after all.

No one would ever leave Dean Winchester if they had a heart.

Dean’s phone vibrated with an alarm and Dean groaned.

“I hate this stupid medicine shit. Honestly, I am so getting back at those Demons for this. Alastair went too far with this trick.”

Lisa stared at him.

“What? We all know it was him! Azazel doesn’t care what happens to me and Gordon is too afraid to do anything.” Dean shrugged carelessly and stood up to get water.

“The worst part is that I have to take these stupid pills with water. Why can’t I take them with something better like alcohol?” He swallowed the pills and water before shuddering in disgust.

“Dean, you’re not even supposed to drink at all now. What difference does it make if you take them with water?”

“Hey, I have successfully replaced alcohol with coke but I hate that I can’t do that with these.”

“Oh great. So not only are you going to give yourself a heart attack but you’ll also be diabetic as well? I’m so proud of you. Really.”

“Shut up Lis. Oh, and make sure you don’t say anything like that in front of Sam, he would flip.” Dean stuck out his tongue like the 5 year old he was and vanished into the hallway just outside of the recording room.

 

* A Song For You *

 

**Sunset – December 25 th, 2005 – Christmas Eve.**

 

            Dean fixed his bowtie in the mirror before checking himself out. He had never felt easy in suits but it was a formal party. He had to be prepared, right?

He reached for his Jaguar cologne and smiled when the warm smell filled his nose. Sammy had given this to him years ago and he’s been wearing the same cologne ever since.

He sighed. He tried not to think about how Cas used to get dizzy at the smell when it got mixed in with the smell of Dean’s leather jacket.

He really felt sorry for himself now. He’d spent these past few months trying not to think of those blue eyes and pink chapped lips that haunt his dreams. After that night in the lobby, that scene had turned into a constant nightmare. He had lost count of the nights he’d started dreaming of Cas walking away from him. Or worse, when Cas would stay and Dean had to wake up to a reality without him. It was pure torture.

Honestly, Dean felt really proud of himself for not drinking himself to death again because of this. He had promised Sam and no matter how much he wanted to drown his sorrows, Dean always kept his promises to his little brother.

There was a knock on the door before it opened, revealing a taller but just as handsome young man. Dean smiled in the mirror.

“Looking good Sammy.”

“Right back at yah, big brother. Jess sent me to check on you and to see if you’re ready.”

Dean gave himself a quick once over before nodding.

“Yeah but I still look ridiculous. I look like a dressed up monkey Sam.”

Sam chuckled. “Well are you coming or not, monkey boy?”

Dean gave him a death glare before following his little brother out. He hated how he now had to use a limo to get around and also have security on him at all times.

Jess was waiting for them when they got downstairs and the three of them got into the limo. Sam and Jess tried to calm him the entire way to the hotel Lisa was staying at but it didn’t work. What did work though was when Ben got into the car and Dean’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. Ever since that night at the party, Lisa took the boy everywhere she went and Dean made sure of it. He and Sam had had their share of being home alone and Dean swore that he would never let Ben have that same experience.

Once they arrived, they were out of the car in seconds and Dean nearly cursed when the rapid flashes of light blinded him momentarily. He forced down a smile and pushed through the crowd.

“Merry Christmas everyone.” He said to the microphones and cameras as he got through the crowd and security. Pamela had insisted Dean be charming to the fans and that was what he was doing now.

Once they were inside, Dean breathed in the fresh air. He could smell the great food from here and thought ‘ _At least I won’t be starving tonight’_. It always seemed funny to him how people thought food was always great at celebrity parties. In reality, most of it tasted like crap. It was very rare for Dean to enjoy the food at these events.

Sam and Jess had disappeared within the crowd, probably going off to dance to the current song. He felt really happy that Sam was having a good time.

He could feel Lisa’s fixed stare towards him but he tried to ignore it.

“Hey Lis, you should go get some poor guy on the dance floor too. I’ll stay here with Ben and have a manly conversation with him.” Dean said, lightly patting Ben’s head.

Lisa didn’t say anything for a moment before leaning forward, going beyond Dean’s bubble of personal space. For a moment, Dean thought she was going to kiss him but he breathed out in relief when she moved past cheek towards his ear. It didn’t last though.

“You can’t run forever Dean.” She vanished after that and Dean was left speechless for a brief moment. Then he looked down at Ben and tried to smile.

“Come on little man, let’s see if we can find you a lady.” Ben looked at him before shaking his head.

“Why don’t we find YOU a lady, Dean?” Dean laughed.

“I’m getting a bit too old for that Ben.” Truth was, Dean hasn’t so much as flirted with anyone ever since the hospital incident. He was never in the mood to do so anymore. There was a tiny voice in the back of his head that told him he should just leave people alone to live their lives. All he did was ruin them anyways, so why risk it? The voice, once again, sounded suspiciously like his father’s.

“Dean.” Dean looked down at Ben, confused with the serious tone from the 6 year old.

“Is this because of that strange doctor?” Dean froze, that was a question he never expected from him.

He tried to play it cool.

“What? What doctor.” Okay, maybe not so cool. Maybe he had gotten it wrong? Maybe Ben didn’t mean Cas?

“The guy with blue eyes, the one who acted strange when I was with you.”

Of course.

Dean released a low sigh.

“No, this has nothing to do with him... Ben, did you tell your mom about him?”

Ben slightly shook his head and Dean nodded appreciatively. This kid was just great.

After half an hour, Ben got tired of the noise so Dean took him to a room that was prepared for those with kids. He was very glad to find an empty room and decided to lay Ben down on the couch there.

It didn’t take long before Ben was fast asleep.

Dean knew he was safe here but just couldn’t bring himself to leave the kid alone. So he just sat there, staring into the unknown and silence that was upon him. He would rather be here than out there, running away from every guy and girl who’d throw themselves at him. He laughed at himself. The great star running from his own light! At his own party.

Dean Winchester, who was handsome, had a great voice and career, and now plenty of money (lots of it actually), was all alone.

Maybe that’s just how it was for him. He had somehow enjoyed being constantly alone with his thoughts. Whenever he was alone at home, he’d close the curtains and just sit in the dark, slowly strumming his guitar. No one could ever understand how empty and alone he felt.

He suddenly wished his guitar was there beside him. Maybe he could get himself to think about something other than the pair of blue eyes that haunt him so.

He was 100% sure Balthazar would be at this party and 99% sure that he would drag Cas here. And he sure as hell didn’t want to deal with either of them at the moment.

He almost had a heart attack at the sound of the door sliding open and for just a second, he was sure that it was Cas coming into the room. Unfortunately, his eyes finally adjusted to the young man staring down at him with wide eyes. He smiled anyways. The poor guy had blue eyes but they were far different than the beautiful ones Dean knew by heart. Dean almost felt sorry for himself again.

“Hey… Oh! I-I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester sir… Um, do you mind if I bring my daughter here to rest? All the other rooms were filled with loud kids.”

Dean stood up before nodding towards the father.

“I don’t mind at all. And don’t be so formal, just call me Dean.” Dean Winchester. Charming as always.

The man seemed relieved at the open answer and quickly brought his daughter in, placing her down on the couch across from them.

There was a soft knock on the window and Dean nearly jumped, staring out into the dark night. He could have sworn he had just seen a shadow that resembled Cas… But no one was there now.

He cursed under his breath. Was he hallucinating now? Just great.

“Um. Excuse me, what did you say?” The guy questioned, and Dean nearly fell out of his seat. He had forgotten there was another person in the room. Well, more like 3 others.

“Oh um. Nothing. Sorry, I was just talking under my breath.” He looked back at the window.

‘Screw it.’

“Sorry, can you keep an eye on Ben here? I just… Need some air… I won’t be gone for long and I’ll send for his mother if something happens.”

Dean was rambling now but he didn’t care. He was going crazy and he really didn’t need a witness to see it.

He didn’t stay long enough to hear the guy’s response. He just wanted out.

He tried to get out of the room without anyone noticing him but nothing good ever happens to him now. Just as he stepped out, someone had called for him.

“Dean!” A familiar French accent was heard over the slightly loud music.

“Shit..” Dean mumbled, slowly turning towards Balthazar.

“Balthazar, hello.” He spoke louder, nodding his head to greet the blond.

“Good to see you here Dean, though I should have known since this IS your event after all.” Balthazar spoke, chuckling at his own joke. “Gotta say though, I’m shocked to see you here alone.”

Dean gritted his teeth. Now was not the time to get into a fight Dean. Or start yelling. Or cursing.

“Not all of us are as lucky as you are, Balthazar.” He finally spoke, shocked at the words that have left his mouth. He was close to saying ‘not all of us are thieves like you’ or something similar to that. He didn’t know if that was better or worse than what actually _did_ leave his throat.

He wanted to bawl in a corner and cry out of how pitiful he sounded. What did he ever do wrong to deserve this?

Oh that’s right. Leave Cas.

Balthazar chuckled sadly. “Actually, I’m alone here as well.”

Dean froze.

“What do you mean? Did you guys break up or something?” He cringed at the sound of hope in his voice.

Balthazar smirked. “Thanks for your kind concern Dean but no. Cassie just has a shift tonight and couldn’t make it.”

Dean nodded. At least he could survive the night knowing that Cas wasn’t here. He was _so_ going to leave this hellhole now.

“Uh, that’s good then… Hey, listen. It was good seeing you again but I’ve got to go… So, I’ll see you later.” Dean turned and was about to make a run for it when Balthazar called him again, though louder. Now everyone in the room was staring at him. _That fucking bastard._

Balthazar cleared his throat. “Actually Dean, I was just gonna ask you to sing us your hit single. I was very pleased with the selling so far and surely you are as well. And since we all are here to celebrate this night anyways, why not give us your Christmas present through song?”

Any other person and Dean would have ignored them, saying that his producer would kill him or something like that. But how would he be able to use that excuse when his excuse was standing right in front of him. He cursed Pamela for getting him into this complicated mess.

All around, others who had overheard were now starting to agree on his producer’s request and cheering for him to sing. He swallowed and pulled at his collar, as though to let out the steam from his overheated skin.

Balthazar was looking at him expectantly and he knew that if he refused to play, there would be a lot of shit about him in the tomorrow’s paper. How he had refused to sing live for no shitty reason and has disappointed both his fans and producer.

“Uh… Um, yeah. Okay… I don’t see any reason not to.” _Except that you stole the one thing that matters to me._ “My producer is considered the boss, right?” He chuckled awkwardly. He tried to turn the whole thing into a joke, that’s what he always did to feel better about a situation.

Very soon after, he was sitting on a chair on top of the mini stage in the ballroom with his guitar at hand. Well, at least he had a good guitar. And he just had to play a song and get out of here, right? He could survive this… Hopefully.

Everyone fell silent as he tuned the instrument. The harmonic notes made him feel calmer and he slowly took a deep breath. Why had Balthazar insisted on this song? It’s not like it had any Christmas spirit to it. Plus they had only released it because it had passed a certain number of sales that practically forced Dean to agree to it. And it had passed that number during the first week of its release.  
Another deep breath and he was ready to go. He started with the chords on the guitar since the acoustic was his favorite kind of guitar when it came to playing solos.

_D-A-Bm-G_

_D-A-Bm-G_

Another deep breath.

_“Morning after_   
_Still lingers_   
_Just waking up_   
_I see a shadow of you_   
_Making breakfast for two_

  
_I go driving_   
_Past our place and_   
_I see this boy walk by_   
_Looks good to be true_   
_For a moment I wish it was you_   
  
_I'm not gonna tell ya_   
_I'm not gonna say that I'm okay, no_   
_I'm tryin' to get over_   
_I'm tryin' to get far away from our mistakes_   
  
_But I see shadows_   
_Everywhere that I go_   
_It's you, reminding me_   
_Of how we were_   
_Of how it was_

  
_I see shadows_   
_Everywhere they follow_   
_It's you and memories_   
_Of how we loved_   
_I've had enough of your shadows”_

Dean continued playing the guitar during the pause before he continued the song.  
  
 _“Four months gone_  
 _I can't feel you_  
 _I don't understand it_  
 _Where did you go?_  
 _I hate that you're all that I know_  
  
 _I'm not gonna tell ya_  
 _I'm not gonna say that I'm okay, no_  
 _I'm tryin' to get over_  
 _I'm tryin' to get far away from our mistakes_  
  
 _But I see shadows_  
 _Everywhere that I go_  
 _It's you, reminding me_  
 _Of how we were_  
 _Of how it was_

  
_I see shadows_   
_Everywhere they follow_   
_It's you and memories_   
_Of how we loved_   
_I've had enough of your shadows_   
  
_You couldn't love me_   
_So why won't you leave me?_   
_Shadows_   
_Alone is the only place I want to be..”_

He paused at the bridge of the song, though still strumming the guitar in tune.

He felt like choking, no dying. His chest felt wounded and tight, as though someone really was choking him. He remembered writing this song but this pain was so much worse. The empty space in his heart that used to be Cas’ was swallowing him wholly and he needed to get away from it.

He needed to be alone. He needed to run away from all the shadows.

Shakily, he sung the last few lyrics softly but meaningful.

_“I see shadows_   
_Everywhere that I go_   
_It's you, reminding me_   
_Of how to love_   
_I've had enough_

  
_I see shadows_   
_Everywhere they follow_   
_It's you, the memories_   
_Of how we loved_

  
_I've had enough.”_

He finished the song and put the guitar down. He needed to get out. He needed air.

He raised his head and was happy to notice Sam, even if he was looking concerned. He locked his eyes with his brother’s and hoped that Sam would understand.

Sam looked at his phone then whispered something quickly to Jess who nodded in agreement.

“Dean!” Sam called out. “We have that family thing we have to get to, remember? We should leave now so we can make it.”

Dean was never more grateful to Sam than he was now. He nodded, still struggling with the pain from the gaping hole in his chest.

“Yeah… Yeah we should probably go.”

He hated how quiet the room ended after the song. It made him feel as though he did something wrong. Even more wrong than everything he did in his freaking life.

He then realized his mistake.

The original, radio version of the song had been about a girl but he had sung it with the lyrics that was for a boy. Now everyone knew his ‘big mistake’ was a guy instead of the girl many people assumed.

He quickly searched the room for Balthazar as he stood up, hoping to tell him he was leaving before bolting it with Sammy, and saw the blond along the side of the room. But he wasn’t alone.

Castiel was standing beside Balthazar. _Castiel_ had just heard him sing a song that was _for him_.

“Shit.” He said and sat back down quickly. He could feel the room spinning around his head and he really needed air.

Deep breaths Dean. In, out. In, out. Slowly, his vision came back to him and he took control over himself and the situation. He was Dean Winchester. He didn’t panic, not even for Cas. At least, not anymore. He avoided Cas’ widened eyes and smiled the best smile he could pull.

“There you have it guys. I hope you’re pleased boss.” He winked at Balthazar from the stage. What was up with him now? He got what he wanted, didn’t he? Now Castiel knew exactly how messed up Dean was.

And for some reason, Dean didn’t care. Maybe he was even happy. It was a good thing, right? Now Cas knew how much Dean thought and cared about him and he knew most of Dean’s songs were about him.

Maybe he was gonna survive this night after all.

Sam still looked at him with concern and Dean realized that maybe he was waiting for Dean to get up so they could leave.

“Boss, can I go now?”

Suddenly, the quiet room was disrupted with Balthazar’s laughter. It must have triggered something because the entire room ended up with cheers and clapping while Dean walked off the set towards Sam. He looked at his clothing and realized that he had played a guitar in his suit. How cheesy was that, he snorted to himself.

“Let’s go Sammy, before I get poisoned again.” He joked, putting on his jacket while Sam threw a death glare at him.

“That is not funny Dean. I still think you should have pressed charges.”

“Oh come on Sam. Let’s not discuss this tonight, okay? Let’s just have ourselves a merry Christmas.”

This time, Sam did laugh and Dean grinned joyfully. He could pretend he hadn’t seen Cas and everything will turn out fine.

Or at least, it would have been but apparently Cas had other plans in mind.

“Hello Dean.”

Dean jumped probably a foot up in the air before slowly turning towards Cas.

“Hey Cas, so you decided you’d finally talk to me?” Again, Dean tried to joke it off.

“I just came to ask you something.” He looked at Sam for a moment.

“Can we talk in private?”

Dean hesitated but nodded. What did Cas want to talk to him about in private? Maybe he was gonna screw Dean all over again, and not in a good way.

They went outside on the balcony and Dean tried to calm his heartbeat.

“So…?”

Castiel looked at the garden ahead, so carefully avoiding Dean’s eyes. He sighed, the cold air forming visibly in front of him.

“Dean… That song…”

“Cas, we don’t have to talk about this. There is nothing you could have done, right? This whole mess was my fault. I brought it upon myself-“

“Dean. I need to ask you this. Please be quiet and let me speak.”

Dean shut his mouth.

“There was a line in that song, ‘You couldn’t love me so why won’t you leave me’… If this is about me then that part is not true, you know that right?... This is very hard for me but I don’t want to- I can’t live the rest of my life, knowing you believed that I didn’t love you.”

Castiel spoke so softly at the end that Dean nearly didn’t hear him.

“Cas, you don’t have to do this okay? I get it… I lost my chance. I’m weak and I don’t deserve you… Balthazar is strong and is good for you…”

Castiel shook his head in disbelief.

“You’re so unbelievable Dean Winchester, You know that? I _loved_ you. I still do! This is the second time I’m doing this and you… You’re right. You’re weak and you’re a coward. I gave you everything and I loved you with my everything, I was even willing to ignore the fact that you cheated on me and this is what you give me?”

He had a hold on Dean’s jacket and was pulling Dean closer to him.

“You make me sick Dean. I came here tonight, thinking maybe, just maybe, you’d man up and fight for me, for _us_! For what we had and could have but… but you’re still the same as ever. After hearing that song, all I could think about was what if you’d given up because you thought I didn’t love you back but… I see that I was mistaken. I’m sorry I ever counted on your words.”

He released Dean’s jacket and pushed him away, brushing his shoulder passed Dean’s as he walked right by him.

“I hope you’re happy with yourself Dean.”

The familiar sentence was what brought Dean back towards reality and he reached to stop Cas.

 _Something’s not right here_.

“Cas wait!” Castiel stopped but kept his back towards him.

“What do you mean cheated on you? I never cheated on you Cas… I could never…”

“Dean… Do you really take me as an idiot?”

Dean took Cas’ wrist in his hand and pulled him so he’d turn to face Dean. Dean could live with Cas hating him, but he couldn’t bare Cas hating him over something he hadn’t done.

“Cas, I could never do that to either of us. You know me. You know I’d never do that… Why would you even believe that?”

Castiel looked miserable and Dean felt just as bad.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore Dean… I really don’t… I saw Ben and… It made sense… That was why you left me, wasn’t it? Dean, I need to know WHY you did this to me! Why you caused so much pain for the both of us!”

Dean felt his breath catch in his throat.

“Cas… Ben isn’t my son… I met Lisa after college and he’s 5. Ben isn’t my son Cas… At least, that’s what Lis says.”

There was a bit of silence.

“Why Dean… Just tell me why… You owe me that much.”

Castiel looked tired now.

Dean just couldn’t look him in the eyes, too afraid that he might do something very stupid.

“You sure you wanna know Cas? Be careful what you wish for.”

Castiel took a slow, deep breath and nodded.

“Yes Dean. I need to know… I need to know what I did to deserve this.”

Dean knew he was gonna lose it. He couldn’t keep playing this game. He couldn’t keep this up with Cas. If he was gonna lose Cas, he better lose him for good. He just couldn’t deal with this shit anymore. Spending months to get some safe ground for him to put his foot down and then Cas comes back and everything goes to hell once more. This just isn’t fair.

“I was scared… You were gonna leave and I’d be alone again. I wouldn’t be with you anymore and I just… I was so afraid you were gonna find someone new, someone who deserved you better than I do… Then you’d realize that I’m not good for you. Someone possibly richer than me, someone who could take care of you the way you deserved it… I was so messed up and I didn’t even know what I wanted to do for a living and… I couldn’t do that to you…”

Castiel’s head had dropped down. He looked like he was gonna break down at any moment. All the more reason for Dean to hate himself.

Finally he looked up, with determination and rage and tears.

“You’re a fucking idiot Dean. What is the matter with you? How could you even imagine I’d care about any of that? I loved you, you fucking asshole! I WANTED to be there with you when you tried to find your way. I wanted to cheer for you, wanted to tell everyone how proud I am of my boyfriend… But I guess you took that away from me. You took that away from both of us.”

He took back his hand and turned away.

“Cas…”

“…Goodbye Dean…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuki | I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please Kudos and Review! We’d love to hear your opinions!  
> Mida | Again im sorry about the delay! please tell us what you think. oh and be happy cause chapter 7 is gonna be fluffy young Destiel love all over!:D oh and the song "Shadows" is originally by Westlife my favorite band in the world!:D so yeah... i know it's a pop song but Dean can sing a more dark rock version of it:D not that hard!:D
> 
> Also, Special thanks to Hunteroftheworkd for being our first commenter on this story. You rock! C:


	7. Can't help falling in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first days are always the best... aren't they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida| oh look at that! two weeks and finally the chapter is ready. i've been dealing with so much lately including an intern from China who came to Iran by AIESEC and i'm her buddy and i had to make sure she had everything she needed and it was in the middle of my spring holidays!!! so yeah... but it was cool!:-> anyway i kinda had other stuff prepared for y'all for this chapter but you know i thought this is better cause i owed you all some cute fluff! hope you enjoy!:->
> 
> Yuki | Well everyone, it's been quite a while, hasn't it? This chapter was un-beta-d so please forgive us for any mistakes you see. It's by far one of the best chapters Mida has written that barely needed any correcting. ;w; -claps for Mida-  
> Anyways, the chapters from now on will be posted at random (hopefully not 3 weeks later but you never know with life.) and won't be on a schedule that I cannot promise.  
> *Special thanks to LillianaNil for the wonderful comment! You are awesome!*

 

**October 1998**

 

            Dean fixed his shirt in the mirror and turned to face Garth, worrying inside his cheeks.

“What do you think?” he felt really stupid and nervous. It was the first time he would take Cas out on a real date. There was the concert thing and then a late dinner.

He had spent too much time to finally find a band that they both liked and had a concert near them. The Backstreet boys. Ok maybe Dean was just making sure Cas liked them. Whatever.

“You look good Dean, seriously! You’re a handsome boy. Be your overconfident self and you will be just fine.” Garth smiled. It was too sweet how he always stood by Dean even though everyone thought they were very different. Not everyone knew it, but Garth knew for sure that the bad boy picture was just a protecting wall for Dean. The kid was a very good friend, best Garth ever had. So he made sure Dean knew he cared.

“Here. I hope you have fun tonight.” Garth said handing Dean the two tickets.

“Thanks Garth. I owe you big time.”

“You don’t owe me anything Dean. Now get going.”

Dean nodded and took his wallet, leaving the room. He spent the whole way to Cas’ dorm thinking about what to do that night. It had been almost 3 weeks that they were dating and they hadn’t even kissed yet.

Dean tried not to overthink it. It was true that he had a reputation of getting into people’s pants, but he never felt so… hard with anyone else. And after that first night, he knew he wouldn’t push Cas. He was gonna wait till Cas was ready. Dean wanted Cas to trust him. So waiting it was.

But now, Dean was starting to doubt himself. Maybe Cas didn’t like him like that. Maybe he just wasn’t interested. Dean couldn’t really blame the guy.

Cas was perfection wrapped in a human’s body. He was proud and stubborn, if he wanted to do something he’d do it without any words. He was also very kind. When he got confused, he would tilt his head to side and give you the most adorable sight. And he got confused a lot. It was really cute how he knew just every sickness there ever was but didn’t know who Bon Jo Vi was. Really, it was precious. And when he smiled, or much better, laughed, Dean felt his heart sink. He would give anything to make Cas laugh. Anything.

But Dean’s favorite part about Cas was his eyes. They were just so… blue. When they locked eyes it felt like he was drowning in the sea. And oh if he didn’t love every single second of it. Sometimes Dean felt like Cas could see right through him, like he knew just exactly what Dean was thinking at the second. And Dean loved how he could see every emotion Cas had reflect in those ocean-blue eyes.

He got to the door and knocked three times.

There was some shuffling and then Cas opened the door and there was only so much Dean could do to keep himself from gasping. Or saying something stupid.

He was wearing a pair of pretty tight jeans, that very much showed up his perfect ass, and a blue button-down. It matched his perfect eyes. And his hair, it was so messy yet cute. It looked like he had just spent the last 10 minutes making out with a touchy bastard.

“Hey Cas.” Dean finally managed to get out.

Castiel smiled evilly and closed the door behind him.

“Hello Dean. Where are we going tonight?”

Dean took a deep breath and cursed himself inwardly for having so little control over himself. Cas was enjoying teasing Dean. He could swear that his cheeks were burning red.

“Uh, we’re going to the…uh…concert thingie… Backstreet boys. You like them right?”

Castiel nodded and motioned for Dean to start walking. He tried very hard not to start screaming. They had tickets for Backstreet boys. Cas had been dying to go watch them. Though he had never said it out loud and now he wondered how the hell did Dean know.

“We’re taking my car, if that’s ok with you?”

Castiel smiled and nodded taking his hand. Dean would totally deny the flip of his heart in his chest.

“Sounds good to me. Let’s go.”

It was really weird how Dean had absolutely no idea how the time passed and how he drove the two of them to the concert. It was like he was in a deep sleep, or watching everything behind a curtain. He was just so distracted by his beautiful boyfriend. He was hyper aware of the guy’s every act and everything else seemed to be blurry to his eyes and ears.

“We’re here.” He said as he parked his car in the parking lot and opened the door. Cas got out too, looking around at the crowded space.

“Where are we?” he asked.

Dean took another look at their tickets to make sure and thanked Garth again in his head.

“Second row.” He said with a smug grin.

Castiel faced him and gave him the most adorable surprised face there ever was.

“Seriously? I guess there ARE benefits to dating Dean Winchester after all. That must have cost you a fortune.” He said with a smirk and started walking towards the park’s entry, Dean following him.

“Hey! There is much more benefit to it than just tickets you asshole!” He protested.

“Yeah? Like what? Being called asshole?”

Dean pulled his best “Fuck you” face and stuck out his tongue.

“Well you’d know it by now if you weren’t taking everything so slow! I’m a very good kisser and pretty amazing in bed.”

Castiel laughed and Dean tried really hard not to show how proud of himself he was.

“Yeah I’m sure you are Dean. Now please let’s just go get to our place before you can get any further on that topic.”

It was great and Dean was really proud of himself. Cas seemed to be enjoying the night and so was Dean. Aside from the fact that he was out with Cas, he found himself not hating the boy band. They were kinda good.

The song “As long as you love me” came on and Cas screamed “I love this song” at Dean and then started laughing. Dean would swear the night couldn’t get any better than that.

Cas started singing along with the song and he sounded really out of tune. Dean was laughing harder than he remembered he had in a long time.

“I Don’t care, who you are. Where you’re from  
Don’t care what you did, as long as you love me…”

Dean was singing along by the time they hit the second chorus and Cas stared at him like he’d seen a ghost.

“What?” he said, feeling like he was made out of paper and Cas had laser eyes.

“Nothing you just… you have a really good voice Dean.”

Dean felt himself blushing and turned to face the stage where the five young men were jumping up and down.

“You know… I wish I could do this too… singing I mean. Performing…”

He had no idea why he had said those words. If it was any other situation he would curse himself. But he kinda didn’t mind that Cas now knew his biggest secret.

Cas, to Dean’s utter surprise didn’t pick on the topic and looked at the stage again. Dean told himself that he wouldn’t let this ruin their night and started making crazy noises that made Cas laugh.

It felt like Dean could do anything if he had that laugh by his side.

“Who’s your favorite?” He asked as they were walking back towards his car.

Castiel blushed looking away.

“Nick. He’s both handsome and he also has a great voice. He reminds me of…” and then Cas cut off blushing a deep red.

“Who?” Dean asked completely oblivious to Cas’ discomfort.

“Uh…never mind.” Cas said getting in the car. Dean frowned and got in.

“Where are we going from here Dean?” Castiel asked.

“Uh… well I was thinking we could go to this place I know… but we need to get food then go…”

He could feel himself blush. Dammit Dean, you’re a big boy. It’s totally uncool to blush.

“Sure Dean, tonight is yours to make it last.” Cas said in a tone that made Dean think of Shakespeare.

“Don’t mock me Novak!”

“You had it coming Winchester.”

Dean couldn’t help but laugh.

They stopped at the McDonalds and got two cheeseburgers to go.

“Where are we going Dean? You’re not gonna murder me or anything, are you?”

Dean chuckled softly. “Relax Cas. We’re almost there.” He said before pulling into a side road and parking the Impala.

Cas looked up and his breath got caught in his chest when he saw the beautiful view.

They were at the top of a big cliff that Cas had no idea was even so close to their town.

“Dean… this is beautiful…”

Dean smiled clearly proud of himself.

“Come on, let’s get eating… I have another surprise for you after we eat.”

Castiel looked like he wanted to push to find out what the surprise was but Dean gave him a look that meant he better wait.

Truth is Dean had been really worried about this part of his plan before but after what happened in the concert he had more trust in it now.

He had no idea how he ate his sandwich. He was deeply drowned in their conversation.

“Come on, you are kidding me right? how can you not know who the Styx are?”

“Well it’s easy Dean, I actually live in this decade.”

Dean pulled his best bitch face, knowing Sam would be proud of him if he saw it.

“Well then I guess I just have to take you back in time, huh?”

“Can’t you just make peace with the fact that you like classic rock and I don’t?”

“Dude, have you even given it a try?”

Castiel shrugged.

“Thought so! We will start with the best. I promise you are going to love them!”

Castiel thought it was so cute how Dean turned to an 8 year old when it came to classic rock bands. Being excited and high on happiness really suited his boyfriend. It made it all the much harder for Cas to stay away from that tempting eyes and lips.

He was dying to feel those full lips and taste Dean, see those apple green eyes get dark with lust. But truth is he was afraid of falling for Dean. After all he was Dean Winchester and everyone knew Dean never stayed with anyone after sex. He couldn’t go in this unless he was sure Dean wanted him.

After they spent another half an hour on the colors each one liked and the food, they were done with their late dinner.

“Ok, now am I going to know what’s your surprise?” Castiel asked playing bothered and impatient.

Dean smirked walking towards his baby and opened its trunk.

“Castiel, say hello to Cherry.” He said as he took out the classic guitar.

Castiel was awed. The instrument was so beautiful. Just like its owner, it shined. It was like it wasn’t a normal guitar.

“Dean… I did not know you could play guitar.”

Dean smirked. Cherry had never let him down before and he was hoping Cas would fall for his voice. Apparently the boy wasn’t that attracted by Dean’s physical beauty. Dean was sure if this didn’t work he had to give up on Cas. It’s not like he had a personality to count on.

The question is would he ever be able to give up on those blue eyes? He was pretty sure he’d go through hell to change himself just so that Cas wanted him.

But it was more than just the blue eyes… Cas had given Dean a chance. No one had ever done that for him. Not even himself. And Cas had trusted him. Well, at least had tried to. And Dean didn’t wanna let him down. He couldn’t let the only guy who’d seen him beyond the badboy cover down.

That was kinda the whole point behind his song, wasn’t it?

“You know... I was never good in making my own music, never! But then… then here you are and I think I just found my muse. I wrote a song for you.”

It just hit Dean there how cheesy that actually sounded.

“Uh… ok that was cheesy. Well… I think I better stop talking and just play you the song.”

What Dean didn’t know was that Cas wasn’t silent because he thought Dean was acting stupid.

Dean had actually written him a song. A freaking song. Someone was yelling “Holy crap” inside Cas’ head.

He didn’t make any sound while Dean was making sure Cherry was in tune and started the happy notes.

Dean was pretty sure his shirt was getting dark with his sweats. He couldn’t remember ever being so nervous.

“ _Love, I don't think so_  
_I'd have to be a fool to go down that road_  
_Aw, but look at you, look at you, look at you_  
_I'd be crazy not to_  
  
_I know, it makes no sense_  
_Why would I jump off a perfectly good cliff_  
_Aw, but look at you, look at you, look at you_  
_I'd be crazy not to_  
  
_My best bet is turn around and run_  
_And not get all caught up in your love_  
_My friends say I'm crazy if I do_  
_Aw, but look at you, look at you, look at you_  
_Oh, I'd be crazy not to_  
  
_My heart, is telling me stay_  
_Like maybe I should take a chance and have faith_  
_Aw, and look at you, look at you, look at you_  
_Baby, I'd be crazy not to_  
  
_My best bet is turn around and run_  
_And not get all caught up in your love_  
_My friends say I'm crazy if I do_  
_Aw, but look at you, look at you, look at you_  
_Oh, I'd be crazy not to, baby, I'd be crazy not to_  
  
_I know if I kiss you_  
_It's only gonna lead to_  
_More and more, and more, and more_  
  
_So my best bet is turn around and run_  
_And not get all caught up in your love_  
_My friends say I'm crazy if I do_  
_Aw, but look at you, look at you, look at you_  
_Yeah, look at you, look at you, look at you_  
_I'd be crazy not to, crazy not to”_

Dean wasn’t sure if those lyrics actually told Cas how much he wanted to kiss the guy… and do all the other stuff.

Cas was still silent when Dean placed his guitar back in its case.

And MUCH closer than he had been before the song had started. Totally in Dean’s personal space. And that was more than ok with Dean. well except that he didn’t know if he was supposed to lean the rest of the way and kiss those lips or not. He had fallen once before for Cas’ trick and he didn’t wanna make a fool out of himself again.

His mind was so worked up with his thoughts that he didn’t feel Cas move until his pink lips were brushing his.

Castiel was sure he was a fool for waiting this long. Nothing he had dreamed of was slightly close to this feeling. It felt like watching the fireworks for the first time. And it was only a brush of lips.

Then Dean moved his hand on Cas’ back and placed it on his neck pulling him more to himself, tilting his head in a more comfortable position and captured Cas’ lips with his taking control. He was so happy his mind had an auto pilot for kissing. Really. He was sure he was experiencing a heart attack. Cas’ lips felt amazing between his… just perfect… it made Dean crave for more.

Cas was sure not even heaven would make him so light headed. He had no control over his body anymore. All he felt was Dean’s lips sucking on his own. And then Dean’s tongue was brushing his lips apart, begging for entrance and all Cas could do was let him.

Dean pushed his tongue in Cas’ now open mouth and brushed every corner, memorized his teeth, and tangled their tongues. Cas’s mouth was so warm and welcoming. It felt so pure. So clean. Dean was sure he had never felt anything like what he was feeling at that moment.

Cas moaned when Dean tugged a little at his hair making Dean suck at his tongue. Dean tasted like chocolate and mint. He tasted like summer. Like green apples. He tasted all the good things Cas hadn’t had in years.

Then Dean pulled away leaning his forehead to Cas’.

“Shit… that was… you’re…” Dean gave up on finding a word and just brushed Cas’ lips with his fingers.

Only after a couple of minutes they were back to breathing normal. Now that they knew how it felt they both just wanted to jump on the other and kiss each other till they were out of breath.

Dean was biting his lips really hard so that he could resist saying or doing something he’d regret later.

They just stood there looking at each other, going though every little detail. It was only then that Cas noticed the beautiful line of freckles on Dean’s tanned face. It took him all the power he had not to start kissing the line.

“You’re beautiful…” he whispered mostly to himself. He was trying to understand why Dean wanted him. why of all the people he had chosen Cas?

Dean blushed deeply and felt his cheeks on fire. God Cas was turning him to such a teenager.

But all Cas could think of was how the blush made Dean’s green eyes stand out even more than before. Those long lashes, the beautiful line of his brows. It was breath taking.

He felt he couldn’t resist anymore and leaned forward to brush his lips against Dean's one more time, but Dean’s phone chose that exact moment to start ringing.

“Shit.” Dean mumbled taking his phone out of his jeans pocket making Cas see a flash of tanned skin. He smirked inwardly knowing this had worked. He and Cas, they belonged together, it was just meant to be and Dean could care less at that moment if it all sounded so cheesy.

“We should get back. I set my alarm for 11 so I can get you back to the dorm before you get in trouble. Plus I know you like to wake up early and I thought you shouldn’t sleep late so…” His babbling was cut off by the sound of Cas laughing.

“What?” he asked not knowing what was so funny.

“Nothing just… I don’t know… it’s kinda cute that you don’t want me to get in trouble!” he air quoted the ‘trouble’ making his point.

Dean shrugged and turned around trying to hide his blush. What the hell Dean? just keep yourself together for another hour. For the love of fuck.

“Let’s get back, what do you say?”

Castiel just nodded still smiling and helped gathering their trash as Dean put their stuff back in the trunk. The ride back was mostly silent, nothing said, just the AC/DC playing their “Shook me all night long”.

“Who’s this?” Cas asked after half an hour of silence.

“AC/DC.” Dean said pleased that Cas was interested. He knew the guy had some rock in his bones.

Castiel nodded and grinned.

“I like them.”

“You betcha ass you do dude. AC/DC rules.”

And that sent Cas to a full on laughter making Dean feel butterflies in his stomach.

They didn’t say anything else till he pulled over in front of Cas’ dorm.

“Here we are exactly 10 minutes to midnight. That’s not so bad if you ask me.” Dean said not knowing what to do. Well this was awkward as fuck.

Then Castiel leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

“Thanks for tonight Dean, and thanks for the song. I had so much fun.” He said with a smile and then got out of the car leaving a shocked Dean in the car.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuki | Thank you so much for the support everyone! We hope to post the next chapter soon! c:
> 
> Mida| Guys please encourage us with your warm words! we'd love to get some feedback! love ya all!  
> oh and the song is "Crazy not to" originally by the amazing "Danny Gokey"!
> 
> OH AND THERE'S GONNA BE A BIG TWIST IN THE PLOT SO BE PREPARED!:->


	8. Bewilderment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just in Dean's blood, he drinks his problems away... and sometimes his friends and family too...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida | HI! guys i am soooo sorry for this big DELAY! like u have no idea. erm... Happy Sammy Birthday!:D well two 3days later but better late than never right?:D Um, expect strong feels to hit you. i personally cried writing this. 
> 
> Yuki | I’m the worst beta ever. Why does my schedule hate me… This is not Mida’s fault guys so please don’t hate her! Me and my lousy schedule/computer/emails messed up this time! –hides behind something-
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter created mostly by Mida.  
> Disclaimer | We do not own Supernatural nor its characters and the plot is owned by Mida_Malek.

 

January 2006

_Dean ran after Cas._

_“Cas, please wait! Please, we can fix this ok?”_

_Castiel turned around, an emotion that pains him reflected on his sad eyes._

_“Who says I want to fix this Dean?”_

_Dean froze. What the hell was Cas talking about? Of course he wanted to fix this. He loved Dean, didn’t he? Why wouldn’t Cas want to fix their relationship?_

_“Cas? Baby please. Don’t run away like this…We can be like how we used to be.”_

_“Who the hell are you to tell me not to run away?” Castiel stepped forward and harshly shoved Dean backwards._

_“Who the fuck do you think you are? You’re just a coward. All you ever did was run away. All you ever did was leave me feeling like a used tissue. You threw me away Dean, now you don’t get to ask me to stay.”_

_“Cas…”_

_“Goodbye Mr. Winchester.”_

Dean gasped, waking up quickly and feeling the thin sweat that stuck to his skin. His cheeks were wet with tears, old and new. This was the 5th time he’d woken up this week in tears and he knew he wouldn’t be able to get any sleep later. It was getting worse and worse though. His mind’s version of Castiel was getting crueler every night.

Or maybe he was getting more realistic?

After all, everything he said were all true. Dean was a coward and all he ever did was run away, like how he ran away from Cas. God, he wanted Cas back. He needed him so badly.

“Fuck it.” He muttered under his breath, getting out of his king-sized bed and moving towards the mini bar in his room. He grabs the bottle of whiskey and pours himself a full glass and refills another after he quickly downs it in one swing.

He was worthless. Might as well just drown himself in alcohol.

 

*                      *                      *

 

He doesn’t remember how he got on a karaoke stage or why he was singing to a bar crowd but he was. Ironic how his drunken mind chose the song that was also about Cas.

  _“Life is bigger_  
 _It's bigger than you and you are not me_  
 _The lengths that I will go to_  
 _The distance in your eyes_  
 _Oh no, I've said too much_  
 _I set it up_

_That's me in the corner_   
_That's me in the spotlight_   
_Losing my religion_   
_Trying to keep up with you_   
_And I don't know if I can do it_   
_Oh no, I've said too much_

_I haven't said enough_   
_I thought that I heard you laughing_   
_I thought that I heard you sing_   
_I think, I thought, I saw you try_

_Every whisper_   
_Of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions_   
_Trying to keep an eye on you_   
_Like a hurt lost and blinded fool_   
_Oh no, I've said too much_   
_I set it up_

_Consider this_   
_Consider this the hint of the century_   
_Consider this_   
_The slip that brought me to my knees failed_   
_What if all these fantasies_   
_Come flailing around_

_Now I've said too much_   
_I thought that I heard you laughing_   
_I thought that I heard you sing_   
_I think, I thought, I saw you try_

_That was just a dream_   
_That was just a dream_

_That's me in the corner_   
_That's me in the spotlight_   
_Losing my religion_   
_Trying to keep up with you_   
_And I don't know if I can do it_   
_Oh no, I've said too much_

_I haven't said enough_   
_I thought that I heard you laughing_   
_I thought that I heard you sing_   
_I think, I thought, I saw you try_

_But that was just a dream_   
_Try, try, try, try._   
_That was just a dream_   
_Just a dream…”_

Dean had no idea where he was but the people here were nice and kept bringing him drinks. He thought he could perhaps stay here forever. Maybe he should call Cas and tell him about this place?

He fished his phone clumsily and dialed Cas’ number. It took him only a few seconds to pick up.

“Hello?” His voice was sleepy. Oops.

“’d I wake you sleepy head?” He said, trying his best not to slur.

“Umm. Excuse me, whoever you are. This is not funny, it’s 3 am.”

Dean giggled.

“Sorry babe, y’know I was never good with timin’.’m in a nice bar though. Wanna join me gorgeous?”

“…Dean?” The voice was suddenly alarmed.

“Yeah Cas, it’s ‘e. I missed you so fuckin’ much. Why can’t you come ‘n be with me?”

“Dean…. Are you drunk?”

“Yeah!” Dean hiccupped. “So? Answer ma damn question Cas… Please come here… Leave Balthy ‘n be here…”

“Dean. Where are you?”

Dean giggled again and felt his stomach do a flip.

“It’s a nice bar Cas. You should see how good people treat me here… I want you though…” Dean’s sentence was cut off when Cas hung up.

Well damn. Cas was not coming back was he?

Dean forgot about it seconds later when another bottle was shrugged in his hands.

 

*                      *                      *

 

February 2006

Dean panted against the wall, having just heaved his entire stomach out in the toilet nearby.

 “Ugh, I fucking hate hangovers.” He whispered to no one, knowing that in another hour, he’ll be drinking again until he couldn’t remember this feeling.

Till then though, he knew he wasn’t gonna feel all that good. So he picked up Cherry and sat in the corner, strumming at the chords. He didn’t even realize he had started singing until he felt a pen in his hand, writing down the lyrics on a random napkin from his pocket.

_“Once upon a time you and I_   
_When we were dreamin' easy_   
_Fresh as limes and happy as a Sunday sky_   
_There was nothing we could sell or buy_   
_'Cause all we really needed_   
_Was our bare feet and a pair of wings to fly_   
  
_What do you think, darling?_   
_Have we lived too much, too fast?_   
_And have you_   
_Have you felt melancholy, darling_   
_Wishing that time hadn't passed?_   
  
_Can you tell me how it used to be?_   
_Have we missed our chance?_   
_Have we changed our hopes for fears_   
_And our dreams for plans?_   
  
_Can you tell me how it used to be_   
_When we really cared?_   
_And when love was on our side_   
_On our side..._   
  
_I remember all the times before_   
_When we could spend our living_   
_Staring at the ceiling, lying on the floor_   
_My vocabulary wasn't broad_   
_I spoke so little English_   
_And the words transferred_   
_Sound like something odd_   
  
_What do you think, darling?_   
_Have I lived too much, too fast?_   
_And have you_   
_Have you felt the melancholy, darling_   
_Wishing that time hadn't passed?_   
  
_Can you tell me how it used to be?_   
_Have we missed our chance?_   
_Have we changed our hopes for fears_   
_And our dreams for plans?_   
_Can you tell me how it used to be_   
_When we really cared?_   
_And when love was on our side_   
_On our side..._   
  
_What is your guess, darling?_   
_Have I lived too much, too fast?_   
_So if you_   
_If you ever come and find me crying_   
_Now you know_   
_Now you know why_   
  
_Can you tell me how I used to be?_   
_Have I missed my chance?_   
_Have I changed my hopes for fears_   
_And my dreams for plans?_   
_Can you tell me how it used to be_   
_When we really cared?_   
_And when love was on our side_   
_On our side...”_

He set aside his guitar after he finished his new piece before picking up the next bottle of whiskey.

 

*                      *                      *

 

September 17th, 2006

Dean set aside the bottle of Gin and shook his head, the 60% alcohol was making his eyes tear up. He had long moved on from Whiskey. He knew there had been a time when he wasn’t like this but he couldn’t even remember it anymore. Or maybe he didn’t want to remember it? He was pretty sure that if he stopped drinking for around 2 hours, he would remember but he knew he didn’t want to remember.

Remembering was just too painful.

Someone knocked on the door and walked into the room and even without turning around, Dean knew it was Sam. He was late after all. Dean was going on stage in 10 minutes. Or was it 5 minutes? Whatever. 

“Dean, are you trying to kill yourself?” Came the greetings and Dean faced him with a scowl.

“Hi t’you too, lil bro.” He hoped his sarcasm was showing through his slurring words. Sam didn’t reply and just took the bottle from the coffee table in front of Dean and threw it out.

“Heyyy…”

“Dean, what the fuck! Did you take your medicine today? Have you even been sober for at least a second since January?”

Dean just giggled. Sam cursed under his breath. If Dean was giggling then the answer to his questions was no. He was getting irritated. What was he supposed to do with Dean? His brother was ruining his own life and apparently too drunk to even care. They had kept it all quiet for now but it was only a matter of time before people started whispering. Dean hadn’t gone to a single interview or even gone to get his awards since then.

“Dean. Why are you doing this? You promised me not to get to this point… Remember?” Sam tried his last card.

“Sammy… Please…”

Sam froze. Not just because Dean was begging him, but from the tone his voice held too. It suddenly hit Sam just how broken and shattered Dean actually was. And he felt his heart break. His Dean had come to being this broken creature. His strong, over protective, careless, big brother. Suddenly, Sam could see the bags under his eyes and the extreme weight loss.

“Shit Dean… What happened to you?” he whispered knowing his brother wouldn’t answer him anyways.

He couldn’t let Dean get on the stage like this. This would blow everything Dean had worked for since he was 20. Somehow, the man sprawled on the couch looked much older than 28. He looked 40. It was only then that Sam realized Dean hadn’t even shaved.

“Dean, what the fuck? Where is your stylist? Why are you not shaved?”

Dean giggled again.

“Don’t know Sammy… Think he didn’t like me anymore… Can’t blame him right?”

Sam felt a very throbbing urge in his knuckles, like they were begging him to smash them on Dean’s perfect cheekbones.

“Dean… What are you talking about? Did you sleep with him? Dean, what have you done to yourself? Where is Pam?”

Dean just shrugged, giggling some more.

Ok, enough was enough.

Sam took Dean by his arm and pulled him to the bathroom, pushing him inside and opening the cold shower on his head. Dean whined and wanted to get out, but Sam could get Dean on his back easily when he was like this.

“Shit.” Sam muttered under his breath again. How had Dean come to this? He knew exactly damn well how.

He helped Dean get out of the shower and helped him change. There was a knock on the door and Dean’s face turned sour.

“What the fuck do you want Pam?”

Pamela came in and looked at Dean with utter sadness.

“You’re on in five Dean. Well… At least you’re semi sober.”

Dean looked like he was gonna bark at her. Pamela sighed and left the room.

That’s when Sam finally blew up again.

“Dean! What are you doing with yourself? You promised me!”

“Screw you Sam. What do you know? Everything is always so easy for you. You never had to worry about not being enough. Always had everything you wanted.”

“Dean, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Sam thought Dean was semi sober now but apparently not. Dean would have shut up already before he said something he’d regret later.

“Just get the fuck out of here Sam. You have no idea how it feels to be me. I had to keep you away from dad. I had to work so you had all you needed. I had to bear dad’s aggressive behavior, making sure you were always out of harm’s way. I had to live with dad telling me I will never be enough. I had to leave Cas cause I felt so damn scared Sam. Scared I won’t be enough for him, scared that I couldn’t take care of both of you. But you always had it so easy. You have Jess now, and a job… You don’t need me anymore Sam… No one does... So just leave me alone…”

Sam stared at Dean for a few seconds before he punched his big brother.

That stupid asshole does NOT get to tell Sam he had everything easy. HE was the one who had always stood up to their father. Hell, he didn’t even get to say goodbye to the man before he had died.

“Shut the fuck up Dean! How can you think I ever had anything easy? I was always the freak, the new kid. Each time I found something we moved and I lost everything.”

“What do you know about losing Sam? You never got to have a normal life, but I did. I knew what it was like to have a mother and then I lost her. And I lost dad too. He wasn’t my dad anymore. He was my commander. All he ever cared about was Sam. Protect Sam, watch out for Sam Dean. Take care of your little brother. He’s your responsibility now. It was always Sam. And I was fucking ok with it Sam. I never let myself feel a little tired of it. You were my everything and I’d give anything for you to be happy… I DID give up my everything so you could go to college.”

“You think I wanted that Dean? You don’t get to blame me for losing Cas. That was YOUR choice and I begged you for days not to leave him. Truth is you were so god damn scared that you didn’t listen to anyone. You can only blame yourself for losing your EVERYTHING.”

“I know Sam… So just leave me alone and let me die… Just go.”

Dean shoved Sam with a force that surprised Sam.

“Dean…”

Dean thought about every single time he had hurt Sam, caused him so much worry, and he knew Sam couldn’t be happy with Dean in his life. Dean was just another extra weight. And he knew he had to end this.

“Sam, just get the fuck out of my life. I don’t want you here anymore. As long as you’re around… I can’t be happy.”

Sam stared at his brother and was so shattered when he didn’t find any doubt in his eyes. Dean wasn’t lying. He felt his heart shatter to a million pieces. They were supposed to be brothers, right? Stay together till the end? But apparently something had changed for Dean and he didn’t want Sam around anymore. Fine. Sam could easily live without Dean.

“Fuck you Dean. FUCK. YOU.”

And with that Sam was gone.

 

*                      *                      *

 

Dean stumbled on the stage but he got a hold of the chair beside him and fixed his balance, walking to the center of the stage. He hated the flash of lights, hated how empty he felt, hated how Sam had really left.

He hated how he missed Sam’s presence there, cheering for him, telling him he would be fine, he was always fine.

Except that he wasn’t. He really wasn’t ok, and he knew it. He simply didn’t care anymore. It hurt too much to care and he didn’t want to hurt anymore.

He looked at the crowd cheering for him, girls and boys shouting his name. Now that everyone knew he was a Bisexual, he didn’t need to hold back anymore. So he looked through the front row, fishing tonight’s dinner. He longed to be deep buried in somebody’s tight, warm body.

He pulled his mask on and started melting his fans with his warm smile. He sometimes amazed himself with how good he could act. Maybe he should become an actor on the side? That way at least someone could be in love with his character and he could feel a little loved.

He smiled and said his greetings, welcomed his band mates and sighed as the first song started playing.

If there was one good thing coming out of his constant drunkenness, it was his last album’s lyrics.

_“Spanish lullabies under moonlit skies, we found love there._   
_Dancing in the sand, walking hand in hand both without a care._   
_Haunted by my past completely in his grasp, simply unaware._   
_Was it meant to last, it fell apart so fast, life is just not fair._   
  
_It's time to face what this love has done to me,_   
_I can’t escape, only your love can save me._   
  
_You’re the only one who matters, and the only one for me,_   
_Now I’m lonelier than ever only your love can save me._   
_I’ve wanted this forever, but I want you all for me,_   
_You can put me back together, only your love can save me._   
  
_Each day I’m in hell, everyone can tell by the look on my face,_   
_Not one day goes by that I don’t wonder why don’t believe its fate._   
  
_It's time to face what this love has done to me,_   
_I can’t escape, only your love can save me._   
  
_You’re the only one who matters, and the only one for me,_   
_Now I’m lonelier than ever only your love can save me._   
_I’ve wanted this forever, but I want you all for me,_   
_You can put me back together, only your love can save me._   
  
_It's time to face what this love has done to me,_   
_I can’t escape, only your love can save me._   
  
_Only your love can save me,_   
_Only your love can save me._   
  
_You’re the only one who matters, and the only one for me,_   
_Now I’m lonelier than ever only your love can save me._   
_I’ve wanted this forever, but I want you all for me,_   
_You can put me back together, only your love can save me._   
_Only your love can save me._   
_Only your love can save me.”_

*                      *                      *

 

September 18th, 2006

Dean stepped on the stage and waved. He had drank half a bottle of Gin during the intermission and felt a bit dizzy. He picked up his electric guitar and waved his hands behind his back and tapped his foot 4 times before starting the notes.

_“Whoever said this pain would ever go away?_   
_Didn’t know what it meant to, be here without you_   
_Is everything you see reminding you of me?_   
_Does it hurt when you breathe too? Cause it does when I do, cause it does when I do._   
  
_When anybody says your name I wanna run away,_   
_I keep remembering I can't forget you_   
_It doesn't matter when I try it happens anyway,_   
_It's been forever and I can't forget you_   
_With every single day, it won't go away_   
_The way I feel about you_   
_And when it's said and done, you're the only one_   
_And I can't regret you, so I can't forget you_   
  
_I hate to feel this way, my days all feel the same_   
_And yesterday was proof, that tomorrow will too_   
_No matter what they say, can't drink it all away_   
_Cause all that I do, is think about you, is think about you_   
  
_When anybody says your name I wanna run away,_   
_I keep remembering I can't forget you_   
_It doesn't matter when I try it happens anyway,_   
_It's been forever and I can't forget you_   
_With every single day, it won't go away_   
_The way I feel about you_   
_And when it's said and done, you're the only one_   
_And I can't regret you, so I can't forget you_   
  
_Stop haunting my dreams_   
_Please set me free_   
_Stop haunting my dreams_   
_Please set me free_   
  
_When anybody says your name I wanna run away,_   
_I keep remembering I can't forget you_   
_It doesn't matter when I try it happens anyway,_   
_It's been forever and I can't forget you_   
_With every single day, it won't go away_   
_The way I feel about you_   
_And when it's said and done, you're the only one_   
_And I can't regret you_   
_Stop haunting my dreams_   
_Please set me free_   
_Stop haunting my dreams_   
_Please set me free…”_

Dean played the last note on his electric guitar and sighed in the microphone.

He wanted to cry right there on the stage. But he wouldn’t. Like he never had. He missed Sam’s presence but he knew this was for the best. Sam didn’t need Dean’s crap in his life. He would be much happier without Dean to worry about. It was actually the truth, that Sam didn’t need Dean anymore. And neither did Cas. So Dean would take what he could. And that was the pretty girl in the front row, clearly dying to just get her hand on Dean. And alcohol. Lots and lots of it. He needed to forget…

“Happy Birthday Cas…” He said softly into the microphone before he started up the next song.

 

*                      *                      *

 

January 24th, 2007

“To Dean.”

“To Dean.” The whole room said at the same time, holding their glasses in the air, tipping towards Dean. Dean nodded with a smile and cleared his throat, turning to look at Ben and Lisa.

“To my beautiful family, Lisa and Ben, who stuck by me and patiently helped me get out of the prison I had made for myself. Wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t because of the two of you. I love both of you so very much and will always make sure you have what you need.”

Lisa smiled and tilted her glass to him a little more.

“And we will always be there for you.”

Dean smiled and after so many long years, he was happy. He was gonna have a great family and he had people who needed him, who stood by his side even if he tried to push them away.

He was gonna be fine and he didn’t need Castiel or Sam for that to happen.

Or at least, that’s what he told himself.

 

*                      *                      *

 

            September 16th, 2008

Dean put down his orange juice bottle and tried hard not to whine about how he needed his share of coke every once in a while. He knew now that he had stopped having the medicine his heart was really vulnerable.

“You’re back on the set in 5 Dean.” Caleb shouted nodding for him to fix his head set microphone.

Dean fixed it and smiled as Ruby, his new stylist, made sure his makeup and outfit were all set. He smiled at her and pushed away the ‘Hey look, she’s really hot’ sign out of his head.

He had already lost one good stylist. Pamela will kill him if he lost another. So he politely smiled as she nodded him forward and left for her spot backstage. He stepped on the stage moments later and smiled as the roar welcomed him back.

“Having fun yet?” he asked with a happy tone.

The loud roar told him they were. He winked and chuckled, making the crowd go silent to hear what he had to say.

“So… a lot of you want to know what my newest single is about, or shall I say who?” He winked, making a few girls sigh.

“Truth is I wrote it for a lot of people… And I hope you never really understand what I mean by that.”

He added with a sad smile as the notes played in the air.

_“When I go_   
_You will be someone new_   
_You will see the stars come out_   
_You won't feel the pain I've caused at all_

_'Cause someday I must face up_   
_Someday you'll be better off on your own_   
_So just let me go_

_Under the bridge_   
_I'll carry this guilt_   
_No more_

_So under the waves_   
_And out of your way_   
_I'll go_

_When I'm gone_   
_You will find someone new_   
_And he won't lie or torture you_   
_And you won't cry for what you've lost at all_

_And someday_   
_When you wake up happy_   
_You will thank the Lord that I'm gone_   
_So darling be strong_

_I'm under the bridge_   
_I'll bury this guilt_   
_Forever more_

_So under the waves_   
_And out of your way_   
_I'll go…”_

He felt his heart ache badly and for a moment thought he was having a heart attack. Sam. Who was he kidding? He needed Sam… He missed Sam.

“Dammit.” He muttered under his breath getting himself together. He needed to hold on a little longer and he could go rest forever. He was just a little tired, that was all. He would dare anyone to say otherwise.

He was not going to take anymore pills.

 

*                      *                      *

 

September 18th, 2008

Dean smiled bitterly and fixed his jacket as Lisa kissed his cheek.

“You’re gonna be amazing baby, I know it. You’re gonna sound perfect and they’re gonna love you.”

Dean smiled and sighed. How he missed Sam’s simple words. He kissed her cheek and stepped out the room, going towards his spot on the stage. This was Pamela’s new way of torturing him. Tuxedos and fancy concerts with fancy dancers. Whatever, she knew what she was doing… Hopefully.

He waited as the rest of his crew stepped on stage and stood behind their instruments. When the light spots appeared, it made their fancy suits and dresses shine. Dean was very thankful that after the first song, the suits would be changed and replaced with comfortable flannels and jeans.

He was supposed to play his new song, the one that would be released tomorrow. Pamela thought this would be fun for the fans, make them want to come to his future tours.

“Hellooooo Lawrence, how are you feelinnnnnnng?”

The crowd cheered and Dean smiled. This was where he belonged and he knew it. He hated how he had almost lost it all to alcoholism.

“Yeah, I’m feelin the same. Ready to party all night?” he said as he held out the microphone to the audience. Another roar.

“Good. So you know we have a special surprise for those who are here tonight, right?”

He grinned his famous boyish grin, relishing in the joy of a million fans.

“Now, Y’all know my agent, Pamela, right? And you all know she cares more about you guys than she ever will about me!” Dean mocked hurt here and loved the “Awwww” it drew out from the crowd.

He laughed. “Yeah ok, so… she thought you all might like to hear my new song before its release due?”

The park went crazy in a loud roar and Dean took that as a yes. He turned to his bandmates, nodding at them.

“Shall we?”

He smiled when the notes started out playing and they weren’t sad anymore. Sure he still felt sad, he still had nightmares sometimes, and there were times he just wanted nothing else but to drown himself in alcohol as he had done before but this time he had Ben and Lisa by his side.

_“I used to rule the world_   
_Seas would rise when I gave the word_   
_Now in the morning I sleep alone_   
_Sweep the streets I used to own_   
  
_I used to roll the dice_   
_Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes_   
_Listen as the crowd would sing_   
_"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"_   
  
_One minute I held the key_   
_Next the walls were closed on me_   
_And I discovered that my castles stand_   
_Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand_   
  
_I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing_   
_Roman Cavalry choirs are singing_   
_Be my mirror, my sword and shield_   
_My missionaries in a foreign field_   
  
_For some reason I can't explain_   
_Once you go there was never_   
_Never an honest word_   
_And that was when I ruled the world_   
  
_It was the wicked and wild wind_   
_Blew down the doors to let me in_   
_Shattered windows and the sound of drums_   
_People couldn't believe what I'd become_   
  
_Revolutionaries wait_   
_For my head on a silver plate_   
_Just a puppet on a lonely string_   
_Oh, who would ever wanna be king?_   
  
_I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing_   
_Roman Cavalry choirs are singing_   
_Be my mirror, my sword and shield_   
_My missionaries in a foreign field_   
  
_For some reason I can't explain_   
_I know Saint Peter won't call my name_   
_Never an honest word_   
_But that was when I ruled the world_   
  
_Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh_   
  
_I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing_   
_Roman Cavalry choirs are singing_   
_Be my mirror, my sword and shield_   
_My missionaries in a foreign field_   
  
_For some reason I can't explain_   
_I know Saint Peter won't call my name_   
_Never an honest word_   
_But that was when I ruled the world…”_

He loved those lyrics. Who knows maybe someday he would be called by Saint Peter.

He liked how good it felt not to mourn over Cas anymore. Or Sam for that matter.

Everything was fine. He would be fine. Still hurt but fine.

Or so he thought before the huge curtains closed and he was faced with Sam’s face instead of Lisa.

He wanted so badly to go forward and hug his brother but he knew better than to do that. Sam had left him when he needed him the most. It didn’t matter how Dean had pushed him, he needed Sam and Sam had left. Unlike Lisa.

So he brushed past Sam and pretended like he didn’t even recognize the younger Winchester, calling for his stylist.

“Ruby, get your blond ass over here.” He really didn’t want to be mean but that girl was really getting on his nerves. He hated how good she actually was and that Pam said he ‘needed’ her.

“Dean?” Sam called from his back and Dean almost gave up at that moment. Almost.

“What do you want Sam?”

“My brother Dean.”

“Yeah? Well, he’s dead. It’s a new era.” Dean smirked.

“Dean… What the hell are you doing? Is it true?”

“What’s true Sammy? That I’m bisexual?” Dean mocked his brother. He could tell Sam was fighting so hard not to pull a bitch face.

“Dean! I’m talking about Lisa. Is it true? You guys are getting married!?”

“Ruby!! Where the hell are you?” Dean called again before turning back to face Sam.

“What if it is? What does it have to do with you? You didn’t care when I was dying, why would you care now? Don’t worry, you still get all the money I leave behind when my heart finally stops.”

Sam’s face was red now. Ok, maybe Dean had gone a little too far. But this was for the best.

Sam turned his back to Dean.

“I came here to make sure it was true or not, because Cas contacted me a few days ago and told me that he and Balthazar had heard rumors about your wedding. Not to mention the shock of me not being invited, or knowing for that matter, I wanted to make sure you weren’t doing this just to hurt Cas.”

Dean laughed. A little too hard maybe.

“Sam. You and Cas are both out of my life… And you should stay out too.”

And then Dean went to his room, shutting the door close before he could see the pain he had caused Sammy.

“Fuck…” He breathed out and let himself fall on the couch.

“Marrying Lisa! As if I could live with anyone but Cas. And even if I came around, Lisa would never want me like that. Not anymore.” He spoke to himself, not knowing that Ruby had came to check on his makeup and heard everything from behind his door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuki | I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please Kudos and Review! We’d love to hear your opinions!
> 
> Mida | OK so there were just TOO MANY songs in this chapter but eeeh thats literally my daily life. i suggest you listen to the songs to get the vibe of the chapter!:D here are the credits:  
> 1\. Losing my religion by R.E.M  
> 2\. Dreams for plans by Shakira  
> 3\. Save me by My darkest days (THIS SONG YOU PEOPLE!!!!)  
> 4\. Can't forget you by My darkest days  
> 5\. Guilt by Hurt  
> 6\. Viva la vida by Coldplay
> 
> Also, Special thanks to LillianaNil and Angels_rdvd64 for commenting on this story. Thank you so much!


	9. The Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a big change is coming...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida| OH MY GOD!!!! it has been TOO long. i am terribly sorry. i was dealing with so many crap and... well i guess i'm a complete failure now. i managed to fail 3 subjects this semester, and one, being the Electrical circuits, is gonna kill me to make up for. basically i can't take any other electrical subject at college before i pass this shit and it won't be given in the summer semester. yeah. doomed. my mom wants my head on a plate now. after my exams i lost my laptop to "the blue screen of death" and i still haven't gotten it back from the guaranty company. AND i managed to fuck up at AIESEC where i'm responsible, was actually, for the HR and TM. so basically i screwed everything up in my life.  
> i'm just sorry for this late chapter guys.

The Change

            **September 18 th , 2008**

Castiel looked at the menu in front of him and tried to look at least a little bit interested.

He hated how Balthazar was looking at him expectantly. He hated his ‘birthday party’. In fact he hated everything about this stupidly fancy life style he had grown up in. And the more he thought about this stupid night, the more he compared it to his 20th birthday party. The one where Dean had prepared a surprise party for him.

He missed the simplicity of being with Dean. Well, the life style was simple but the relationship had been anything but simple.

But most of all, he had grown to hate being the center of Balthazar’s show offs. What did he think Cas was? A talking peacock?

He smirked at himself inwardly when he remembered the first time he had been called that name.

Ok, wow. Guess he really did miss Dean. Not the now Dean of course. He missed the young bashful crazy Dean he had fallen for. The overconfident dickhead Dean.

“Cassie baby are you ready to order? We are all waiting for you.” Balthazar’s French accent pulled him out of his thoughts. He closed the menu and wore his plastic smile. God he hated that nickname.

“I’ll have the shrimp side of mushroom sauce and vegetables.”

It had been three years and he still wasn’t used to the dreading atmosphere of these dinners. The stiff powerful friends of Balthazar and their tag along bitches. It was sickening.

It hadn’t occur to him before Dean showed up that he too was a tag along for Balthazar. A precious partner to show off. And it made him feel sick to his stomach.

Just when he thought it couldn’t get worse Balthazar motioned for someone behind Castiel and some sad guitar notes started playing.

When the deep voice of the singer filled the place, Cas felt his heart break into pieces. He was fairly sure he didn’t want to hear the song.

“ _I think you can do much better than me_  
 _After all the lies that I made you believe_  
 _Guilt kicks in and I start to see_  
 _The edge of the bed_  
 _Where your pillows used to be_  
 _I told myself I won't miss you_  
 _But I remember_  
 _What it feels like beside you_  
  
 _I really miss your hair in my face_  
 _And the way your innocence tastes_  
 _And I think you should know this_  
 _You deserve much better than me_  
  
 _While looking through your old box of notes_  
 _I found those pictures I took_  
 _That you were looking for_  
 _If there's one memory I don't want to lose_  
 _That time at the mall_  
 _You and me in the dressing room_  
  
 _I told myself I won't miss you_  
 _But I remember_  
 _What it feels like beside you_

_I really miss your hair in my face_   
_And the way your innocence tastes_   
_And I think you should know this_   
_You deserve much better than me_   
  
_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder_   
_Wish I never would've said it's over_   
_And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older_   
_Cause we never really had our closure_   
_This can't be the end_   
  
_I really miss your hair in my face_   
_And the way your innocence tastes_   
_And I think you should know this_   
_You deserve much better than me_   
_I really miss your hair in my face_   
_And the way your innocence tastes_   
_And I think you should know this_   
_You deserve much better than me…”_

And the worst part was that Castiel DID remember that one memory. God knows how hard he had looked for those pictures. They were one of the best memories they had.

Castiel had needed some new clothes and a few Christmas gifts for his family and Dean had offered to take him to the mall. Somehow they had ended up in a stupid Burberry shop, and Castiel knew he wasn’t going to buy anything there while Dean was with him. And he still has no idea how 10 minutes later they were in the little dressing room and Dean had been all over him. He smiled remembering how annoyed he had been when Dean’s camera had flashed in his eyes. He had told Dean to cut it out but Dean had continued kissing him and taking pictures of his handy work. He had literally begged Dean not to blow his mind out right there and only the woman knocking on the little door had stopped him.

Then he had found that stupid trench coat and Dean hadn’t let him take it off. He had said some nonsense about it fitting Cas and just looking right on him. He still had that coat somewhere at the back of his closet.

He pushed back at his tears and looked at Balthazar hating how he had ruined his birthday. But Balthazar looked so happy. As if he had been trying to make Cas happy and he had no idea how sad and empty Cas felt right now.

That was when he came to himself and shut his mouth, nodding a little thanks to his boyfriend. He had tried hard to make Cas happy. Poor guy would never be enough and he knew it himself.

 

*                      *                      *

            January 20, 2009

Dean was sprawled on the couch in front of his big TV drinking cool juice and he was switching between channels. He stopped when he heard Bohemian Rhapsody. Or well, what was supposed to be Bohemian Rhapsody but this douche was ruining it.

“Oh come on now! Do you really have to ruin a classic to prove you’re original? I mean come on. You don’t mess with Queen.”

He shouted at the TV feeling pissed. Apparently it was American Idol or something. This wasn’t like the one Dean had been on. He smiled pleased when one of the judges told the douche he was theatrical. But soon grumbled again as they all gave him a yes.

And he had thought Crowley was a douche bag.

He wanted to change the channel again but decided against it as they interviewed the guy.

He was kind of cute if Dean was gonna be honest. And he had a very good voice, a trained voice.

“Oh you gotta be kidding me! Ryan Seacrest? How have I never watched this thing?”

He spoke to himself again. It was sad how the house felt empty without Ben jumping up and down. He and Lisa were on a holiday with this guy Lisa had just met. He was a doctor. Respectful. It was kind of ironic if you asked Dean.

He smirked as Ryan asked Adam who had inspired him to do this after 7 seasons. He expected one of those cheesy comments like my father.

His smirk froze when the guy, Adam, looked right at him and said “Dean Winchester”.

“What the hell?” he frowned at the cute boy. He had _inspired_ a person to go after his dream? Why? What was wrong with this guy?

Apparently he was the only one who felt like that because Ryan just laughed at the guy’s joke and then there came the commercials.

He sighed turning off the TV. Great. A new reason to put Dean Winchester under the microscope.

He better get ready to get confronted about this on his birthday party.

 

*                      *                      *

            January 24th, 2009

“Dean are you ready?” Lisa called from the bottom of the stairs.

“Yeah Lis, be there in a minute.” He shouted back fixing himself one last time in the mirror.

He turned around and hurried down the stairs where Lisa and Ben were waiting for him.

“Is everything ready? Everyone will be here in 20 minutes.” Lisa said fixing his collar. Dean smiled shying away from the touch and nodded.

“Yeah, punch, whiskey, beer, food, chips, lights, candles, glasses, plates… everything is ready. I had 4 days to prepare.” He Grinned proudly.

This night was special because he was having his birthday in his own house and he had prepared everything by his own. Not a lot of people were coming. It was just a party for him and those around him who cared for him.

And Sam of course.

Everyone had been pushing him to make peace with Sam and honestly he missed his little brother and Jess had called a few times telling Dean how Sam was acting like he was missing a piece of him.

Now that Dean was better and in a good situation he thought he could have Sam around. They were older now. Sam could take care of himself and so could Dean.

The doorbell went off and Dean jumped, pulling out of his thoughts and went to get it.

Speak of the devil. It was Sam. And Jess.

He stared at his brother remembering the last time they had talked and felt ashamed of himself.

Sam just stared back and didn’t make any attempt. He looked lost and sad. Ouch.

“Dean. Happy birthday you stupid old man.” Finally Jess broke the awkward silence.

“Jess. Hey! Thank you and thanks for coming.”

He fixed his stare back at Sam, smiling.

“Hey ya Sammy!”

That seemed to break something deep in Sam. He stepped forward, pulling Dean in a bone crashing hug.

Dean held his brother tight and relished in the smell that was pure Sam.

“God, it’s good to see you again little brother.”

Sam smiled pulling away from his big brother.

  
"Right back atcha Dean... I can’t believe this...I thought..."  
  
"I know Sammy... I’m sorry... I kinda took everything too far..."  
  
"I’m sorry too...I shouldn’t have listened to you when you were in that state...I’m your brother, I’d die for you... I can’t believe I left you alone..."  
  
"Well I kinda didn’t leave you any other choice, right?"  
  
Jess cleared her throat.  
  
"You mind if we continue this inside? I’m kinda tired ‘cause we had this flight and then the drive and..."  
  
Dean smirked.   
  
"Ok, ok!! I get it! Get inside you two. It’s so good to see you here after so long... I made Sammy's old room for you to stay in."   
  
Dean smiled. For the first time in a long time he felt good! Sammy was home.   
  
"Oh and Dean, by the way..."   
  
Dean looked at Sam who was now standing at the stares.  
  
"Happy birthday bro!"  
  
Dean smirked.  
  
"You think you’re gonna get away with just a happy birthday? I want presents Sam Winchester!"

*                      *                      *

 “So Dean, I hear you saw that Adam guy saying you’re his hero. How do you feel about that?”

Came the unsurprisingly disturbing accent of his producer.

“Balthazar.” Dean gave him the coldest smile ever.

“I’m glad you made it tonight.”

Balthazar grinned. Boy Dean hated this guy. He could just feed his guts to a goat and watch with pleasure. Or maybe he could chop his head off and throw it in front of wolves? He had to put more thought into it.

“So, do you know him? Cas was really curious if you know what I mean.”

Dean did not growl. No sir. He just didn’t.

“I don’t know him…” he said through clenched teeth. “What the hell is wrong with you Balthazar? Do you enjoy this stupid game? Why can’t you let us live in peace? Why do you have to make everything like hell?”

“Because Dean, you think I’m an idiot? Castiel doesn’t love me. He’s so obsessed with you… I just don’t understand it. Why does he love you so much Dean? I’m 100 times better than you. I’m from his species you might say… while you’re… you’re just you, a spitting image of failure.”

Dean was really trying hard not to punch this bitch.

“Well, what can I say? I’d like to think it’s because of my perky nipples.”

“Keep joking Winchester, truth is as much as Cas loves you, he’s still with me…”

Dean was gonna start shouting when Sam’s voice cut his trail of thoughts.

“Balthazar. Leave my brother alone. I don’t care what Cas thinks he’s doing with a junk-less asshole like you but I can tell you one thing. No one talks to my brother like that, you hear me? No one. Now leave… before I do something you’re gonna regret.”

Dean grinned feeling proud. Sammy was standing up for him and suddenly nothing else in the world mattered to him anymore.

He turned his back on Balthazar and smiled calmly at his little brother.

“Let it go Sammy, he ain’t worth it.”

Sam’s jaw was still clenched but he nodded at Dean and walked with him to the food table.

“Wow he’s one real son of a bitch.”

And that was the last time they mentioned Balthazar that night.

*                      *                      *

Castiel opened the door and walked in his apartment sighing. He was exhausted and would kill to get into a bath of hot water.

He jumped when someone cleared his throat from the couch in the darker side of the room.

“Balthazar. What are you doing here?”

“What? I’m not allowed to surprise my boyfriend? Cas…”

“I’ve told you not to call me that! And you knew I had the shift for the last 24 hours and I’m very tired. I would appreciate it if you left and let me rest in peace.”

He was tired but honestly he knew he wouldn’t get any sleep tonight anyway. He just needed space and peace.

It was Dean’s birthday today. They had grown one year older apart from each other. And it still hurt like the very first day. He didn’t need Dean’s lyrics ‘ _whoever said this pain would ever go away didn’t know what it meant to be here without you.’_ to know he felt the same way.

This wasn’t just something they were going to get used to. The only difference between the two was that Dean let it all out through his songs and Cas only took it all in.

Kind of a shame when your favorite singer is your ex lover.

“Castiel!!” Balthazar called him as if he had been talking for a while without Castiel listening to him.

He put his stuff on his coffee table and turned to face his boyfriend.

“What do you want Balthazar?”

“What do I want? I want you to forget that asshole who didn’t even care enough to stay. Hell he didn’t even fight for you…”

And then it clicks for Cas. Balthazar had gone to Dean’s party.

“I told you not to bother him anymore Balthazar.” He growled angrily.

“You did. Twice. Good for you!!”

“What do you want from me? I never asked you to stay with me. I never kept this shit from you. you knew exactly how I felt. You think I don’t want to forget him? you think this is easy for me? What have you even done to help me? You played his song, the one he sang for ME, on my fucking birthday! You confront him at every chance you get and you keep bringing him up. So tell me Balthazar what do you exactly expect me to do?”

 “I expect you to make peace with the fact that that hairless ape is now working for me. I want my boyfriend to be by my side at parties.”

Castiel could feel his blood boiling.

“Well I’m sorry but I believe the hairless ape has the floor. I’m not your fucking statue you assbutt. I’m not here so you can show off. I’m tired and sick of your fancy stupid games, your rubbish parties and friends. For years I tried to run from the hell I grew up in and you pulled me right back in it. I’ve had it up to here with you.”

Castiel stopped to catch his breath. He hadn’t felt this angry in years. He wanted to cause pain, make this man in front of him pay for everything that was wrong in his life.

“Cas...”

 “DO NOT CALL ME THAT!”

Castiel growled with a handful of Balthazar’s shirt. he wanted so bad to just punch him. but he took a breath and let go, pushing him back and turning away.

“Just leave.”

“Cas… Castiel! Please…”

“Dammit Balthazar just leave me alone.”

And he did.

*                      *                      *

February 25th , 2009

Adam smiled as the screams rushed through his ears. He just loved all this attention. This is where he belonged. He pushed passed the flashing cameras and entered the studio.

“Adam, you’re next with Ryan.” Came the voice and Adam turned to face Alison. He flashed a grin and nodded.

“Thanks.”

She smiled back.

“No problem.”

It was amazing how they had clicked so fast. He loved her like a sister and she knew about his massive crush on Dean. Her words, not his.

He knew what he felt was love. It wasn’t just that he liked his taste of music, or the originality of his work, the quality or even the good looks he possessed. It was the person beneath all that.

He took a breath and sat on the big couch beside Ryan.

“So, you know how this goes?” Ryan asked.

Apparently they were still on commercials. He nodded.

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

“Good.”

“Alright people, we’re on in 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1.”

“Welcome back, this is American idol and were almost through with the second group of our top 32. Last up is the 27 year old Adam Lambert. Now before he hits the stage I want to ask him a question that I know many people want to know the answer to. Adam, how are you doing?”

Adam winked, waving at the camera.

“Couldn’t do better Ryan, what about you?”

“Amazing. So… you probably know what I’m gonna ask of you, right?”

“I can have a close guess.”

“We all know you’re a big fan of Dean Winchester, so tell me, have you ever met him?”

“Unfortunately Ryan, no. I never had the chance. I mean sure I’ve been to his concerts but I never really tried to make contact. I mean you don’t want you first impression on your idol to be hysterical screams, right?”

That pulled another set of laughter out of the audience.

“Very understandable. I’m sure Dean will watch this… sometime… so you got anything special to tell him?”

“Well just that he’s the reason why I’m here. It’ll be very cool to meet him someday. A dream come true I’d say.”

Ryan smiled, clapping his back.

“Well I hope you do. Now let’s get you to perform. Good luck buddy.”

“Thanks Ryan.”

*                      *                      *

“Fuck.” Dean breathed out staring at the TV. Ok now he was deep in shit. He knew how this went and apparently Adam did too. Dean had to give it to the guy, he was smart.

Adam started singing and Dean found himself lost in the act.

“Wow, he’s actually good.” he said to no one.

 _“I can get no satisfaction,_  
 I can get no satisfaction,  
but I try, and I try, and I try…

_I Can get no, I Can get no…_

_When I’m driving in my car…”_

His phone started ringing and he turned the TV down, trying to block out the half smile Adam was wearing. The dude was just hot.

Of course he didn’t need the caller ID to know it was Pam.

“Pam, ‘sup?”

“Hey Dean, did you see it?”

Dean rolled his eyes at no one.

“Sure did.”

“So? You’re gonna go right?”

“Pam, you know I hate talent shows. I can’t do it again. Go and smile for the cameras, pretending like everything’s peachy.”

“Dean it’s just one week. You’re gonna go there and be their mentor for one week. You know how good it will be for your career? You’ll be compared to people like Smokey Robinson! Plus Nigel is willing to pay good amounts to have you there.”

“I bet he is! You know he’s gonna make ten times more for making that boy’s dream come true.”

“So what? You know how cool it will be for your fans to see you up there? Come on Dean! this will be a win-win situation for everyone!”

“You’re not gonna accept no for an answer are ya?”

“Nah!”

“I don’t know Pam. Seems to me this dude is using me to get attention.”

“Dean I expect more of you. I think we both know he’s not lying. Plus even if he is, so what? When did you get so selfish?”

Dean sighed.

“Fine Pam. Fine. Tell ‘em I’ll do it.”

“That’s my boy.” Pamela laughed a little.

“Hey, by the way, how are you?”

“Fine. Why?”

“Still not using the medication?”

“Pam! I said I’m fine, alright? Get off my back.”

“Fine. It’s not like I get worried or anything.”

“Pam, I’m sorry! But I’m ok, alright?”

“Alright, you take care boy, ok?”

“Yeah, you too…”

Dean hung up.

“Ugh dammit.”

He really hated talent shows.

*                      *                      *

March 10th 2009

“Dean I got the drinks. Bring the damn Cheetos.”

“Sam, I think we could have used beer.”

“Shut up Dean! I’m not letting you near any kind of alcohol ever again.” Came the response.

Dean glanced a look at Jess who was putting chips in the bowl.

“Don’t give me that look Dean Winchester. Sam is right.”

“How did I end up with two moms?”

“Oh shut up you whiny baby.” Jess said before leaving the kitchen.

It kind of hurt how normal and fun this felt. He still couldn’t believe he had let Sam go for so long. He was dead without Sammy around.

“There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you!” He whispered to himself following Jess to the TV room.

“Alright, let’s see your lover boy Dean.”

Dean smacked Sam at the back of his head.

“Shut up.”

“Alright, alright!” Sam laughed, leaning back to the couch.

“Last week on the wildcard show, the judges dropped a bomb. The top 12 are now the top 13. It is their time to shine. We’ve made it to the big stage, we are live, THIS is American Idol.”

Ryan said on the TV before the music started.

“You still have a crush on Ryan?” Sam asked, ducking to avoid another smack.

“SAM!”

“What? Everyone knows you’re hot for him.”

“Fuck you Sam.”

They all laughed settling back to watch.

“Tonight’s theme, the music of the one and only, Michael Jackson.”

“Holy crap. Michael? They’re doing Michael?” Dean couldn’t keep in his excitement. It was a little embarrassing really.

The sixth guy was cool. Kris Allen. Dean would vote for the guy. He was solid and confident.

“Wow she’s good. 16? You gotta be kidding me.” Dean said when this girl, Alison came on.

“Yeah, she’s really good.” Sam agreed.

“Where’s lover boy?” Jess asked and Dean gave her the stink eye.

“What? It’s true!!”

“Shut up.” Dean stuck his tongue out.

“Wow, that is one hot chick! Megan? I’m totally voting.” He said collecting his phone. “And she actually sounds awesome.”

Sam looked at Jess and smirked. Typical Dean.

“I mean just look at her tattoo…”

“Alright, he struggled to make it here for years, say hi to Adam…” Ryan said and Jess cheered.

“Heeey here’s lover boy.” Of course she met Dean’s middle finger in response.

“I grew up in San Diego, California but right after high school I moved here to Hollywood. I just decided that I would dive right in and try to see what will happen to me in the entertainment industry. And honestly, it’s… it’s a struggle to make it as an artist in this business. Then there was Dean Winchester and I knew I had to follow in his footsteps. So… here I am.”

Dean felt his cheeks burn. Damn this dude.

“Being here in Hollywood has definitely given me a little bit of a thicker skin. Had this opportunity presented itself maybe about 5 years ago, I probably would have crumbled under the pressure really fast.  This is the big dream… so if it comes true I’ll be… I’ll be thrilled…”

“Alright so he’s hot… I guess? If you’re into that kind of thing?” Sam teased Dean and Dean threw the cushion at him making him shut up.

“Singing for the first time on the big stage, this is black and white, it is Adam Lambert.” Ryan said and Adam started singing.

Dean found himself praising the guy for his song choice. The song suited him well. And he really liked the guy’s style. Not something he would try himself but the style suited him too.

And he was hot. He knew what he was doing. You could tell he had a theatrical background though. All the facial expressions and body moves. He was hot alright.

“Holy crap, he sure has the voice.” Sam said honestly, not messing around for the first time that night.

“Tell you what, he knows exactly what he’s doing…” Dean said. He found himself respecting the guy.  

And it seemed that all the others agreed too. Paula was practically jumping up and down. Even Cowel liked him. Huh.

He had to wait till tomorrow night to see what people thought of him. He was voting for sure.

*                      *                      *

Dean was staring at the TV chewing at his lips. The results were in. He still remembered his time on elimination nights. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. You had no idea, or control over what would happen to you. It was brutal.

He still got stressed thinking about it.

“The next hour will change the lives of these 13 people. Even though they made it this far, tonight we unleash a double elimination. Which two people got the lowest number of votes? And what is this new rule, all about?”

“Shit…” Dean breathed out. A double elimination? That just sucked.

Ryan continued.

“These are your results, and this is American Idol.”

 Dean reached for his glass of juice and smirked as they revealed the new rule. So the judges got to save somebody. It was smart.

He kind of missed his days at the competition. Yeah, those 3 asshole sure gave him hell but… he had friends there too. Over all it had been fun. He still remembered his first audition. He had still been thinking about Castiel. He was the only one brave enough to sing an original track.

Later it was released in his first album. He remembered everyone liking it but Crowley. That asshole had told him he was an idiot for singing an original song.

He wondered if Cas had been watching it at the time? Did he know Dean had never stopped writing about him?

 _“_ _Where, where are the stars?_

_The one that we used to call ours_

_Can't imagine it now_

_We used to laugh till we fell down_

_The secrets we had, now in the past_

_From something to nothing, tell me_

_How did we lose our way?_

_It's hard to remember, all that we shared_

_Now we both have separate lives_

_From lovers to strangers, now alone_

_There's no one catching my fall_

_No one to hear my call_

_It's like I never loved you at all_

_Now you're so far away_

_And I see our star is fading_

_One too many times_

_Guess it just got tired of waiting around_

_The night that we thought, if these walls could talk_

_From something to nothing, tell me_

_How did we lose our way?_

_It's hard to remember, all that we shared_

_Now we both have separate lives_

_From lovers to strangers, now alone_

_There's no one catching my fall_

_No one to hear my call_

_It's like I never loved you_

_So now does he give you love_

_Oh, Is it only me now that's thinking of, what we had and what we were_

_Oh, Did you ever care, baby was I ever there?_

_How did we lose our way?_

_It's hard to remember, all that we shared_

_Now we both have separate lives_

_From lovers to strangers, now alone_

_Tell me how, did we lose our way_

_It's hard to remember, all that we've shared_

_Now we both have separate lives_

_From lovers to strangers, now alone_

_There's no one catching my fall_

_No one to hear my call_

_It's like I never loved you at all_

_It's like I never loved you at all_

_”_

He just realized it now, he had never sang this one live.

Dammit Winchester, stop thinking about Castiel. What’s past is past.

Ok, this was fun, poor guy, was it Matt? Ryan called him and he jumped to go to the center of the stage. Dean laughed out loud.

Ok so, Danny, Alison, Kris, and of course Adam are safe. Oh and Megan too. He liked her.

He smiled when Kelly stepped on the stage. The very first idol. He had never met her in person but she was cool. He had heard so much about her. He snorted again when Ryan started singing. He wished he had seen Ryan more often.

The episode finished and he let out a breath.

He still didn’t know which week was his turn to go and mentor these poor beings.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok... the bomb is out of it's shell... so... what do you guys think?
> 
> here are the original credits of the used songs:  
> 1\. Better than me - Hinder  
> 2\. Like i never loved you at all - Take that


	10. American Idol?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking about American Idol sends Dean back in his memories.. He wishes they were more pleasant memories...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida| Hi guyyyyys! it's been so long. i am terribly sorry about this, i've been really busy with life. i'm not gonna get into details but just so you know, i'm a survivor of depression now. I had to deal with my darkest corners of mind and i was in no shape to be writing such delicate chapter. as you all know, I'm starting a new relationship for Dean just when Cas broke it off with Balthazar. so for a change, the roles are gonna be reversed now. BUT don't think everything will be peachy. you know the silence before the storm? well, these next 3-4 chapters will be like that. so, don't get too comfy.  
> now, for this chapter i wanna thank my baby, the girl who saved me from myself, Anne. baby this is for you. Thanks for making me believe again when i was almost done with life. :)  
> oh and guys please listen to The memory - Mayday Parade while u read the chapter. :D

 

                       March 17th, 2009

Dean was working on his new song, slowly strumming down his guitar. He had another 30 minutes before the show started. He was becoming an addict to that silly little show.

He wrote the last few notes down and nodded satisfied. It was a sad song but he couldn't help it. Ever since he remembered his first audition, he couldn't shake Cas off his mind. He missed the blue eyes. Hell at this point he even missed the fights they had.

He took a deep breath and started playing the song one last time for himself, so he could put it aside to show it to Lisa later. Just like every other night these days she was out with the doctor. He was actually waiting for her to tell him that she was going to move out.Somehow Lisa’s relationship with the doctor had become something serious when Dean wasn't looking, too preoccupied to notice how the flirty glances turned into something more. He shook his head playing the song one last time for himself.

 _"I, I who have nothing  
_ _I, I who have no one  
_ _Adore you, and want you so  
_ _I'm just a no one  
_ _With nothing to give you  
_ _But Ooh, I love you”_

Dean glanced at the sheets and changed a high note that felt too early in the song.

 _“He, He buys you diamonds  
_ _Bright sparkling diamonds  
_ _But believe me, boy, when I say  
_ _That he could give you the world  
_ _But he'll never love you the way  
_ _That I love you…”_

He took a deep breath. Man, he hated Balthazar so damn much. He could just start swearing at this point of the song. something along the lines of “He’s an asshole and a son of a bitch, he can never buy enough colognes to make that disappear.” he knew better than to even try though. Only Ceelo Green could swear in a song and get away with it.

 _“He can take you anyplace you want  
_ _To fancy clubs and restaurants  
_ _But I can only watch you with  
_ _My nose pressed up against the window pane  
_ _Ooo Yeah... Yeah  
_ _I,I who have nothing  
_ _I Who have no one  
_ _Must watch you  
_ _Go passing by  
_ _Wrapped in the arms of somebody else  
_ _When darling it's I  
_ _Who loves you…”_

Why couldn’t he ever go and tell these to Cas? Why had he never tried harder? Why was it so hard for Cas to understand that it was Dean who was in love with him… He’d probably never figure any of it out.

 _“I want to be the one that you just can't live without  
_ _I want to be the one that you never feel no doubt  
_ _I want to be the one that you let give you the lovin'  
_ _But, I have nothing  
_ _I want to be the one that you always want to be near  
_ _I want to say the words that your body and soul need to hear  
_ _I want to be the one that you let give you all the lovin'  
_ _But I have nothing …"_

His phone started ringing as he put down his guitar and reached to change some little details about the song. One quick glance towards the phone and he knew it was Pam. He was so not in the mood for her. He’d call her back later.

Minutes later he set his guitar aside and picked up the remote control, turning the volume up. The show had started. Country week. Of course it was! This one had to be cool. It was actually good to have a distraction these days.

“First off, wanna wish everybody a happy Saint Patrick day.” Ryan said and Dean spat out his water. Fuck. He had totally forgotten about this day. That was probably why his phone had been going crazy all day. Not that he’d answered anyone anyway. He knew Sam would call him after he came back from work later that night.

Huh… his baby brother was a full on lawyer now. It was kind of cute. 

He wasn’t really paying attention much till Kris came on stage. His performance reminded him of his own on the second week. It had been the first time for him to put down his guitar. For it had been the Elvis week. And he had sang “Always on my mind”. He could still remember his own tears. That was the moment everyone started noticing the “Hot boy with emotions”. Man he hated that phrase. 

He’d always wanted to be as big as Elvis. He wanted his songs to still be heard years after he died. Sadly he’d never know if he succeeded or not.

It was Adam’s turn and Randy looked like he had been punched in the guts. Dean snorted when he heard his reaction to Adam’s nail polish. Well, till now everyone thought he was nice so maybe… Dean stopped himself there. No maybes till he met Adam himself.

_“Love is a burning thing_   
_And it makes a fiery ring._   
_Bound by wild desire_   
_I fell into a ring of fire._   
  
_I fell into a burning ring of fire,_   
_I went down, down, down as the flames went higher_   
_And it burns, burns, burns,_   
_The ring of fire, the ring of fire._   
  
_The taste of love is sweet_   
_When hearts like ours meet._   
_I fell for you like a child,_   
_Oh, but the fire went wild._   
  
_I fell into a burning ring of fire,_   
_I went down, down, down as the flames went higher_   
_And it burns, burns, burns,_   
_The ring of fire, the ring of fire._   
  
_I fell into a burning ring of fire,_   
_I went down, down, down as the flames went higher_   
_And it burns, burns, burns,_   
_The ring of fire, the ring of fire._   
  
_And it burns, burns, burns,_   
_The ring of fire, the ring of fire,_   
_The ring of fire, the ring of fire.”_

_Dean found himself a little breathless at the acts. They messy hair, with spikes of green and blue, the piercing blue eyes, the full lips … and in the middle he even glimpsed a bit of the tanned skin on the boy’s belly.  The whole performance made his breath come out short and he was really, really attracted to Adam. This was not good. Not good at all. Sure it wasn’t country but it had the feeling of some old Led Zeppelin songs to it._

He booed Simon when he started smashing Adam with his words.

“Not cool dude! Not cool! He was good and you have to admit…”

He jumped, mid-sentence, when his phone started ringing and he leaned forward fetching it from the table. Sure enough, it was Sammy.

“Hey ya Sammy.” He breathed out still a bit breathless.

“Hey lover boy. How are you?”

“Shut up!” Dean spat back, but his smile was showing in his voice.

“Yeah, love you too bro. Happy Saint Patrick’s day.”

Dean’s smile turned to a grin.

“You too Sammy. How’s Jess? You two ok?”

“Yeah, what about you? You ok? Still not drinking I hope?”

“Oh come on! Of course not. I’m not crazy you know…”

“Ok fine! Sorry I’m worried about my big brother.”

Dean rolled his eyes.

“Did you see him? Is he good or what?”

Sam pulled yet another roll of eyes from Dean.

“Yes I saw him. He’s… he’s good.”

“Good? Dean come on! He’s not good, he’s awesome. He kinda reminds me of you.”

“Oh come on Sam! Now you’re comparing him to me?”

Dean whined.

“You know I’m right! I can feel you already like him!”

“Fuck you! Stop pushing your nose up my ass bitch!”

Dean said, his humor showing in the vibrating tone of his voice, he was trying hard not to laugh out loud.

“Shut up jerk! You know I’m right.”

“Oh go away I wanna sleep.”

“Again, I love you too. You got any idea when you’re on?”

“No, not yet.”

Dean paused.

“But Pam called earlier. Maybe she has news. I’ll call her back when I can… You and Jess gonna come see me this weekend?”

Man, he hated sounding this needy. But he missed the Sasquatch more than he was willing to admit.

“Yeah Dean, we’ll see you on Saturday. You keep safe ok?”

Dean smiled.

“You too kiddo. Say hi to Jess.”

He put the phone aside and smiled as he leaned back on the couch.

“Oh come on! Really?” he muttered as the Indian guy started singing always on my mind. Couldn’t he get one fucking hour of peace without an image of Cas overshadowing his life?

_“Maybe I didn't treat you_   
_Quite as good as I should have_   
_Maybe I didn't love you_   
_Quite as often as I could have_   
_Little things I should have said and done_   
_I just never took the time_   
  
_You were always on my mind_   
_You were always on my mind_   
  
_Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died_   
_Give me, give me one more chance_   
_To keep you satisfied, satisfied_   
  
_Maybe I didn't hold you_   
_All those lonely, lonely times_   
_And I guess I never told you_   
_I'm so happy that you're mine_   
_If I make you feel second best_   
_Girl, I'm sorry I was blind_   
  
_You were always on my mind_   
_You were always on my mind_   
  
_Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died_   
_Give me, give me one more chance_   
_To keep you satisfied, satisfied_   
  
_Little things I should have said and done_   
_I just never took the time_   
_You were always on my mind_   
_You are always on my mind_   
_You are always on my mind…”_

Dean sighed and turned the TV off. Whatever. He needed to call Pam and then go to sleep.

He fished hi phone and dialed his agent, and sure enough she picked up before the third ring.

“Dean! Where the fuck have you been?”

Dean sighed dramatically.

“Home! ‘was working on a new song. What’s up?”

“Nigel’s agent called. They want you to go in for top 8. You game?”

“Do I have any other choice?”

“Not from where I see…”

“Yeah…that’s what I thought!”

Dean mumbled.

“Dean… that’s not the only reason I called…”

“What now?” Dean almost whined.

“Balthazar… he called and… he said he’s not going to extend your contract.”

“WHAT?”

Ok. This was just… he’d always known that Balthazar was an asshole but this was just…

“WHY?”

“Seriously? You need to ask why?”

“Yeah Pam. If this is about Ca…, him, then why did it take Balthazar so many years to realize he’s not cool with the situation?”

“Dean… I don’t know, ok? All I know is that your, our, best chance is that you behave on Idol and I’m pretty sure Sony will take you on. Just, please…”

“Yeah, Pam. I got it. Behave! Jeez!! It’s not like I’m a crazy asshole or something.”

Pam snorted in a way that indicated she didn’t think of Dean any less than a crazy asshole. Whatever.

“If you’re done making fun of me, I’m gonna go and sleep.” Dean said annoyed.

“Alright you big baby. Don’t forget, you’re on for top 8, ok?”

“Send me an e-mail so it goes on my calendar.”

Dean hung up before Pam could get the chance to protest.

He tried not to think about why Balthazar had backed off, and honestly he could care less. He needed to sleep.

 

*                             *                             *

                March 21st, 2009

Adam took a deep breath shaking his hands by his side. He still couldn’t believe he was gonna meet Smokey Robinson, was that just awesome or what. He made sure he was wearing his smile before going into the room.

He was really stressed, considering Randy’s reaction from last week. And it didn’t help that he kept dreaming about Dean. He wasn’t really surprised about his wet dreams starring the guy though. He’s roommates with Kris and honestly the guy is the only one Adam feels attracted to in the whole group and to top all the frustration, not only he’s straight, he’s also married! He was being sexually tortured. Not fun.

Smokey was smiling at him when Adam entered the room so he stepped forward, shaking the older man’s hand.

“Hi, I’m Adam…” he said, his voice a little shaky. Ok where the hell was the confident Adam Lambert now that he needed to make an impression?

“Hello Adam, it’s nice to see you here.” Smokey fixed him with a scanning look.

“You ready?”

Adam bit his lip. Why the hell did he choose a Smokey song? He cleaned his sweaty hand on his thigh, gripping the piano with his other hand.

“I’m really nervous right now.” Adam laughed shakily.

“That’s ok, what you gonna sing?”

“Yeah I mean this is your song. One of your songs… um… tracks of my tears!”

“Oh, fantastic.” Smokey said kindly. “Go on then, lemme see what you got boy.”

Adam took in a deep breath and nodded at the guy behind the piano. He started singing and slowly the nerves left his body. This is it, isn’t it? This feeling is why he wants to do this. He belongs in the music world. If only…

The song finished and Smokey looked happy with it.

“Including me, everyone I ever heard sing it, um, it…it’s sorta like pushing doors, and it goes up, and especially when you get to the ending it’s like ‘America look at my face’. But you just kept it tender and sweet and soft and I’ve never heard it done like that.” Smokey said in his usual enthusiasm moving his hands all over the place and Adam felt on top of the world.

“Awesome… uh, well I wanted to ask you, what inspired you to write it?” Adam asked. He wanted to know if he chose the song for the right reasons. He needed to show his softer side. The side from years before… Years before, when his boyfriend…

No he can’t think about that now. Not now.

“I thought about what if a person had cried so much, until if you got really close up to them and looked them in their face, you could see that the tears have left tracks on their face…” Smokey said looking closely at his face and Adam closed his eyes.

“oooff…” he breathe out shaking his head. Don’t think about him, not now. He told himself and tried to look like he was only thinking about Smokey’s words.

When he got out of the room, he knew he had chosen the right song. This was his way of showing Dean he wasn’t just some happy kid who knows nothing about real life and how hard it can get. He could show Dean how they had so much more than just music in common. That is of course if Dean watched the show.

 

*                             *                             *

                March 24th, 2009

Dean sat down on the couch handing Pam her beer and smiled as he spotted Adam on the stage, looking amazingly different. He had styled his hair back and was wearing a grey suit. It was refreshing to watch him like that, sitting in the dim lights.

“Wow, you really do like him don’t you? I thought Sam was just pulling shit on you again the other night but…”

“Oh for heaven’s sake, shut up!” Dean groaned and leaned back to his couch listening to Adam.

_“People say I'm the life of the party_   
_'Cause I tell a joke or two_   
_Although I might be laughing loud and hearty_   
_Deep inside I'm blue_

_So take a good look at my face_   
_You'll see my smile looks out of place_   
_If you look closer, it's easy to trace_   
_The tracks of my tears_

_Outside I'm masquerading_   
_Inside my hope is fading_   
_Just a clown ooh yeah since you put me down_   
_My smile is my makeup_   
_I wear since my break up with you_

_Baby, baby, baby… take a good look at my face_   
_You'll see my smile looks out of place_   
_If  look closer, it's easy to trace_   
_The tracks of my tears_

_I need you… I need you… I need …”_

Dean took a deep breath staring at the screen. He felt so… ok maybe, just maybe, Adam was more than what he’d given him credit for. Dean was absolutely out of breath. Those last high notes had left him speechless. Everything about that performance moved him to his very cores. He felt the lyrics seep into his veins and clench his heart.

He was now very excited to meet this guy. He wasn’t stupid, he knew when a person was faking their emotions but Adam… Dean wanted to know what, or who, had hurt Adam so hard that he’d poured his soul out in the song like that.

 

*                             *                             *

                March 30th, 2009

Castiel was really trying not to feel so hollow but it was getting harder by second.

Days had gone by and Dean had never called. Castiel knew he must have heard about his break up with Balthazar and this meant that Dean was not interested anymore.

Honestly, he didn’t know what he’d been expecting anyway.

Dean had a life now and Castiel wasn’t a part of it, not anymore. He didn’t know who was to blame for that, Dean or him, and honestly? He didn’t care. He just wanted this Dean shaped hole inside his heart gone.

As much as it hurt to admit, Castiel knew Dean was over him now, building a new life away from him, or alcohol. For that, he was grateful. He knew his beloved deserved the peace. And just as well, he knew he had no right to go back and ask Dean to take him back. It wasn’t fair to either of them.

So he took all there was left for him to take. He bought all of Dean’s singles and albums, every music video and interview he could get a hold of. He downloaded every performance and started catching up on the years he’d missed, spending time with his love. Between the endless chain of operations and half eaten meals, there was only Dean and his voice to comfort his aching heart.

He knew well enough this was beyond masochism, but for the life of him, he couldn’t find it in himself to give a damn. The Dean he was spending time with, was still very much in love with Castiel, his every word was meant for Cas… words he had spent years trying to avoid, no matter how much he loved Dean’s songs. Except for the occasional singles that he hadn’t been able to avoid, the rest was new to him.

Everyone knew the only way into Dean’s head was through his songs, and for that Cas considered himself lucky. He now got to learn his ex-lover in and out once again.

He didn’t know which hurt more to watch, Dean’s early performances on the talent show, or his later works, specifically after that drunk-dial session they’d had. “The guilt” really shook him badly and he could tell from the live performances, Dean was not sober in most of them. The numb pain was clear in his eyes and Cas knew it indicated more than just the heart break from him.

That day, when he got back from work, he put his ITunes on shuffle and started his everyday routine. There were still new songs for him to listen to, and it amazed him how much really Dean had in him.

He started cooking some chicken for his supper while listening when a song he didn’t know came on shuffle, and from the very first note he knew this would wreck him.

“ _He is everywhere I go, everyone I see_  
 _the winter’s gone and I still can’t sleep_  
 _Summer’s on the way, at least that’s what they say_  
 _but these clouds won’t leave…”_

Castiel tried to take a deep breath. Every damn word just _hurt_ like fire burning through his veins. He left the pan on fire and took his IPod reading the name of the song again and again. “The memory”.

_“Walk away, I’m barely breathing_   
_as I’m lying on the floor_   
_take my heart as you’re leaving_   
_I don’t need it anymore…”_

 The bass picked up and with every beat Cas could feel his world cracking. He could picture Dean, his every tear shed on this song, every drop of alcohol he had gulped to write these words, play these notes. He could hear the pain in his baby’s voice, and God help him, he wanted to die at that second. He was pretty sure he couldn’t take much more of this.

_“This is the memory_   
_This is the curse of having_   
_Too much time to think about it_   
_It's killing me_   
_This is the last time_   
_This is my forgiveness_   
_This is endless…”_

Cas sank down to his knees against the wall, pulling them to his chest and curled in on himself. His tears were burning his eyes just as his thoughts were burning his brain. Maybe if he hadn’t been so busy pushing Dean away, being angry at him, things were different now. He knew better than anyone else that Dean would never come and beg when Cas was still with Balthazar. He was trying to ignore the little voice in his head, telling him Dean actually HAD begged him to leave Balthazar. He might have been drunk, but he was Dean all the same. But all he had done was push him away.

“ _Now spring has brought the rain_  
 _But I still see your face_  
 _And I can not escape the past_  
 _Creeping up inside_  
 _Reminding me that I_  
 _Can never bring you back_  
  
 _This is the memory_  
 _This is the curse of having_  
 _Too much time to think about it_  
 _It's killing me_  
 _This is the last time_  
 _This is my forgiveness_  
 _This is endless”_

Castiel felt his tears wash his face as he let out the sobs that had been suffocation him for months. He could feel every word cut through his heart with a knife.

_“Someone help me_   
_'Cause the memory_   
_Convinced itself to tear me apart_   
_And it's gonna succeed before long_   
  
_This is the memory_   
_This is the curse of having_   
_Too much time to think about it_   
_It's killing me_   
_This is the last time_   
_This is my forgiveness_   
_This is endless_   
_This is endless”_

Castiel knew the next words by his heart already. He was one of the only two people in this world who knew exactly what those words meant. The memory was going to be the last of him…  
  
 _“Someone help me_  
 _'Cause the memory_  
 _Convinced itself to tear me apart_  
 _And it's gonna succeed before long_  
  
 _He is everywhere I go, everyone I see_  
 _But these clouds won't leave…”_

He didn't even stop after the house was filled with smoke and the smell of burned chicken. He let the alarm go off and the artificial rain washed over him. He needed a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by tradition you can find the song credits here. and BTW guys, DO listen to the songs. it will give u a better perspective of how emotional they are. :D  
> IN this chapter we had:  
> 1)I who have nothing - Haley Reinhart's version from Idol season 11  
> 2)Ring of fire - Adam Lambert's version from Idol season 8  
> 3)Always on my mind - Elvis (:'( yes i hate myself for this one too!)  
> 4)Tracks of my tears - Adam Lambert's version from Idol season 8  
> 5)The memory - Mayday Parade (PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS WHILE READING THE CAS PART!!!!)


	11. What do ya want from me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mida| Hi guyyyyys! it's been so long. AGAIN! This chapter is fun!:3 have fun!:D

 

April 3rd, 2009

 _Castiel was drowning in a swamp and Dean was held back, tied to a tree with invisible ropes. He wanted to dive in the muddy swamp and pull Cas out. He didn’t even care if the thing would swallow him. He wanted to save Cas. He_ needed _to save Cas._

_“Dean! Dean…”_

_It was all he could hear, his name being yelled in that deep growly voice. Every cell of his body was screaming, begging him to go and save him._

 

Dean started awake, cold sweat covering his body. Amazing. He was dreaming about Cas… again. He couldn’t believe after everything he’d been through, all that shit, all it took him was just one song to get back here. He groaned deep in his throat trying to go back to sleep. He needed his sleep, especially now. Tomorrow was his first day on Idol as a mentor and to say he was stressed would be the understatement of the year. He tried to tell himself that was the reason behind his unsettled dreams, ignoring the little voice at the back of his thoughts saying that was not the reason.

He rubbed his hand down his face, sighing as he rolled to face the digital clock on his nightstand. 6:28 am. He might as well just give up on sleeping and get up. He still needed to pack for his week in LA.

He got off the bed looking around, gathering his clothes from where he’d abandoned them last night on the floor. One of the perks of living alone is that you can walk half naked in the house without anyone nagging at you. He turned on his coffee maker, put some bread in the toaster and started packing. He was done in less than fifteen minutes. Years of living on the road and moving from one motel to the other had made him skilled in packing. He tried not to clench his jaw at remembering the sharp sound of his dad’s voice, yelling at him to hurry up.

All the while he’d been murmuring some tune under his breath, and it wasn’t until he was swallowing his last bite of hot toast that he realized what it was. He cursed himself, feeling weak for the first time in a long while. Why did he do this to himself every time? Going back to his memories, dwelling on the thought of Cas and the endless trail of ‘What if’s and ‘Should have been’s.

It was one of his very first songs, from his first album. He remembered, he’d argued so hard with his producer to get that song in the album. The guy had believed the song wouldn’t get much success and to Dean’s utter annoyance he had been right. Dean loved that song but for some damn reason not many people had connected with it. That was why he’d never sang it in his shows. It had gotten to a point where he’d almost forgotten the song himself. And now it was back. Playing in his head loud and clear.

_“Today I didn’t think of you,_   
_Today was alright._   
_I had a lot of things to do,_   
_I was moving on with my life._

_Now I need some answers,_   
_Some answers, I’m tired and I’m weak,_   
_Some answers, some answers…”_

He was now singing it out loud and he could remember it clearly, how much he’d been hurting that night he wrote this song. He had been so angry with the world, hitting the walls and breaking bottles of beer. It had been a week after he’d finished the show and he’d spent all day working and not thinking about Cas and then just as he’d lied down there they were, blue eyes piercing through his mind, causing him so much pain. He’d dreamed of Cas and nothing else. He’d spent the night restless, moving around, rolling from side to side in his new fancy bed. The bed was so big… it could fit both of them easily.

_“Another hour passes by,_   
_It’s gonna be a long night ahead._   
_‘Cause I feel you creeping up inside my mind_   
_Every time I look at my bed_

_I only miss you when I’m dreaming._   
_That’s why I don’t wanna close my eyes._   
_Tell me why you only hurt me when I’m sleeping?_   
_The only time I can’t put up the fight,_   
_Dreaming, the only time I can’t live without you_   
_Dreaming… I can’t let you go, oh no…_

_I only miss you when I’m dreaming_   
_That’s why I don’t wanna close my eyes_   
_Tell me why you only hurt me when I’m sleeping?_   
_The only time I can’t control my mind,_   
_and the only time I can’t put up the fight,_   
_I miss you when I’m dreaming.”_

He shook his head feeling angry with himself. His chest was tight and his heart was beating in a not so good way. He took a few deep breaths, steading himself and then went through the house making sure every electronic machine was off, the gas was closed and then called Pamela. He was ready to go.

“Wow, is this real life? Dean Winchester is this really you?” Came the teasing greetings and Dean smirked at his agent.

“Fuck you too, Pam. I’m ready, you gonna send someone to take me to the airport?”

“Yeah, he’s actually by the door. His name is Jeff.”

“Huh… thanks Pam.”

“Sure… oh and Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t sleep with Adam ok?”

Dean just hung up on her, feeling too annoyed to even say anything. Pam could be a real ass when she wanted to.

 

*                             *                             *

                April 4th, 2009

Dean was placed in the room he’d seen on TV in the past weeks. He was waiting for the first artist and he was NOT nervous. No sir, Dean Winchester did not do nervous. And the fast heartbeat was just because he was off his pills and his heart just wasn't used to all the excitement in it's new condition. He’d forgotten. He was pretty sure.

The theme of the week was top 100 on ITunes. Dean was there because nearly all of his songs had made it to the chart and well, they thought he could be of help.

First one was Danny. He’d like the guy from early on and was excited to see what he’d chosen.

He stepped inside and Dean smiled, hiding his nerves. Ok, this week’s theme was ITunes’ charts. Danny stepped forward shaking his hand.

“Hey, I’m Danny.”

Dean smiled. This was going to be ok.

“Hey Danny, what are you singing?”

“I was thinking Sex on fire maybe?”

“Oh, by Kings of Leon?”

“Yeah… I think it suits my voice very well.”

Dean thought for a second.

“Yeah, well let’s hear what you got. I think I’m gonna like it.” He gave the guy a reassuring smile.

“Yes sir.” Danny answered the smile.

_“Lay where you're laying_   
_Don't make a sound_   
_I know they're watching_   
_They're watching_   
  
_All the commotion_   
_the kiddie like play_   
_Has people talking_   
_Talking_   
  
_You_   
_Your sex is on fire”_

He started singing and Dean was drowning in his thoughts. Sex on fire. Good one. It really suited Danny’s voice. He smiled at the boy when he was done with the song.

“Wow. That’s really good Danny. I just have a suggestion. You have like 2 minutes right? You don’t have to sing all the lyrics. Play with the music a little. This is a very theatrical song. You have to know, you have to move with it. You know what I mean? Like when you want to sing the _Hot as a fever_ , you need to have the camera in your face and play them with your eyes. Or _I could just taste it_ , you have to show the taste. You know?” Dean said, his professional side taking control as he played what he meant for the guy in front of him.

“Yeah, I guess I know… but do you think that will suit MY style?”

“Danny, your style is what you’re singing. You have to engage the audience in your song. Make them FEEL what you do.”

Danny chuckled and nodded.

“Ok, yeah, I guess I know what you mean.”

“Good. Other than that, I have nothing to add. You sound really good on the song.”

“Thanks Dean. I’ll try and use your advice.”

“Good luck Danny.”

“Thanks man.”

Dean watched as the guy left the room and turned to the pianist.

“He’s got talent.”

“Yeah, he does.” The guy smiled at him. Next up was Kris. Dean was really excited to meet this guy. He was so different.

He stood there and watched as the younger boy stepped in the room. Kris looked nervous as he walked to him but he was trying hard to hide it. Dean smiled. He knew the pride.

“Hey Kris, or should I say Kris dog?” Dean grinned and Kris looked more relaxed.

“Hey Dean, it’s an honor to see you. Adam won’t stop telling everyone how good you are and I’m his roommate so I’ve heard so much. I was kinda scared to meet the legend.” He joked and Dean snorted.

“Wow, I need to see that kid. Hope I live up to what he pictures for you.” Dean replied with his famous boyish grin on. Kris chuckled and Dean nodded at the guitar.

“So you’re playing the guitar again? What are you singing?”

“Yeah, I was thinking I’d sing Chasing Pavements by Adele?”

“Amazing song choice. Mind playing it for me?” Dean said and it just hit him that second that he was flirting. With a freaking married guy. He really needed to get laid. He shook his head to push out the thought.

Kris fixed his guitar and started playing.

_“I made up my mind, don’t need to think it over_   
_if I’m wrong, I am right, don’t need to look further_   
_this ain’t lust, I know this is love, but_

_If I tell the world I’ll never say enough cause it was not said to you  
and that’s exactly what I need to do if I end up with you_

_Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements?_   
_even if it leads nowhere?_   
_would it be a waste? Even if I knew my best? Should I leave it there?_   
_Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements?_   
_even if it leads nowhere?”_

Dean wasn’t listening anymore. That’s what he was doing, wasn’t it? Chasing pavements when he knew he’d never have Cas. He decided right then, he was going to give Adam a chance.

“So?” Kris asked when his song was over and Dean smiled warmly.

“Awesome. It was awesome man. Dude, you got real talents.”

Kris was blushing. Aww. He made a married straight guy blush. Maybe he still had his games after all.

“So, suggestions?”

“Nope, just do what you did and you’re good to go.” He smiled.

“Thanks man, I really appreciate your compliment. It means a lot coming from you.”

Dean smiled at the boy. He was cute.

“Good luck Kris.”

“Thanks. You too.” Kris said with a knowing smile and Dean smiled back. He really liked the boy.

He took five to freshen up and then it was Lil’s turn. Dean couldn’t wait for her to get out. She was so rude and Dean was biting his cheeks trying not to insult the little woman. He took a relieved breath as soon as she left the room. Next up was the cute Anoop. He was singing When I grow up by Pussycat Dulls. Dean thought the song was cute and Anoop sang it well. But come on, the song was just girly!! GIRLY!

Next up was Scott. Dean liked the guy’s musical sense, he played the piano like a pro, but honestly he came out a little creepy because of his eyes which was sad. Dean gave him some points on performance and he was done.

Next up was Alison. Dean already felt like she was a young Charlie. He loved the girl like a little sister. She came inside and Dean hugged her just like he always did with Charlie.

“Hey Alison.”

“Hi.” Alison said, a little shocked by the one sided hug from a stranger, a celebrity. Dean chuckled.

“Sorry, you remind me of my Charlie. You know her?”

“Your guitarist Charlie? Yeah I know her. She’s awesome. Why do you think my hair is red?” she grinned and Dean smiled back.

“How are you? I hope the competition isn’t stressing you out sick?”

“Nah, I love the thrill. It’s good to have Adam by my side though. He’s…” Alison went silent suddenly, realizing she might have talked too much.

Dean chuckled.

“It’s alright. What are you singing?”

And with that the session finished with no more incidents. She left the room, receiving another hug from Dean and then it was Matt’s turn. Dean was so psyched to finally meet Adam, the boy who apparently was already in love with his image. He wasn’t stupid. He knew his image was 100 times better than what he was but… maybe this guy was different?

He was in these thoughts when Adam knocked on the door and came inside. Dean had thought he was the stressed one but when he saw Adam he realized he was nowhere near the guy. It was a little bizarre. He’d always seen the guy very comfortable but right now he looked like he was uncomfortable in his own body.

He came in, completely silent and stood in front of Dean. None of them was saying anything and it was driving Dean crazy. Finally he broke the silence moving to shake the younger guy’s hand.

“It’s good to finally meet you Adam. You’re quite the celebrity now days.” He said smiling so Adam knew he was friendly and not mad.

“Oh God. You have no idea how many years I’ve been waiting to meet you.”

Dean smirked, feeling playful suddenly.

“Oh, sure I do. I’ve been reading about you, Adam. See, now I know everything there is to know about you, know you were born in the same month as me, I know about your past, impressive theater career by the way.” He flashed his wolfish grin.

Adam was blushing.

“You… you did? Why?”

“Well, when a guy says he’s in love with you on national TV you kinda have to pay attention right?”

“I’m… I did not say I was in love with you… wait, you saw that?”

“Yeah, been watching you since your damn audition. YOU are why I’m here dude. They wouldn’t stop calling my poor agent to get me here. Now don’t act so surprised, this is what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

Adam slowly nodded and Dean broke into a laughter. This was going to be so much fun.

“It’s ok, don’t be so stiff dude. Loosen up.” He winked and that was all it took for Adam to start laughing too.

“What are you singing?”

“Well… I was thinking, If you seek Amy by Britney?”

Dean felt his eyebrows go high in surprise. Ok well, maybe he should have seen it coming, this was Adam Lambert, of course he would pick that song.

“Let’s hear what you got then.”

Adam nodded nervously at the pianist and he started playing the notes. It was slower than the original version.

_“Oh baby, baby have you seen Amy tonight_   
_is she in the bathroom? Is she smoking up outside?_   
_oh oh, tell me have you seen her? Couse I’m so, oh,_   
_I can’t get her off of my brain._

_I just wanna go, to the party she gon go_   
_Can somebody take me home? Haha, hihi, haha, ho!”_

Dean was mesmerized by the way Adam moved his shoulders with every beat. It felt so different with Britney’s version. It was, less creepy and more sexy.

“ _Love me, hate me, say what you want about me!_  
 _all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If-you-seek-Amy_  
 _Love me, hate me, can’t you see what I see?_  
 _all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If-you-seek-Amy!_

_oh, say what you want about me!_   
_oh, , can’t you see what I see?_   
_oh, say what you want about me!”_

Dean was a little breathless. The only thing Adam didn’t do was touch his goddamn crotch. All the eyebrow motions, the eye-sex, everything was so… hot!

‘Dammit Dean, keep it in your pants boy. Don’t let your dick think for you’ he heard a voice, suspiciously like Sam’s chant in his head.

“ _So tell me if  you see her?_  
 _let me know what she was wearing and what she was like_  
 _cause I’ve been waiting here forever_  
 _let me know if she was going out of mind._

_Oh baby, baby, if you seek Amy tonight._   
_Oh baby, baby, we’ll do whatever you like._   
_Oh baby, baby, baby._   
_Oh baby, baby, baby.”_

Adam finished and was now smirking at Dean who was trying hard not to get a hard on. God fucking dammit, why was he so hot to Dean? Dean hadn’t felt so much sexual tension since… and it only hit him then. The guy was so similar to his Cas. Dark hair, beautiful eyes, chapped full lips, long fingers, tall and broad. Huh.

“That was… you I guess.” Dean grinned. The only word to describe the performance was “Adam”.

“I’d only suggest not to scream the last notes. It doesn’t fit the arrangement you chose. You know?”

“Yeah, yeah I was uncertain about it myself. So I shouldn’t do it?”

“Yeah I think it would be best if you didn’t. Tell you what, why don’t you give me a final show before you do it? I’m gonna stay in LA for a while. Here’s where I’m staying.” He said handing the guy the hotel card. Adam looked like he was hit by a car.

“You serious?”

“Yeah. I wanna make sure my favorite guy wins this shit. It sucked that I didn’t win.” He smirked and Adam was laughing again.

“Man, you’re… I knew you’d be cool and all but … thanks. I’m really speechless. Thank you.”

Dean smiled warmly.

“Don’t mention it. Just promise you won’t stay this stiff ok?”

Adam laughed once again and he left. Dean found himself smiling after the boy.

 

*                             *                             *

                April 6th, 2009

Dean was in his room, streaming down his guitar when someone knocked on the door. It was Michael, he knew. They’d spoken on the phone and he had been in LA, so Dean invited him over. It was good to talk to somebody else about what was happening. He opened the door and was met with a bright smile. He had missed the guy, though they had only met once a long time, and a lot of alcoholic drinks ago.

“Dean! It’s so good to see you here alive boy.”

Dean smiled, pulling the shorter guy in a hug.

“Michael. You too man, it’s so good to see you. Come on in.” he said as he pulled Michael inside the room closing the door behind him. They both sat on the couch, where Dean had left Cherry.

“You want a beer? Or Whiskey?”

 “Isn’t that a no-no for you?” Michael asked his eyebrows high. So he knew.

“Yeah, well, I’m having juice. Unless you want juice I can get you alcohol from the minibar.” He joked.

“I’ll take the beer, thanks.” Michael chuckled and Dean fished a bottle for him.

“So, you here on vacation or something?”

“More like something, yeah.”

“Yeah? May I ask what?”

“I’m planning on moving here. Richer clients, as they say.” He smiled sadly.

“Yeah, what’s the real reason you wanna move though?”

“Well, I just got out of a relationship… I wanna change the scenery. I told …” he stopped what he was saying, as if he had remembered how hard it was to say the guy’s name.

“I told my ex, he can have the place. So, I’m gonna move here.”

“You… I’m sorry to hear that. I really am. I know how hard break ups can be.”

Michael chuckled.

“Oh well, I didn’t love him as much as you love Castiel and I think that was the problem.”

Dean cleared his throat at the mention of Cas’ name. It had been a few months that he hadn’t said that name aloud.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have brought that up.”

 Dean gave a half smile and looked away.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have.”

“So, what about you?” Michael tried.

“What about me?”

“Why are you here?”

“Oh… I was the mentor for American Idol this week. So I had to come here.”

“Huh… are you planning on moving? Ever?”

“No… I don’t like leaving home again. Why?”

“Well…” Michael cleared his throat. “I don’t know, I thought maybe you’d like to share a place? It can get lonely here in a big city.”

“Oh… Sorry but… I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Michael smiled sadly.

“Yeah… you’re right.”

An awkward silence fell over them and Dean felt an itch starting under his skin. Finally he was about to make a comment on the weather when he was saved by a knock on the door. He jumped from his seat and almost ran to the door.

He opened it without looking through the eye hole and it took him only one second to regret it.

“Hi…” said the guy with dark hair and blue eyes, nervously biting at his lips, as if he wasn’t sure he’d be welcomed or not. It took Dean everything not to jump the cute guy right there and then.

“You’re here…” he said, his mind racing through all different scenarios that this night could turn out.

“I’m here…”

 

To be continued…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By tradition you can find the song credits here. and BTW guys, DO listen to the songs. it will give u a better perspective of how emotional they are. :D  
> IN this chapter we had:  
> 1) Miss you when I'm dreaming - Westlife  
> 2) Chasing Pavements - Adele  
> 3) If you seek Amy - Britney


	12. Chapter 12

 

You can find the rest of the story at the second part of this series, This is our song. A new era is about to start for Dean and his musical career.   
  
Love you guys. Please keep bearing with me. I promise you wont be left unsatisfied. Comments are appreciated. :D :* 

**Author's Note:**

> The song "Game of hurt" is an original by myself (Mida). I will give credit to the original singer or band if i use any song that's not mine. hope you like the beginning. dont forget to let me know what you think!:)


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